To think doing all this is not the role of a SAHM

[goodFelicia]

Joint decision for me to be a SAHM so I could raise the dc and Dh could concentrate on career advancement-no friends. No family, no support. We went without a lot over the years but now he's got a good salary-I'm in the process of retraining with a view to part time work around the children.

I'm so fucking tired. I'd argue that H is damn lazy.

He works from home now-perhaps one or two days at meetings. He spends the majority of his time here

on the phone
Taking naps (sometimes 2 a day)
Messing up the kitchen and making fry ups and leaving shit everywhere- I stopped doing essential stuff including not cleaning his office or toilet and it got so bad that black mouldy grew on his toilet he didn't touch it and it doesn't bother him.

I look after the DC do all school runs/activities-including one DC who had an activity which requires 16 hours of training and weekend competitions away) I deal with all the admin/banking/house decor/DIY/cars/plans stuff for the family-I do it all.

I argued with him the other day and said that when I go back to work we'd have to divide up chores and he told me that was ridiculous and howbthe fuck do other families manage. I countered his incredulity with "the men get off their arses" and he sulked for days.

I'm so sick and tired and I'm so cross with myself for guilting myself into doing everything.

I've simply told him that when he clocks off from work he should clock onto family time and divide jobs equally and fairly. Even the DC have chores which they must do.

Surely this is fair?

LBOC
that's exactly what I told him
I said he was a man toddler and I'd rather be broke and not have anyone take the piss.

He tells me I'm being unreasonable and his friends tell him I have the life of Riley - I can only imagine the bullshit stories they are hearing.

I think your H is maybe too far down the line, but this article about The Mental Load helped my DH to see the problem.

He changed overnight (although occasionally relapses). It might help?

My marriage could be exactly like yours. My OH doesn't see mess or grime and would happily live in a mouldy shit tip. He would completely absorb himself in his job and hobbies if he could.

I cannot and will not live like this, and we've had many conversations about it. He has said things like "I have honestly never seen the bathroom get dirty - you always clean it before I get a chance to!"

Anyway, the way we work it now is that we have agreed that I will run the house, so to speak, and that I will leave him a set of things that need doing each day. I tell him exactly what to do and he does it, just like the DCs and their chores.

I'm fully aware - and so is he - that I am treating him like a man-child and that in some way he could be more perceptive and self-directed about helping me, but it suits me. I do what I reasonably can manage and ask him to do the rest.

Sorry, didn't finish before posting!

Anyway, I think you are definitely not BU. I think his working from home makes it really hard for you. I would go absolutely potty having mine slopping about here all day

Joint decision for me to be a SAHM so I could raise the dc and Dh could concentrate on career advancement

Dh and I did the same when we had our first child. Joint decision. We talked about it and how it would work. I was very clear that I wasn't giving up my job for housework. I was giving it up to raise our child.

So he worked outside of the home and I worked with our children. The housework continued to be divided between the two of us as it was before. We worked together as a team and it's never been a problem.

As soon as the children were old enough to help, they joined in with the housework. Children can wipe skirtings with wet wipes, pair socks, put their toys away, that kind of thing. And because we all pitched in everyone had free time to relax or enjoying their hobbies.

Where you went wrong was in giving up your job for housework. Time to redress the balance. But you will have to mean it. Empty threats will just reinforce the situation you are in now.

Your OP has a quite telling remark, imo. 'while l raise the children' implies that's all your responsibility whereas we al know that should be a joint activity. I just wonder if that's been your mind set too. You've got quite some mountain to climb, OP. You'll need to plug away at it.

I'm a SAHM to two kids currently (possibly soon three). I don't work outside the home at all so don't mind doing the housework. I do cook but not every night.

I don't do any of the admin side, he sorts out all the bills and financial stuff, does the cars including maintenance, the bins and mows the gardens although I weed 😬 He does look after the children while I'm busy and is generally very good company.

I think he could probably do more but I'm not unhappy. I definitely would be in your situation though!

He sounds like a twat tbh.

But are your children all school age?

Fucking hell, it's 2017 and there are still children being brought up in homes with lazy bastard 'Dad's' who clearly think very little of their wives.

Don't suppose it's going to change any time soon.

Fwiw - dh and I do 50/50 wifework. We manage that on top of working full time.

I have in the 16 years we have had children managed to 'train' my husband.
But I do do the main bulk of housework while he works (still have 3 children at home a 1 year old and a 2 year old also our 10 year old child with asd as he currently isnt at school).
But when he is home its 50/50 including weekends.
I got to the stage years ago in that if he didnt get off his arse I would be leaving him.
Your husband is a lazy shite and needs either sorting himself out or ltb.

OP we decided I'd be a SAHM so DH could concentrate on his career 22 years ago. I went back to work fulltime 14 years ago.

Since that decision I have been responsible for:
All housework
Children's school related stuff
All laundry
All household maintenance
Running of our home in France
Organising all holidays, birthdays, Christmases, gifts
Organising all social things and being present at his office parties and client stuff

That might sound unreasonable it he has usually worked at least 60 hrs a week often more, often overseas, oh and I did all bath/bed/school run routines.

However, he is clean and tidy, he would never dream of leaving a dirty mug for me to wash up and if I'm honest quite pernickety. But since the day I became a SAHM he has paid the cleaner, window cleaner, gardener, etc, without complaint or comment.

I feel our contributions to our joint life have been equal and he feels that what we have he has made is entirely ours.

I have taken a lot of criticism over the years but I have never felt taken for a mug. I think hour DH is taking the mickey and you are entitled to be angry.

Not criticism from DH but plenty from others for facilitating his workaholism.

Theweewitch
Things were so much better when he wasn't here to be honest as he was living it up in 5 star accommodation

Now he's here my work has doubled.

I've told him not only will I stop doing everything that I am going to give him a list of things to do every Friday for a week and if I don't see a drastic change within a fortnight then I'm leaving him.

He's gone upstairs for a nap- so that was successful

And NO he does not have depression.

Auld yep
He worked away for YEARS so my language reflects this. I have raised the DC
He used to be home for 1.5 days a week.

Well that was 3 years ago only difference is he cannot claim that he is working 80+ hours a week as i see what he does when I'm home.

Incidentally it pays peanuts but I work from home (only 15/20 hours a week)

Get a cleaner?
Some men just won't clean and your dh is one of them, sadly. There's no excuse, but I bet his mum did it all for him.
Dh will do the basics, plus the heavier jobs as I'm a weakling! - but my kids do help too, and we have a cleaner.
I work 28hrs & dh prob works double that so he is never going to do much round the house compare to me. If the roles were revered he'd do more.

So you told him you'd leave him in a fortnight if he didn't stop being a lazy shit (and he is being a lazy shit OP - have no doubt about that) and his response was to go take a nap? Think you got your answer, sorry to say that, but it's true.
I'm not one for LTB at the smallest thing, but it's good to see you're not going to tolerate his bullshit and are willing to leave if he doesn't change. His laziness isn't really the problem - it's his attitude towards you.
It stinks, and maybe he needs to rot in his hovel to appreciate you and all you do

And he's sleeping through his work days? I've worked from home, and yes you can stick on a load of washing etc but generally you have to be at your desk/laptop/in communication with the office. Would he take 2 naps a day at the office? It's the same thing

If he's bringing in all the money, then I think he's being fair in expecting you to look after the home front, and yes, that does include cleaning the toilet. Hiring a cleaner when someone is at home not working sounds spoilt - if you don't want to do the housework, then get a job. However, when you're back at work then everything has to change, and that's when he should be picking up his share of the chores or helping to pay for a cleaner if neither of you want to do the housework.

If you've had years of being a SAHM then problems are bound to crop up when roles change. Personally I'm not in favour of one partner earning all the money and the other doing all the housekeeping/childcare and so on. It makes for an imbalance in the relationship IMHO.

But I can see it might suit for the short term but as a long term way of working it causes problems. Especially if the one who earns all the money decides to call it a day.

harshbuttrue what utter nonsense but I guess if you were brought up to clean

I don't see how there's any way anyone could tell you that you're BU.
When men think that working entitles them to not lift a finger at home because their OH is a SAHM - I kind of get where that thinking could come from. Of course they're wrong, but I get it, and I could see how they could change.

But your DH's belief that you should continue to skivvy even when going back to work, his comments towards you and the disgusting mess he leaves behind for you constantly all show his disrespect towards you - surely it isn't possible for him to believe this is reasonable, unless he doesn't see you as his equal?

I don't know how you could go about adressing it with him, especially if he's not willing to listen, but he does need to change.

In my ideal (and admittedly naive and inexperienced) view, housework and childcare should be roughly split based on hours worked; work being either employment or housework/childcare etc done whilst at home. So if DP works 60 hours a week and you get a lot of down time then of course you would do more, however if you both put in roughly equal amounts of time "working" during the day, or you do more then he seriously needs to step up.
Based on the above I'd hazard a guess he ought to be doing a lot more now, let alone when you start work.

And regardless of how busy either of you are, he needs to pick up after himself, and treat you with the basic level of respect - both of those should be absolutely non-negotiable.

Harsh but true-I'm happy to do what I need to do to keep the family going and do all the stuff for the children from 9-5- but to have to do all decorating/house DIY/gardening takes the piss.

I'm working 24/7 and that's not being spoilt at all.
He announced last year that he was exhausted and going with a friend to vegas

Yes- if he wanted to come back home to a house with the locks changed-he didn't go.

He's lazy- when he blows it I wonder how much of a cushy life he'll have then.

You're not unreasonable at all, it does sound like your OH is a bit on the lazy side but.... what is unfair is to suddenly let all loose when you've accepted him as he is (at least to his face) until now.

It sounds like something triggered you letting it all out and it does make sense to you because it's been accumulating for quite some time I imagine, but remember that from his perspective, he probably thought all was fine so your outburst probably hit him like a bomb.

Hopefully, you've calmed down a bit now and it's time to start talking, making plans and organising yourself in a calm collaborative way so that you can move forward positively rather than growing even more resentful.

Wow, op, I don't often say this, but you are married to a child... the only advice I can give is to make good on your threat to leave him... things won't get any better... the bloke went and took a nap after you dropping that on him.... so, to sum my advice up... LTB

Viking yes he is. The most he takes are two but he naps daily if his phone goes off his deafness miraculously vanishes.

Rough daily schedule
I got to the gym at 6am (only time I can go)
Return home-wake children (he sleeps in) do breakfasts/clean kitchen/empty dishwasher
Drive the children to 3 different schools (furthest being 6 miles away -no i cannot walk to the schools)
Come back and he has usually fried eggs/bacon, the side of the kitchen is covered
I work (from home) till 12:30 (he's asleep at this time)
Till 12:30-2:45pm I do all of the household chores including house maintenance/gardening as I said before.
After school I bring kids back feed them/help with homework
5pm I take them all to activities (one DC has to be at their training till 8pm 3 days a week)
I come home -tidy clean/get kids to bed then do admin
Saturdays I work till midday
Come home then the house is a shithole
Dh is usually asleep by 2pm whilst I take kids out
Sunday I take DC to competitions (frequently we have over night stays so I prep everything for that)

I've calculated that Hs working hours are 9am-12pm, lunch till 2pm work till 5pm then perhaps another nap and that's IT.