To think doing all this is not the role of a SAHM

[goodFelicia]

Joint decision for me to be a SAHM so I could raise the dc and Dh could concentrate on career advancement-no friends. No family, no support. We went without a lot over the years but now he's got a good salary-I'm in the process of retraining with a view to part time work around the children.

I'm so fucking tired. I'd argue that H is damn lazy.

He works from home now-perhaps one or two days at meetings. He spends the majority of his time here

on the phone
Taking naps (sometimes 2 a day)
Messing up the kitchen and making fry ups and leaving shit everywhere- I stopped doing essential stuff including not cleaning his office or toilet and it got so bad that black mouldy grew on his toilet he didn't touch it and it doesn't bother him.

I look after the DC do all school runs/activities-including one DC who had an activity which requires 16 hours of training and weekend competitions away) I deal with all the admin/banking/house decor/DIY/cars/plans stuff for the family-I do it all.

I argued with him the other day and said that when I go back to work we'd have to divide up chores and he told me that was ridiculous and howbthe fuck do other families manage. I countered his incredulity with "the men get off their arses" and he sulked for days.

I'm so sick and tired and I'm so cross with myself for guilting myself into doing everything.

I've simply told him that when he clocks off from work he should clock onto family time and divide jobs equally and fairly. Even the DC have chores which they must do.

Surely this is fair?

Swingofthings- I haven't ever just got on with it
I've always fought against it and told him it isn't right.

My own father worked night shift and he looked after me and my siblings brilliantly- he and my mum were eye hardworking.

I have just read this: Researcher Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania, is the first to admit that such findings 'run in the face of common sense... my own theory,' he adds, 'is that once you have one good parent in place, having another parent doesn't have a huge effect.
It's from wifework, as mentioned previously, and it's just hit me like a 2x4 around the head.

YANBU
My heart went out to you re: the fry-ups, nasty, smelly things. Stop buying the bacon and sausages etc.
You need to decide if you really want a divorce and then tell him, so long as you're sure you mean to go through with it.
From what you've said, he is not going to change, and who cares what his friends think

Wordy I don't buy the stuff

He does.

(Bacon, eggs etc) For himself I might add
I do the family shop, along with everything else.

The fry ups and the ensuing mess would drive me batshit. Bin the frying pan then bin him. You can do so much better.

I know Ellie.
He buys new pans. Done that.

After reading your break down of your day compared to the break down of his day I'm absolutely Gob Smacked!!

What a lazy, rude, selfish, selfish man.

I wouldn't be with someone like this, no way.

If it's easy for you to leave then I'd just do it.

Writer I'm just so fucking tired.

Bloody hell. LTB. Or stop being his skivvy.

I was all ready to say YABU from the title of this thread. Assuming you had school age children and didn't want to do any housework. How wrong was I! I think if your children are in school and you're a SAHP, you should be expected to complete the chores that can reasonably be done within school hours i.e. Laundry, dishwasher loading/unloading, general cleaning and tidying, and house admin bits.

But cleaning up his mess? Absolutely not. And when you go back to work, it will have to be split more fairly.

I went mental at DH the other week because I'm so sick of the mental load (google it) I'm carrying.

He loves a bit of tech and we're using Chroma to schedule chores and it's working so well.

This will only help if he's up for it though.

You both need the same amount of free time over the course of a month. So if he gets 30 hours over august, so should you. He's getting all your share presently.

I know Goose

I'm dreaming of a time where perhaps he has to have them x2 times a month in his own house and I get all that time to myself!

What's Chroma?

I don't think you're UR. I think your OH is lazy! When we made the same decision as you, OH would moan sometimes that things weren't done (he works 70 hour weeks incl commute so I don't expect him to do 50/50 housework but I do expect him to help at weekends).

After a while his little comments ('are my trousers still not ironed? Why is the en-suite so dusty? The study is a mess, why are you dumping stuff in there instead of sorting it out and putting it away?' got to me and in a huge rage one morning after he left for work I sent him a message (as I didn't want to scream and rip his head off in front of DD) saying 'SAHM stands for Stay At Home Mother, not Stay At Home Maid. My job is to look after DD and I fit jobs, cooking and cleaning around that. I am not your fucking skivvy. If you see something that need doing, either ask me if I can fit it in that week at some point or - here's an idea- do it yourself!'

He soon got the message. He helps more now.

To be fair to him, he fully admitted that he had a very old fashioned idea of what a SAHM 'should' do, basically what his mum did. He DID expect me to do 99% of he housework, cooking etc. After we had a long chat about how unfair that was, he saw the error of his ways.

He still starts to moan occasionally but one evil eye glare his way normally shuts him up and he'll quietly get on with doing it himself.

I am leaving DD on her own with him for the whole weekend in two weeks (she's 16 months) for the first time to go on a hen do. I have been out since I had her but never overnight without him too. I cannot WAIT to see how he manages looking after a rampaging toddler for two day and completing the small list of jobs that need doing that I intend to leave him as revenge for his misdeeds!

OP - I might have missed something but you're not a SAHP for starters - you work every morning and at the weekend too.

I couldn't be with a man like that - I would think seriously about seeing a good divorce lawyer and getting all your ducks in a row, should you need them. Forewarned and prepared is forearmed. Then it's a case of a properly serious discussion with him. Does he have any redeeming features at all, other than paying the mortgage? Men like him give men a bad name - I'm upset on your behalf.

Ur not bring u.but divorce?there's gr to be more than this then...u dnt divorce ovr this u work through it.

Kate I've tried.
I used to get told-"one more year then I'll be more Homebased but I'm working 70/80 hours a week and all I want to do it decompress when I'm home"

Despite my asking it's fallen on deaf ears. I told him that I would NOT go full time until I had a reassurance from him that he'd help 50/50 and I got an incredulous no "how the hell do other families manage it?" Stupid retorts.

It seems that he has checked out of family life. However he is employed and producing a wage. He sounds depressed. Since he started working from home the family dynamics have changed. I would look at separating you both seem unhappy. However you need to have plan how you would support yourself and the children

Secondly I would set a deadline to find out if anything has changed. If no changes make plans to exit. I would look for a full time job too. I am not expecting that he will change. I was in a similar situation, I thought to myself I am unhappy and I don't want to be in the same situation in a year or 40 years time. I left and I am much happier now

I had one of those.

I was SAHM to our five kids (childcare would have been too expensive for me to work, rural location), and my XH really seriously did think that all he had to do was get up, go to work (ten minute commute, 9-5 job), and then come home and put his feet up. Very few night wakings, no housework, cooking, tidying - he literally came home, ate his dinner, put his plate on the floor (!) and fell asleep on the sofa while I fed/bathed/fetched/put to bed, etc. And then told me I was messy, and the house should be tidier, cleaner...

He's an ex, and mostly for that reason. Learned behaviour, in his case, his mother did EVERYTHING in their house, for three kids. He could not compute that five kids, all housework, paperwork, planning, bills, DIY was hard work!

You need to LTB. Maybe he needs to know what real life (without a female barrier from the shit bits) is like.

Thank you Zaph
Yes Hs father treats his mum like a slave.

I'm probably harder on my sons because of this and get them to do MORE than dd

He's taking the piss. Well and truly.

This kind of thread is often posted and sometimes there is no right or wrong it is whatever works well for the family.

But with your situation he's taken advantage of you doing all the jobs for so long, he doesn't think he should have to do something.

OP,
Yanbu ! Get a cleaner and someone to cut grass. I used to be SAHM and was doing all of this too. Used to drive me up wall. As soon as i started working PT I got a cleaner. He also is in charge of bill admin now. He does his own laundry and washing and now. looks after kids with me at weekends. He does leave the kitchen in a mess after cooking a fry up so I leave it until he cleans it up and remind him if he doesn't. Not perfect, but he's gotten a lot better, after years of pesistance.
I do feel for you. Not easy.
Is he sleeping on sofa every night? If so consider couples counselling.