To think doing all this is not the role of a SAHM

[goodFelicia]

Joint decision for me to be a SAHM so I could raise the dc and Dh could concentrate on career advancement-no friends. No family, no support. We went without a lot over the years but now he's got a good salary-I'm in the process of retraining with a view to part time work around the children.

I'm so fucking tired. I'd argue that H is damn lazy.

He works from home now-perhaps one or two days at meetings. He spends the majority of his time here

on the phone
Taking naps (sometimes 2 a day)
Messing up the kitchen and making fry ups and leaving shit everywhere- I stopped doing essential stuff including not cleaning his office or toilet and it got so bad that black mouldy grew on his toilet he didn't touch it and it doesn't bother him.

I look after the DC do all school runs/activities-including one DC who had an activity which requires 16 hours of training and weekend competitions away) I deal with all the admin/banking/house decor/DIY/cars/plans stuff for the family-I do it all.

I argued with him the other day and said that when I go back to work we'd have to divide up chores and he told me that was ridiculous and howbthe fuck do other families manage. I countered his incredulity with "the men get off their arses" and he sulked for days.

I'm so sick and tired and I'm so cross with myself for guilting myself into doing everything.

I've simply told him that when he clocks off from work he should clock onto family time and divide jobs equally and fairly. Even the DC have chores which they must do.

Surely this is fair?

Oh OP, I feel for you. His behaviour is awful. How can he go for naps when WFH??

I have similar challenges with DP, but we have no children (yet). He seems incapable of loading/unloading the dishwasher/washing up, doesn't do laundry (apparently the washing machine does that ), and I can't recall the last time he cleaned something. Yes, we have a cleaner, we both work 60 hours or so a week and hardly see each other Monday to Friday (one of us WFH and the other works away) who also irons the sheets and changes the bed each week. Without him (yes, my cleaner is male), my house would be a shit hole. I've been waiting for him to take the suitcases upstairs after our holiday almost 2 months ago, I'll do it soon, he doesn't seem to notice, despite me asking repeatedly.

Probably every couple of months I blow my top and DP might cook a meal. We're getting married next year and I'm seriously considering packing it in. Why is it I can do a bit of washing/wipe a side down after making food when WFH and he can't??

Why did you even consider starting out like this?
Yes, he works but so do many other parents.
Tell him to pull his finger out with 50% of everything or ltb, sorry i have no other solution.
No way would my dh behave like this and I was a sahm to 3 dc, my dh did as much as I did, he had to.

Dreaming do not have kids with him.

I'm a resentful, seething mess.

Gilly I didn't really- he was gone- away from home.he stayed away with work from Sunday night to Friday night- he was home for a day and a half for years. All I heard was I'm so shattered, I need to recharge my batteries etc.

He now works from home and I'm wanting to work now around the children and increase my hours but he has made it quite clear he want things to continue as they are-I'm not doing it.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but while I did a run to the tip this morning and did the food shopping he sat at home doing sweet FA. After cleaning the whole downstairs I said I fancied a chicken wrap for tea but had forgotten the wraps in the shopping. He walked round to the shop for me, only a 5 minute walk. Got himself some goodies and me a packet of mini wraps. Then 'jokingly' told me to get down on my knees to thank him for getting them!! He said he shouldn't have to do my job because he works and I don't. But apparently 10 minutes walking and spending £1 is all you have to do to earn a blowjob!! I very nearly flipped my lid! Unfortunately we have children together and they were in the next room so had to keep schtum

Apart from anything else, what's with the regular slinking off to bed in the day? I can't think of anyone under the age of 70 who lives like that. Very odd.
OP I don't know how you've coped this far, I really don't. I'm a SAHM too, but DH works much longer hours than yours does. I recognise your morning routine as I also do everything for 3 DC, plus DH breakfast while he just gets himself ready. I do all the cooking too, though we also eat out a lot. BUT - we have a cleaner twice a week and DH would be the first to say he wouldn't want me cleaning all the time. He does anything in the garden or DIY and I have nothing to do with anything like that. I don't think he's ever ironed tbh, but I just wash and tumble dry his shirts and take a load to be steam pressed weekly. I actually feel like I have a fair amount of time to myself, so I don't get bothered by things he does - like claiming to have "done the laundry", when all he does is shove a load in the machine and then drag that out and leave it in a damp heap in the floor while he repeats the process again, so I end up with more ironing. There are many things he does like this, but I let it go tbh.
It's sounds like your DH got in the mode of opting out of anything household-related while he was working away and is very resistant to change that mindset now he's at home. He's probably totally unaware of half of what you do, because if you never do it why would you notice or care?
I hope he responds to your list.

"Get a cleaner" is good advice for a couple who are already sharing chores out fairly and getting on with things as best they can, but who simply don't have enough time over the course of a week to get essential once-or-twice-a-week deep cleaning done (scrubbing out bathrooms, mopping floors etc.)

It is pointless advice for a couple where one half of the couple is being a lazy slob. The guy is leaving mess around and refusing to pick up after himself; as soon as the cleaner has been and gone, the house will quickly deteriorate back into its usual state unless the poor OP is prepared to walk around after this guy picking up his crap.

Unless this man has some mental health issues, he needs to wake up and grow up. It is reasonable for a SAHP to do the bulk of the housework BUT he should be picking up after himself, not creating unnecessary mess, and doing his share of tasks at weekends and so on. And this is doubly so if the OP is planning to return to work too.

By the way, I work freelance, and it needs to be treated like any other job. This includes sensible working rules and habits, proper working hours (not set in stone, but at least a rough kind of daily schedule), assigned working places in the house that are neat and tidy, eating proper food and not living on random fryups and cereal eaten out of the box, wearing normal daytime clothing not PJs, and not slinking upstairs for naps or slobbing around when you are supposed to be working. If there is no immediate work to do, there are usually accounts, paperwork, tax prep or other things to be getting on with (or chasing up new potential clients, or learning a new job-related skill).

Thanks Mary
I applied for a full time job today.

If I get it I'm doing all stuff for me and the kids and nothing for him.

We're so past CC.