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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD16 dating 21 year old

80 replies

britainteascones · 03/08/2017 15:15

My recently turned 16 year old DD is now apparently dating a 21 year old man and I have told her that I don't support this relationship, I can't see what someone five years older would see in her and I am worried she will end up hurt.

Aibu to feel this way? And maybe any stories where this has worked out to make me feel any better. Thanks.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 03/08/2017 15:18

When I was just turned 17 I started seeing my ex, who was 22. We got on brilliantly, had plenty to talk about and had loads of fun together.

He certainly wasn't only looking for one thing - he was a virgin when we met! We were together for three years until I outgrew him.

Original poster
britainteascones · 03/08/2017 15:20

Amusedbush That's lovely to hear and maybe a little reassuring too, what advice would you give about approaching her on this topic? I obviously don't want to lose my daughter.

OP posts:
Smilingthru · 03/08/2017 15:21

My best friend was dating her husband at 17, he was 27. They are happily married 13 years with gorgeous children.

As much as you don't agree with this be careful not to isolate your daughter. Maybe get to know the guy, invite him to tea etc. This may help you settle your anxieties. Your worried shell get hurt but she won't feel able to come to you if she does if you isolate and disapprove of her. Make sense??

X

TeenagersandFurbabies · 03/08/2017 15:22

When I was 17 I had a 26 year old boyfriend and my parents weren't very happy either. We have now been together 27 years married for 23 and have 3 children.

PinkHeart5911 · 03/08/2017 15:22

I don't think there is problem with 16 and 21 tbh assuming the realtionship wasn't going on with the 16 year old was underage.

I don't think it's so hard to believe that a 16 & 21 year old might have some things in common. Not all 21 year olds are mature and not all 16 year olds are childish.

I understand your worry about her being hurt but any boy of any age could do that.

Have you actually met this boyfriend? Or are you judging before you've even given him a chance?

butterflying · 03/08/2017 15:24

I've known a few couples with this age gap, it can be sinister but more often than not it's fine. Just keep an eye out, maybe see if BF would like to come over for dinner? But I wouldn't be too worried with no real evidence of anything wrong. Don't push her away unnecessarily.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 03/08/2017 15:26

My first bf was 22 and I was 16. I started dating my now DH when I was 18 and he was 22, we've been married 10 years now and have a lovely DS.

Maybe give him a chance? I have no other advice though x

worridmum · 03/08/2017 15:26

5 year gap is nothing (aslong as they started it after she was 16 of course) would you bat a eyelid if your daugther was 21 and her partner was 26?

Aslong as its legal any age gap is fine tbh (unless not capable through SN or illness)

user1494409994 · 03/08/2017 15:29

Started going out with someone who was 20 when I was 15. By the time I was 17 it was all over. I'd grown up and he hadn't. Apparently he was devastated. I wasn't.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/08/2017 15:30

As long as this all started after she turned 16, I don't see an issue. A slightly immature boy of 21 and a mature girl of 16 aren't so very different imo. My friend started seeing a 22 year old when she was 17... They are getting married next spring having been in a very happy, very healthy relationship for 6.5 years.
In any case, you are very daft to tell her you don't support her relationship (wtf does that mean anyway? It's not yours to support/not support) as it will serve no purpose but to push them closer.
You need to give him a chance, or you risk alienating your daughter.

rainbowbreeze123 · 03/08/2017 15:31

I think youre right to be anxious, I had a boyfriend of 22 when I was 16 and he was controlling and abusive. I couldnt see anything wrong for a long time and then it took me a while to escape him.. However other people have nice stories and my boyfriend was a loser I just didnt see it at the time

Heychickadee · 03/08/2017 15:32

When I was 16 I started dating a 21 year old guy (I turned 17 shortly after). We got on great, had a brilliant time together. We split up after less than a year because my mum was massively against our relationship and did everything she could to stop it, including taking my phone, banning me from seeing him, and stopping me seeing friends. I was essentially grounded for 4 months. My relationship with my mum has never recovered from it.

luckylucky24 · 03/08/2017 15:32

I was 17 seeing a 23 yr old. It was a disaster but would have been over much sooner if my parents hadn't "forbidden" it. It continues long past what it should have because I felt I had to work to prove that I hadn't upset my family for nothing.
I would back off and be nice. Maybe invite him over and get to know him.

Emboo19 · 03/08/2017 15:32

I was just 16 (our first date was a day after my 16th birthday) and my boyfriend 20 when we started going out, he then turned 21 after a few months. We did already know each other and had a lot in common, and I'd say I've always been mature for my age.
He was also much more respectful and willing to wait, than my high school boyfriends had been.

Your daughter could have good or bad boyfriends of any age. Thd important thing is she knows what a good relationship should be like and that she deserves to be treated with love and respect. Don't say you don't support her, as then she might feel she can't come to you if things go wrong.

yecartmannew · 03/08/2017 15:32

Bring him in close (invited for dinner, family days etc). If there is anything untoward you will either spot it, or he won't be keen.

EsmeeMerlin · 03/08/2017 15:33

I don't see a problem to be honest as long as it started once she had reached 16, my partner is 5 years older. It is very common to see a woman with a man a few years older. If she was dating a 50 year old it would perhaps be different. Would you have a problem if she was 21 and he 26.

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 15:34

I agree with PP I can't see what your issue is really - it's only a five year age gap.

What are your concerns exactly? Why would a 21 year old be more likely to hurt her than someone younger? I would have thought they would be a bit more mature and less likely to make a pigs ear of things?

I think you should tell her you were just taken aback and you didn't mean it when you said you didn't support the relationship. Of course you just want her to be happy and you look forward to meeting him in due course.

As PP have said, she will probably dump him anyway...........

theluckiest · 03/08/2017 15:34

Yep, I was 16 when I met 23 yr old DH. I had just turned 17 when we got together (after me doing all the flirting if I'm honest).

That was over 20 years ago. My parents weren't too happy at the time we started seeing each other but did support me. They didn't want to drive me away and also thought DH seemed to be a nice, genuine bloke (I remember one excruciating conversation when my Dad told him in no uncertain terms what would happen if he turned out to be an arsehole Grin) Luckily, he turned out to be a good'un.

Mrscropley · 03/08/2017 15:36

No better time to go by the keep friends close but enemies closer motto op. .

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 03/08/2017 15:39

16 and 25 here. People looked shocked, asked what my parents thought, tutted and bosom hoiked and said it would never last. He was respectful, never pushed me to do anything, always very conscious of making sure what we did together was at my pace and my comfort, compared to a previous boyfriend of my own age, who'd been in a rush to get his grubby hands all over me, with no regard for whether I wanted it.

The best thing my parents did was to accept him in our home, to get to know him and to promise they'd always support me. It meant that if I didn't feel safe or happy, I knew I could go to them without fear of them saying "I told you so".

As it is, we've now been together for seven years, went to uni together, had a baby, moved in together, got married last year and we're now TTC #2. We both have an excellent relationship with my parents.

motherinferior · 03/08/2017 15:41

I have a 16yo daughter. She is delightful. I would be v alarmed if she started seeing someone so much older - at 21 your life experiences are completely different, you've gone through university and you're entering the graduate world. What in heaven's name do you have in common with a girl who's just finished her GCSEs?

So yes, OP, I would be concerned!

notarehearsal · 03/08/2017 15:41

I was just 16 when I met my 21 year old boyfriend. We married and were together for 20 years with two children. Many married people I know have this sort of age gap. I'd be very careful about 'not supporting' a relationship purely based on age. 16 year olds tend to feel things very intensel

user1497403588 · 03/08/2017 15:41

I was 17 when started going out with 24 year old, still together now! age isn't relevant, dont think this guy is bad for dating your dd. guys her age have the exact same ability to do whatever it is you think, to her.

Deliaskis · 03/08/2017 15:42

My sister started a 3 year relationship at the age of 15 with a guy 5 years older. He was nice, treated her well, and eventually she ended it after her first year of uni when she realised how many more fish in the sea there were.

My Mum and Dad maintain that she missed out on so much social stuff (he was a quiet type), but actually she thinks (and I would agree) that she had quite a bit of turbulent friendship stuff at that time and wasn't great at change (e.g. moving to uni) and actually his quiet steadiness was very comforting during that period, when she was not quite ready to spread her wings.

MagicMoneyTree · 03/08/2017 15:43

Any boyfriend of any age could end up hurting her. It's a risk you take when you start dating someone - age gap or not. I can understand your reservations, but all you can really do is be supportive and hope for the best.