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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD16 dating 21 year old

80 replies

britainteascones · 03/08/2017 15:15

My recently turned 16 year old DD is now apparently dating a 21 year old man and I have told her that I don't support this relationship, I can't see what someone five years older would see in her and I am worried she will end up hurt.

Aibu to feel this way? And maybe any stories where this has worked out to make me feel any better. Thanks.

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 03/08/2017 16:28

My first proper BF was 21 when I was 16. Was with him for 5 years and it was a wonderful relationship but just fizzled out, we still got on fine for a few years after though.

My mum and dad LOVED him.

elk4baby · 03/08/2017 16:34

My mum could've written your post way back when I was your DD's age. I had older boyfriends.... and flipped through them like a lady changes gloves (my mum's saying). (Before anyone makes any assumptions/judgements, no sex whatsoever had been had until much later when I was at uni, with my now husband). She was worried at first, but what helped both me and her was to keep the dialogue going. She managed to remain my best friend while still being my mum.

I made her see that most boys my age were so incredibly immature (to me at the time, I'm sure they've caught up in time), and THEY were after the one thing. I found their company frustrating!

The elder boys were after more, not just that notorious one thing - like actual meaningful conversation. And by that point they had formed actual opinions of their own about things, not just following what was 'in' at the time among their peers. The age gap of, say 3-6 years isn't really that wide at that stage. Girls tend to mature earlier and all...

My husband is 6 years older than me. Twelve years of marriage, immigration, three children and an 11 year old cat later - we're still happy together.

DeadDoorpost · 03/08/2017 16:46

There's a 5 yr gap between me and my DH. We started dating when I was 19 but we met 2 years before then. He's always said that he remembered me from then but wasn't interested as I was a bit too young.. 2 years later he felt differently (we didn't speak much at all and weren't friends for those 2 years). A few weeks before we started dating my dad phoned me up to say he approved and really liked him which was nice. Not that I was even thinking about dating this guy just then.
Anyway, it's always good to be cautious as a parent because you can see outside as an impartial person, but I'm glad you're also going to make an effort. You can always give her advice and talk with her about concerns if you need to. I trusted my dad's impressions though so always valued what he thought (and went against it when I dated a Russian guy... big mistake that I wish I'd listened to my dad about but there we go. Insight is useful)

BeBeatrix · 03/08/2017 16:51

Close friends of mine started dating when she was 18 and he was 30. They're now happily married with two children.

The Queen fell in love with Prince Philip when she was 13 and he was about 7 years older, and that seems to have worked out well!

I can see why you're worried, but I think the advice to get to know him is wise.

NouveauBitch · 03/08/2017 16:55

I think you're right to be concerned. From a lot of the stories here it seems that it can be nothing but my experience in dating a 21 year old when I was 16 is that he was very controlling and caused quite a lot of damage to my mental health. I suspect he sought me out because I was younger and women his age wouldn't have put up with his nonsense, but can't back that up. I just know there was an imbalance of power and he used that to his advantage. If I had a teenage daughter with a much older boyfriend I'd worry about his motives - and also why he wasn't dating someone his own age.

Mia1415 · 03/08/2017 17:02

I met my ex DH when I was 16 and he was 21. We started dating when I was 17. We got married when I was 22 and divorced a number of years later. The age gap was never an issue.

Although we are divorced we are still good friends.

Brittbugs80 · 03/08/2017 17:05

My friend dated a 21 year old when she was 14. They split when she went to Uni.

Her parents hated it and made it known, threatened to go to the Police and because it angered them, she rebelled and stayed with him. She said herself if they hadn't batted an eyelid, she would have finished it way sooner than she did!

JaneEyre70 · 03/08/2017 17:12

I've got 3 DDs, and oddly enough they've all had older bf's as lads their own age seemed to drive them mad. I think some lads do mature a little slower than girls, so don't be too worried at the gap. My concerns were going out in the car with them (told never to get in a car if they were showing off or driving recklessly and I'd pick them up from wherever) and going too far physically than they were ready for, but I told them about why I was worried and it's always been OK. Our middle DD moved in her with her bf at 19 and I really wasn't happy - they had a little barn conversation on his family farm but funnily enough, she didn't enjoy it at all and came home after 2 years. Said she was far too young for that responsibility. You have to show some faith and trust that you've raised them well, so in a way you have to welcome him into the fold and make sure that she always knows she can talk to you. Making him seem forbidden is going to make him more attractive to her, sadly. It's not easy Flowers

diddl · 03/08/2017 17:15

I don't think that it's the 5yrs difference-but to me 16 is still a kid, still at school.

21 is Uni/working-quite different imo.

needsomesunshineandwine · 03/08/2017 17:15

I was 16 just turning 17 when I met my boyfriend, we have been together 11 years and married now.

RiseToday · 03/08/2017 17:19

When I was 17 I started seeing a 28 yr old. We were together 2.5 yrs and I also outgrew him.

If your daughter is a mature 16 yr old then it's really not that big of an age gap imo. Has she just turned 16?

GoingRogue · 03/08/2017 17:24

When I was 16, I had a 26yr old boyfriend. Neither of our Mums were particularly pleased, but once they got to know me/him they were happy. Plus there's a 10yr age gap between my Mum and Dad.

We had 3.5 very happy years together and got engaged before he sadly died, aged 29.

alfagirl73 · 03/08/2017 17:32

I think rather than focusing on the age thing, look at what kind of relationship they have. Does he treat her nicely? Do they have lots to talk about? Are they having fun and enjoying a perfectly nice relationship? Sure, it might not work out long term... or he could be the man she marries... no one knows the future. Meet him, talk to him, encourage your daughter to tell you about him without responding in a disapproving way. That way you'll be able to get a sense of what drives their relationship and if she's happy and he's treating her nice, then let her enjoy the relationship. Don't write him off based on an age difference that in the scheme of things isn't really that big.

woundedbutwalking · 03/08/2017 17:33

I met my husband when I was 16 & he was 21, that was 18 years ago!!!

We've just had our PFB DD and life has never been better Smile

dingdongdigeridoo · 03/08/2017 19:10

I had a similar experience to you NouveauBitch. 21 year old who was very immature, jealous and controlling. Any 21 year old woman would have had the sense to run a mile. As a lovestruck 16 year old, I thought he was amazing. Because my parents were against us dating, I got far too deep into the relationship to see the damage it was doing to my mental health.

I think the best thing parents can do in this situation is to be supportive but keep a very close eye on the situation. Make sure their DD knows she can confide in them. It may well be that he's one of the good ones, but be careful.

MinnieSprinkles · 03/08/2017 19:14

In 2017 this relationship wont last long so dont worry about it.

BackforGood · 03/08/2017 19:22

What alfagirl said 3 posts back.

Age is just a number.
I have 3 dc, eldest is 21 and youngest is 16 next month, there's not such a difference. Through various activities they do they have lots of friends of different ages, you could never be able to accurately guess who is 21 and who is 16 if you didn't know.
Get to know the person not the number.

motherinferior · 03/08/2017 19:35

21 year olds are adults. Proper adults with political views and sex lives and ideas about what they want to do in life and drunk nights out that end at 4am and hangovers and regrettable escapades and jobs they grumble about/have ambitions for....

Sixteen-year-olds, not so much. They're great and funny and pretty and clever and lovely to be with but they're kids. I adore mine. I'm also quite sure, looking at some of the terrific young men and women I've known since they too were 16, that she'll be quite different at 21. It's quite a big five years!

Littlestgirlguide25 · 03/08/2017 21:49

I was 17 when I met my now DH, he is 16 years older.
To say my Mum and dad were unimpressed would be an understatement. But now, 18 years later, we have been married 11 years, have 2 DCs and my parents have totally accepted him as the lovely man he is.
An age gap is not always a bad thing.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 03/08/2017 21:56

My in-laws, she was 16 and he was early 20's. She got pregnant at 16 as well, whoops. But they are in their late 60's and still together.

I was just 17 when I met DH 29, been together 18 years.

Hihosilverlining11 · 03/08/2017 22:14

I had similarly age gap when I was her age. Nasty creep I can see that now. but I was besotted and determined to prove everyone's wrong. I don't want to offend people who've had these relationships turn out well but i remember someone saying to me , when your mid teens you think all the older boyfriends are amazing and then you get to the boyfriends age and you see what kind of 20 year olds date teenagers. at best it's guys who aren't confident enough to speak to girls their own age and at worse it's nasty creeps who wouldn't find adults willing to put up with their shit.

MrsJayy · 03/08/2017 22:18

My first serious bf at 17 was 22 we went out for a few months and it fizzled out i think you should welcome him be uber nice and see how it pans out really nothing you can do .

user1471443813 · 03/08/2017 22:23

When I was 16 I had a 32 year old boyfriend. In hindsight, that was not good for me and was really wrong. He was awful.

Fishlaar · 03/08/2017 22:34

I was 16 and my DH 24 when we got together. We've been married 33 years. My parents were supportive and barely mentioned the age gap.

Their attitude was something I kept very much in mind when at 16 our DD1 'met' a man on the internet and wanted to go and meet him. With a few precautions put in place they met and and 12 years later they are married with two DC of their own.

My advice would be to stay calm and not automatically think the worst. Don't make a fuss or be judgemental so your DD feels comfortable in talking to you about the relationship. Communication is the key, along with remembering how it feels to be 16 and head over heels about someone.

Original poster
britainteascones · 03/08/2017 22:46

Some nice stories on here reading through and some bad - yes being older and taking advantage of a young person is what I was most afraid of but you're all right in saying I should meet him first. I guess partly I was worried as this is DD's first "proper" boyfriend so it seemd a big step for her, she really doesn't seem as grown up (and looks younger than she is) as a 21 year old. Ah well, spoke to DD and she put my initial reaction down to just "typical mum" and after a discussion we have arranged to have the boyfriend here for dinner on Sunday.

OP posts: