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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD16 dating 21 year old

80 replies

britainteascones · 03/08/2017 15:15

My recently turned 16 year old DD is now apparently dating a 21 year old man and I have told her that I don't support this relationship, I can't see what someone five years older would see in her and I am worried she will end up hurt.

Aibu to feel this way? And maybe any stories where this has worked out to make me feel any better. Thanks.

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 03/08/2017 15:45

I was sixteen and first bf 21. He was really lovely to me.

My parents refused to speak to him or accept it and this resulted in me leaving home and moving in with his family.....

We did split, after five years , probably partly because of the pressures but no one else I have ever dated, including the man I married, has ever been so nice.

Original poster
britainteascones · 03/08/2017 15:45

It seems most posters agree that it could turn out alright and I need to speak to the boy firsthand, I will apologise to DD and ask to meet the new boyfriend asap. Thanks folks.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 03/08/2017 15:45

It's not so much the relationship itself that would worry me. Is he into clubs and pubs? Would she want to go to them if he is in to them too?
Does he drive? Do you want her out and about in a car with him?
I know that not all 21 year old people love pubs and clubs and drive like a loon though Grin

picklemepopcorn · 03/08/2017 15:46

I dated guys that age and much older. I'm now married to someone the same age as me.

It's all about her. If she has strong boundaries and knows what she wants she will be able to handle it. A slightly older boyfriend may well be less likely to mess her about than someone her own age, as they are a bit more mature.

Filofanny · 03/08/2017 15:46

My recently turned 16 year old has also just started seeing a 21 year old so I completely share your concerns. She's not particularly grown up for her age, and he lives in a shared flat having recently left the army. We haven't met him yet, have only heard his car ( it's the noisiest I've ever heard).

I'm not going to forbid her from seeing him, because I think it could push her away, and obviously I don't want to do that. I'm trying to stay calm and sensible, and I'll be reading other people's advice.

BoredOnMatLeave · 03/08/2017 15:50

I really don't think that is that bad. When I was 16 I had a 23 year old boyfriend. It didn't work out but was a life lesson and I don't regret it. My mum was quite supportive and I would say we are closer because of that.

IloveBanff · 03/08/2017 15:52

When I was 16 my boyfriend was 24. Nothing bad happened. I think you are totally unreasonable. People are individuals and shouldn't be judged by their ages.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/08/2017 15:54

When my friend was 15 she started dating a 21 year old man. Her parents did not approve. They later married then divorced. She told me if the parents had kept out of it it would have fizzled out....as they interfered it threw them more together...

Stay out of it unless he causes her harm. It's not your business.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 03/08/2017 15:57

Haven't RTFT yet (I will go back though!) but.....

I was with a 24 yr old at 16, it was a perfectly healthy relationship, and I ditched him because I outgrew him.

My DP is 15 years older than me, we have been together for 8 years and have a DS together.

I have always had older boyfriends and girlfriends.
I don't have parent issues, and it's not conscious, just the circles I move in, my interests and the type of person I get on well enough to have a relationship with generally tend towards a slightly older group.

I also have brilliant and functioning friendships with people my age, and people 15 years younger.

Not everything like this is sinister or dodgy, sometimes it's just as simple as shared interests and meshing personalities.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2017 15:58

I was 18 and started a relationship with a 25 year old. It ended because he was an arse but that had nothing to do with his age. Some people are arses and some aren't. Give him the chance to prove which one he is.

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 03/08/2017 15:58

Although we were never in a relationship I made a very good friend who was 27 when I was 18. We spent an awful lot of time together, going out to the cinema, out for meals or just at each others house. As I say, it never went further than that but it could have done. We did have a lot in common and got on very well. I am still in touch with him to some extent 20 years later, but, as someone else said, I outgrew him.

On that basis, I would say that a relationship with just 5 years difference could be fine. It just depends on both involved.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/08/2017 15:59

17 and 23 here. He was my first love and I look back fondly on that time. He was (and is - we're Facebook friends) a really nice guy. He's mid forties and expecting his first baby with his girlfriend now.

My parents' rules were that school work came first during the week but that I could see him at weekends. My mum made sure I was on the pill. And they expected me to be honest about where I was going with him etc. They actually really liked him.

ChasingHighs · 03/08/2017 16:00

I was 17 when I met my DP. He was 23 at the time. We are still together 100s of years later.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 03/08/2017 16:03

I want to add....if your DD is into a particular kind of music/sub culture/ thing, then the chances are she will be in a wide group of ages.

As an example I'm really into some random bands/types of music, and the people I meet in these circles generally (but not always obviously!) tend towards being a bit older than me, but recently there are a lot of much younger people getting into the scene.

My friend is into a really obscure series of comics, and the people she meets with the same interests tend to be about 12 years younger than her, so it works both ways aswell.

MrsPorth · 03/08/2017 16:03

He's less likely to muck her about than a boy of 16, arguably.

I'd be more concerned if I were HIS mum tbh because I think your daughter will probably outgrow him.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 16:06

Good for you op

If it's meant to be it will last and if not it won't. Not a big age gap but obviously make sure she's sorted for contraceptio.

loberite · 03/08/2017 16:10

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trulybadlydeeply · 03/08/2017 16:10

@motherinferior - how do you know that his young man has been to university and is entering the "graduate world"? We cannot know his educational work/background.

OP - as you have indicated you will do - get to know him, invite him round, and give him the benefit of the doubt. At 17 I dated a 25 year old for some time, and he was much more respectful of my wishes on the physical side of the relationship that boys my own age. An older boy/young man is not automatically a threat.

It will also depend on your daughter as well, on her maturity, her personality, and what she is potentially looking for in a relationship. Where did they meet? Do they have shared interests?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 03/08/2017 16:11

I'd be more concerned if I were HIS mum tbh because I think your daughter will probably outgrow him.

This is totally true. Grin

Totally applies to the mum of the bf I was with at 16 (8 years older), whom I ditched for getting on my tits.
She was absolutely gutted when we broke up, and even now, nearly 20 years later, whenever I see her in town, mentions it, like I broke up with her!

She was convinced we'd started some childhood sweetheart romance, and would be together for ever Confused
She was lovely really, but I think she got carried away with the teen romance aspect, which, writing this down now, is actually really weird.... hmmmmm....

MonochromeDog · 03/08/2017 16:16

I met DH when I was 16 and he was 21. Been together 22 years, married for 18 and have 3 kids.

It could work out, maybe give him a chance? Invite him round for dinner and get to know him? I think you'll be able to scope him out and make a judgement based on how he is rather than his age.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 03/08/2017 16:17

It seems most posters agree that it could turn out alright and I need to speak to the boy firsthand, I will apologise to DD and ask to meet the new boyfriend asap. Thanks folks

Well done op.

The right approach.
All we are saying is don't let your automatic (and understandable tbh) suspicions cloud your judgement.

And as has been pointed out loads on here.....she is much more likely to get fed up with, and/or outgrow this relationship quicker than him Grin

Just don't go the other way and turn into the kind of boyfriends mother I just wrote about ^^^ up there! Grin

Choccyhobnob · 03/08/2017 16:18

I was 16, my first bf was 22, met him on the internet no less back in the good old days of msn chat rooms!

I was madly in love with him and wild horses wouldn't have stopped me seeing him. It was tricky at times, I could never get into any of the places he wanted to go with his friends as I looked so young. Looking back I think it was mainly physical , we didn't really have anything in common and he turned out to be a sex addict who cheated on me then looked me up years later (both of us now married) and proceeded to try and get me to have sex with him again....

Anyway, I'm still glad I went out with him as it's the first and only time I've ever experienced such fierce emotions, both good and bad and I look back on my first love fondly and chalk it up to life experience.

motherinferior · 03/08/2017 16:22

Well, if he hasn't been to university - and nearly a third of young people do go - he's still of that level of age and experience and general attitude towards life. He's an adult, with adult friends and expectations

motherinferior · 03/08/2017 16:24

Well, if he hasn't been to university - and nearly a third of young people do go - he's still of that level of age and experience and general attitude towards life. He's an adult, with adult friends and expectations - I don't mean sexually, I mean generally.

How many of us were similar at 21 to the people we were at 16? I was vastly different.

PUGaLUGS · 03/08/2017 16:28

I was 16 when I met DH who was 21.

35 years later we are still together...