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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset with DH for his attitude after coming home after 10 days

94 replies

Generallyok · 02/08/2017 18:46

DH's job requires him to be away abroad every weeks with work. He has just come back from 10 days away in a beautiful destination. When he returns I'm usually quite knackered after looking after 2 Dc's and feel like he should come home and jump into the role as dad, but he finds it hard. He has been staying in a lovely 5 star hotel with a pool etc. he finishes quite early so has a lovely relaxing evenings. I have flicked through his phone and seen the resort and pictures of the activities he did in the evenings with colleagues. I don't begrudge him this but what I find hard is that he doesn't recognise that he has had a break and come back refreshed. I would be itching to spend time with kids if I had been away from then for 10 days but he just finds it really difficult. Ds had a vomiting bug the day after he came back and poor dd was watching endless tv while I sat with ds and a sick bowel. DH came home from first day back at the office , said he headache and went to bed and slept for 5 hours. Usually within a week he finds it a bit easier to be a dad but I resent his attitude when he comes back. Sorry for long message but aibu?

OP posts:

EastMidsMummy · 02/08/2017 18:48

A bit. He's been working, not on holiday.

NapQueen · 02/08/2017 18:49

Yanbu generally.

But id let mine off if they felt unwell. Assuming it was not habitual.

How long is he home between trips?

Penny4UrThoughts · 02/08/2017 18:49

I can totally see both sides.

Travelling wears me out, and the last thing I would want to be faced with is dealing with sick kids. Back to earth with a huge bump!

But.. Sometimes you gotta just plaster that grin on your face and get on with it, and this is what he needs to do. Because what you've been doing is hard, abs you deserve a break.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 18:50

He hasn't had a break. He is at work. Going out with colleagues and living in hotels isn't fun if you do it all the time, it is boring. I travel all the time, I am sitting by the pool at a 5 star hotel now- it is still work.

Does he have jet lag?

I know it is hard but honestly travelling the world in hotels is not fun. Flying is tiring and a pain and living in hotels saps you.

BagelDog · 02/08/2017 18:50

SOUNDs like he has been working nine to five and then having lovely evenings off while OP has been flat out with childcare. So no, you are not being unreasonable. However he probably reckons that he has been working hard and hasn't appreciated how hard being single handed with children is. Think you need to talk to him about this and how you need some child free time asap when he gets back to recharge.

BasinHaircut · 02/08/2017 18:51

No I don't think you are BU. He may have been working but so have you, and you've been on duty 24/7.

MerryMarigold · 02/08/2017 18:51

How old are ds and dd? I think it does make a difference.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 18:54

lovely evenings off

Going out with colleagues is working- not having lovely evenings off!

SilverdaleGlen · 02/08/2017 18:54

Oh come on, I travel with work and yes is tiring especially if you are doing long shows or something but you do get some downtime and when you've shaken off the travel fatigue (and as a single mum to 3 not even getting that) then you just step up.

YANBU OP. Can't say I'm always overjoyed to have them, sometimes it's a bit "fuck they are hard work" but they never see that and you just do your duty!

A week to recover? Fuck that shit seriously.

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 18:54

I am afraid, yes, AIBU

The most luxury hotel for a business trip is still work, it's not a break. I am tired just travelling back from holiday, and feel even worst from a business trip!

It's also hard to jump straight back in with kids, with the best will in the world.

It sound like he should make more effort, even if he is genuinely tired, but that you should be more understanding and realistic on what his time away was.

SeaToSki · 02/08/2017 18:55

I refer to it, in my own mind, as 're-entry'. Its like he has to adjust to a different mind set when he is back at home after working away for a while. He does adjust, but I do have to be patient and be gentle about pointing things out.

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 18:55

*YABU, not AIBU

ijustwannadance · 02/08/2017 18:56

When he finished work he could relax in his 5 star hotel and have drinks with colleagues or a dip in the pool with no worries about looking after anyone but himself.
Poor thing. Must have been so draining for him

LittleCandle · 02/08/2017 18:58

XH worked away and resented being expected to do things with the DC and around the house when he was back for his month off. He worked 12 hour shifts while at work, but in the other 12 hours he could do anything he wanted - sleep for 12 hours, eat for 12 hours, you get the idea - and he had to do nothing for himself. If he wanted his clothes to be washed, he left them on the cabin floor, someone else dealt with all that for him. He expected to come home and do nothing at all.

While I know he was earning the wage, I was on duty 24/7 with 2 DC, one of whom did not have the best of health and latterly I also had my elderly father to care for. XH would 'take ' the DC to the cinema, but instead of going in to watch whichever bit of tat they wanted to see, he would bugger off to the pub, expecting the DC to then make their own way to the pub afterwards. How was that spending time with the DC??!! I sometimes wonder how I stayed married to him for so long - oh yeah, it was a little matter of those vows I said - and meant - in church... They passed him by, too.

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 18:58

When he finished work he could relax in his 5 star hotel and have drinks with colleagues or a dip in the pool with no worries about looking after anyone but himself.

yes, because that's what business trips are like.

I wish!

SheenaWasAPunkRocker · 02/08/2017 19:00

YADNBU. I have small kids and travel with work. A few nights away in a hotel is an absolute breeze compared with staying at home being on call for DC 24/7. It's exactly as you describe - a (yes, sometimes busy and stressy) working day, but then an evening to lounge, drink wine, chat with colleagues, eat out - no cooking or clearing up - and then a lovely long undisturbed sleep in a big hotel bed. It's fucking ace :grin:

DP also travels with work. When whichever one of us has been away gets back, we get straight back into the childcare to give the other a break.

Perhaps you could have a weekend away and then need a few days 'to get back into the swing of it' when you return...

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 02/08/2017 19:00

I think it's tough shit that he's tired after a working holiday. It sounds like you've had a relentless two weeks and you're exhausted too.

Cantseethewoods · 02/08/2017 19:00

But the OP said he has had the evening's off. That's not that unusual. I usually travel alone and often have evenings free or have a relatively relaxed catch up dinner with a partner organisation

waitforitfdear · 02/08/2017 19:00

Bollocks my dh worked all over the world when ours were small including 6 months in Australia

As he will always say nothing but nothing is harder than being home with small kids.

kick his ass op

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:02

When he finished work he could relax in his 5 star hotel

he is with colleagues- so little downtime- constantly at work and required to abide by company conduct standards.

Depending on were he is in the world- long days. 6 hour time delay here- so Uk office opened at 2am and USA office will close at 6pm. Need to be in touch with Uk from 6am onwards (so 12 noon there and tbh that is pushing it a bit) until 12 and then another 6 hours for the USA work. So a 12 hour minimum working day, then hours of boring meals with colleagues (not friends)

BlahBlahSaidSquish · 02/08/2017 19:03

Is he jetlagged?

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:04

Even worse when the local office insists on entertaining you.

Cantseethewoods · 02/08/2017 19:04

wait I always find the difference between male and female 'parent' colleagues attitude to conferences/ meeting trips interesting

Men: oh this is so full on. I'm exhausted

Women: this is epic. I feel like I'm on vacation.

Cantseethewoods · 02/08/2017 19:06

the killers unless you are the Ops DH, the schedule of your work trips are irrelevant. The DH could have a much easier schedule.

Trollspoopglitter · 02/08/2017 19:06

I use to spend half my year living in hotels. Then I had kids and switched jobs.

It's so bloody EASY to live out of a suitcase and deal with jet lag and hotel food compared to being a parent!

He's an ass, and I'm astounded at all these posters saying it's still work. Yeah yeah yeah. I've worked 18 hour days and when I did, I wasn't socialising with colleagues after 5- I was still in the office. I also clocked off at 2pm and relaxed by the hotel pool at other times - so when the OP says she has seen photos of him doing the latter then he's had it easy.

And he's taking the piss.

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