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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset with DH for his attitude after coming home after 10 days

94 replies

Generallyok · 02/08/2017 18:46

DH's job requires him to be away abroad every weeks with work. He has just come back from 10 days away in a beautiful destination. When he returns I'm usually quite knackered after looking after 2 Dc's and feel like he should come home and jump into the role as dad, but he finds it hard. He has been staying in a lovely 5 star hotel with a pool etc. he finishes quite early so has a lovely relaxing evenings. I have flicked through his phone and seen the resort and pictures of the activities he did in the evenings with colleagues. I don't begrudge him this but what I find hard is that he doesn't recognise that he has had a break and come back refreshed. I would be itching to spend time with kids if I had been away from then for 10 days but he just finds it really difficult. Ds had a vomiting bug the day after he came back and poor dd was watching endless tv while I sat with ds and a sick bowel. DH came home from first day back at the office , said he headache and went to bed and slept for 5 hours. Usually within a week he finds it a bit easier to be a dad but I resent his attitude when he comes back. Sorry for long message but aibu?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 21:03

I was about to chime in and say I also travel for work and at the very least you get an uninterrupted night of sleep and the bed to yourself; at best, considerably more down time. From your latest post, he gets the better end of it. He shouldn't be slacking on time with the kids when he gets back (even if he's tired, he can do his best to suck it up) and he certainly shouldn't be volunteering for more evenings out when you haven't had a break yet.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 21:04

Surely he only needs 24 hours to recover a bit

personally I am usually fine on the day I get back (usually red eye into LHR and into work) and the next day. The 3rd day hits me the worst. No real difference if east or west.

But I imagine that everyone is different.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 21:10

I find I'm exhausted the day I get back, and I agree, that enjoying it and finding it demanding are not mutually exclusive. I'm struggling to believe those who say it's a blast. In my experience traveling for work is actually quite exhausting.

However I agree a week is taking the piss. And I also always stepped up when I got home.

gluteustothemaximus · 02/08/2017 21:32

So the DH has worked hard and is exhausted.

The OP has worked hard and is exhausted.

DH has a headache and takes himself off for 5 hours.

What if OP has a headache? Or will the OP always be the default parent?

OP has had the 24/7 job. Surely the DH doesn't have to keep up the hard work when he's sleeping?

I'd give him a day to recover, if that's what he needs, but most of the time women don't get that luxury.

A week...? That is royally taking the piss.

Has your DH ever had the 2 DC's alone?

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 02/08/2017 21:50

My ex used to take 5 hours to get a haircut, so sleeping off a headache after traveling doesn't sound unreasonable.

But, yeah, a week to readjust to home is a bit much!

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 21:54

I just can't imagine a loving relationship where if both were home but one was ill with a headache, the other insists on 50:50 parenting! DH wouldn't do that to me and I wouldn't do that to him. What's the point in being in a relationship if you treat each other like that?

LoveDeathPrizes · 02/08/2017 22:01

Leave him to it with the kids for a bit and go out. It'll force him back into kid mode. I must admit I find the switch between work/ free time back to kids a bit tricky and sometimes if DH is around I might try to avoid it but I can do it as soon as I have to. Having said that, I spend eighty percent of the time with them including nights.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 02/08/2017 22:02

Your Dh is taking the mickey! Yanbu at all. Business trips in fancy hotels nice climate pool etc are far more relaxing than being at home with the kids. And a week to recover is nonsense..my husband used to do a lot of travel and he would get 24 hours of jet lag sympathy but that was it! Then he just had to get on with it..
If he is resistant to change perhaps more help for you instead? Esp while he is away..au pair/Pt nanny etc etc?

RainbowBriteRules · 02/08/2017 22:08

YANBU. I would be massively pissed off by that. A bit of time to recover, fine but 5 hours in bed with a headache? I'm guessing you don't get time off to recover or 5 hours in bed?

Even if you accept that his trip is work why does he then get all the downtime after work? Where is your downtime? And siting on the sofa watching CBeebies while still being in charge of kids does not count as downtime!

corrianderisevil · 02/08/2017 22:12

OP I totally hear you and don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Whilst I understand he has been working - he's also had plenty of time to himself, and presumably not had to do the nothing run of the mill stuff like cooking, cleaning and washing. Not to mention looking after poorly DC. He needs to appreciate that you've had absolutely no time to yourself over the last 10 days and should be offering you a bit of respite when get returns, not going to bed for 5 hours. Occasionally, my DH works away (only a couple of nights and only to London so not international) but I always notice he comes back a tad on the selfish side - I.e getting himself showered/fed/dressed etc before considering anyone else (we have 3 young DC) and generally putting his needs first. This normally lasts a day or so before he gets back into the swing of family life.

I think you should have a little word with DH and tell him how you feel. If he's away travelling often then you need to nip it in the bud before you begin to resent his trips away. Either that, or you just announce that you are off to the gym/spa/pub and he's in charge of the kids for a while

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 02/08/2017 22:20

Hah! Tis the age-old argument in our house.
Competitive tiredness.
His view: having to fly long haul, schmooze and come back jet lagged does not constitute a "jolly"
My view: restaurant, hotel and anytime away from kids = my side
Same with being impatient with kids.
If I ever snap, I've had the kids for hours. If he comes home and snaps, it's not fair he's irritated if he's only been back 20 minutes.
As you can see, I'm a dream to live with

wtffgs · 02/08/2017 22:24

When he finished work he could relax in his 5 star hotel and have drinks with colleagues or a dip in the pool with no worries about looking after anyone but himself.
Poor thing. Must have been so draining for him

This

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2017 07:05

It's pretty clear your dh is taking the piss. A week to recover from a tiring business trip would be taking the piss. If he gets daily swims, evenings relaxing watching movies etc then it's just a joke. And if you really needed a week to recover from business trips which are a regular event you need a new job if your family isn't happy with the balance.

hannah1992 · 03/08/2017 07:25

Yanbu for the posters saying that even when he's finished work he's still working is mind boggling to me. My dh works away usually on the uk Monday to Friday but next week he off to Germany for three weeks. He's staying with his colleagues in apartment blocks so they can do their washing cook for themselves etc.

When he's in the uk they go for a pub dinner after work and go back to the hotel and then they can do whatever they want often while he's sat chilling out watching tv I'm still battling with bedtime! However he comes home on a Friday evening usually in time for tea we sit have tea and then he baths the kids reads stories and does bedtime for the weekend. I don't ask him to he just does! He also takes them out on a Saturday morning to do something and if we are having a Sunday roast he will take them to the park for an hour or so while I sort th dinner out. Parenting is a partnership you work together so yes he goes to work yes he works hard yes his job is hard work but he hasn't seen his kids all week so the weekends to Him are precious! He's dreading going to Germany because it's three weeks away. Can guarantee that he will be coming back andthe first thing he does is something for the kids

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2017 07:32

I travel with work quite a lot. Unlike others on this thread I stay in travelogues and usually work at my computer until late into the evening (and get up early to start the next day at 6.30). It's still a break - no washing tidying cleaning cooking or dealing with the usual child related chores (eg packing school bags etc). I still do everything on my own terms.

chestylarue52 · 03/08/2017 08:21

I don't think the problem is with your husbands work at all, its with his attitude to home life. His children shouldn't be an awful burden that he has to shoulder when he's refreshed enough to stomach it. Why can't he have them on the sofa cuddled up watching a film while you have a sleep for a bit? Does he not want to see them after he's been away for such a long time? They must feel this rejection from him, poor mites.

I travel a lot for work and its usually men who say, 'oh you'll get sick of living in hotels eventually, its much better at home', and I think, there goes a person who doesn't do their own laundry, clean their own bathroom, cook their own meals! I'll never get sick of hotel living!

MerryMarigold · 04/08/2017 06:52

Does he not want to see them after he's been away for such a long time? They must feel this rejection from him, poor mites.

^ That is very true

Reason I asked age, OP, is that mine are now 8,8,and 11 and when dh goes away we have a ball. No one to nag us! It gets easier as they get older.

TipTopTipTopClop · 04/08/2017 07:06

I think a sick child would trump any reassimilation issues that might arise.

I know if my husband were gone for 10 days, my kids would be chomping at the bit to see him. He's a complete wanker when he's tired but he's also a very good dad so I think he'd probably convince the sick child to nap with him.

hotcrossbun83 · 04/08/2017 07:32

YANBU. I work in events, I used to travel for work a lot, and put in 16-20 hour days onsite followed by a long haul flight home in economy. I now have 2 young dc and find it much more exhausting. Work travel is often fun even when it's tiring, and it sounds like he enjoys it or he wouldn't be against looking for another job.

My dh travels for work and there is always a bit of a clash period when he gets back. I think he's thinking that he just walked in the door, can he not sit down for one hour? I am wound pretty tight if it's been a long week. We often argue but usually shake it off by the next day.

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