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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset with DH for his attitude after coming home after 10 days

94 replies

Generallyok · 02/08/2017 18:46

DH's job requires him to be away abroad every weeks with work. He has just come back from 10 days away in a beautiful destination. When he returns I'm usually quite knackered after looking after 2 Dc's and feel like he should come home and jump into the role as dad, but he finds it hard. He has been staying in a lovely 5 star hotel with a pool etc. he finishes quite early so has a lovely relaxing evenings. I have flicked through his phone and seen the resort and pictures of the activities he did in the evenings with colleagues. I don't begrudge him this but what I find hard is that he doesn't recognise that he has had a break and come back refreshed. I would be itching to spend time with kids if I had been away from then for 10 days but he just finds it really difficult. Ds had a vomiting bug the day after he came back and poor dd was watching endless tv while I sat with ds and a sick bowel. DH came home from first day back at the office , said he headache and went to bed and slept for 5 hours. Usually within a week he finds it a bit easier to be a dad but I resent his attitude when he comes back. Sorry for long message but aibu?

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 02/08/2017 19:07

I would much prefer to be in my own home with sick children and 24 hour childcare than stuck away from home in a hotel (no matter how nice) with people I am obliged to socialise with and be polite to. It's not the same as being on holiday!

And yes, I've done both.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:07

Women: this is epic. I feel like I'm on vacation.

I am a woman- as I assume are most of the posters who have commented.

Going for a few days to a Uk hotel once or twice a year is not the same as regular international travelling.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:09

the killers unless you are the Ops DH, the schedule of your work trips are irrelevant. The DH could have a much easier schedule.

And they could have a more demanding one? We don't know. Your point is?

TheAntiBoop · 02/08/2017 19:09

Dh travels one week in 4 - sometimes over the two weekends. He sleeps well when he's away and sleeps well on the plane. He often arrives first thing Saturday and gets in to the kids waking up. He makes them breakfast and plays with them while I have a lie in. And he always acknowledges that he feels He has the easier job! He also wants to spend time with the kids as he doesn't see them as much.

He's definitely a bit of a jerk in other areas but not when it comes to travel!!

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:10

with people I am obliged to socialise with and be polite to

That is my view. You are never off duty. I have known a fair few colleagues who didn't get that and they are now ex employees.

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 19:11

Women: this is epic. I feel like I'm on vacation.

Female here, I don't find business trips relaxing in the slightest. It's a little bit better if I am flying on my own, but it's really not fun if I have to be in the same plane than colleagues.
In some countries with different views on sex/gender than our Western countries, it's actually exhausting. It's part of the job, it's not torture, but it's not a holiday. At all.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/08/2017 19:13

I travel a lot for work and it's definitely not a break. I wouldn't be impressed if I was expected to be grateful for going to work.

ZuzaPa · 02/08/2017 19:14

YANOTBU!!!! I bet that sounds heavenly to you! Even to be working, to get through a task without interruption, to be able to have a single thought to yourself in peace. Looking after small dc is all consuming. Repetitive, relentless, thankless work & there's no finishing time. I find working far easier than sahm. He probably is tired & acclimating, but tough, he should be jumping in to help as soon as he's bk, it's a luxury to know 'well if I won't do it, you will', and take himself off for a little nap. NO WAY!

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 19:16

It's so bloody EASY to live out of a suitcase and deal with jet lag and hotel food compared to being a parent!

completely disagree, I have done both as well. It's much easier to be able to slob in my pyjamas (after being up most of the night) watching Ceebies on tv and chill, than it is to travel, be on your best and most efficient behaviour. As long as you are not panicking about the kids health (first time your first born has croup anyone?), it's not stressful to be home.

Cantseethewoods · 02/08/2017 19:17

Going for a few days to a Uk hotel once or twice a year is not the same as regular international travelling.

Interesting (and patronising as fuck) assumption, but sadly,.......incorrect. You know there are conferences outside the UK, right?

You are never off duty but if the company is a good cultural fit that isn't really an issue is it?

Maybe if you find it all too much to sit around a pool sipping a cocktail you should consider a change.

Police force? Nursing? I hear those are a doss.

Trollspoopglitter · 02/08/2017 19:18

I got to slob in my pajamas once I got to my hotel. And I didn't have two children needing things from me the moment I got home. Were you being filmed in your hotel room, that you had to be on your best behaviour? Are you less than professional in your home office than when you work elsewhere?

Trollspoopglitter · 02/08/2017 19:20

Or maybe you mean you couldn't get stupid drunk because you were representing the firm.

missyB1 · 02/08/2017 19:22

Yes he was working so what? He had evenings off, all meals cooked for him, no domestic duties. The OP was working 24/7 and no one cooked her any meals!!
He's being selfish OP, tell him you had a headache when he was away but you couldn't take yourself off to bed!

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:25

Interesting (and patronising as fuck) assumption, but sadly,.......incorrect.

You sound delightful. Your view may differ to mine, that doesn't mean that you are right. I never mentioned conferences?

You are never off duty but if the company is a good cultural fit that isn't really an issue is it?

Most companies have codes of conduct in place.

Maybe if you find it all too much to sit around a pool sipping a cocktail you should consider a change.

I didnt say that I was sipping a cocktail? Have you been sipping a few too many?

Gwenhwyfar · 02/08/2017 19:26

All this about having to socialise with colleagues and work long hours is just guessing. I've gone on business trips where it was long hours and being forced to eat with colleagues or even external people in the evenings and others where I've been completely free from 5pm, able to choose whether to go out and eat with colleagues or relax in my room. The only time during those trips I was forced to eat with colleagues was at breakfast and I do remember one very strange one when one of the conference participants who I knew came and sat opposite me but didn't acknowledge me.

Work travel is completely different depending on the kind of work you do and the kind of place you work.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:26

Police force? Nursing? I hear those are a doss.

As you attacked me without actually knowing what I do and so that comment is amusing.

Notonthestairs · 02/08/2017 19:31

My DH travels a lot and has to socialise with clients etc. He's an introvert and doesn't enjoy it at all. I give him 24 hours to settle back at home and then he's expected to get stuck in to family life (which he does intermittently - but that's a relationship thread in itself ).

safariboot · 02/08/2017 19:31

What's the journey like and what (if any) is the timezone change? Doesn't matter how relaxing the break was, an exhausting journey back is an exhausting journey back.

HawthornLantern · 02/08/2017 19:36

I honestly don't think that all international business travel is the same. Mine varies quite a lot, from the 3 weeks away, 18 hour days, no socialisation (too busy writing reports) to other, usually shorter trips, where there is much less pressure and maybe even a weekend day free to visit fascinating places. I'm not obliged to dine with colleagues - and it's not always possible anyway - but generally I've been very lucky because the ones I have travelled with have been tremendously enjoyable company and interesting to get to know. At the end of the first kind of trip I am on my knees but after the second, I'm full of energy and enthusiasm.

It sounds very much like the OP's DH had a version of my second type of trip and in this case his only extenuating circumstance would be jet lag and the actual trip home - these can be grim and these days typically trigger a migraine for me, so he would have my sympathy for that.

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 19:36

YABU he's been working not on holiday. Living out of a hotel for work purposes is not relaxing like a holiday would be.

It does NOT sound like he has has evenings "off", it sounds like he has been doing professional social things with colleagues, which is very draining even if it's "fun" things, and certainly counts as work IMO! You have to stay in professional work mode but also be fun and witty to boot!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/08/2017 19:37

Aw, poor lamb having to travel and work away. Have evenings free. What the fuck as the OP been doing while he's away? I'm sure no one has been cooking every meal for her and babysitting all evening .

thekillers · 02/08/2017 19:39

Have evenings free

He had at least some evenings with colleagues. That isn't the same as free. That is still working.

GinnyWreckin · 02/08/2017 19:41

I bet he's coming down with the vomiting bug.

I find business travel and all the socialising exhausting, but then I'm an introvert, with food allergies.

I find looking after kids easier as I can set my own routine, and don't have to be "on".

My DH comes back from traveling and he's straight in to look after the kids. He actually likes them and misses them.

I think you've got to cut some slack OP, your DH may have picked up the bug. You may have too, so it's potentially a wall to wall vomitarium round yours!

We don't have the answers as we don't know anything other than what you've told us.
For eg, is your DH an introvert? Are you? Do your kids act up when their dad is away, or are they reasonable little tykes?

Personally, I like when my snoring DH is away as I sleep better. Everything is much better with good quality sleep, I find and not coming down with a bug

nemno · 02/08/2017 19:47

I think a week to readjust is taking the piss. Everyone is different so telling you that my husband travelled frequently for work but always said that my job was harder, is not particularly relevant. He got stuck into parenting as soon as he got back or at most after a sleep if he had worked a day and travelled home long distance overnight. My DC and I had no doubt that he wanted to be back with us. A day or 2 might be reasonable for someone introverted, overworked or who hates travel but a week?

Cantseethewoods · 02/08/2017 19:50

Hmm, the introvert thing is interesting actually. DH is introverted finds travelling exhausting (albeit still pulls his weight when he gets home and doesn't float around demanding "re-entry" time). I am extrovert and come back really invigorated. Love spending time with colleagues, partners and potential partners. I always learn loads, advance ideas etc. I still don't love the Mumbai -HK red eye but it's a price I'm happy to pay.

I also suspect it depends on

(1) do you like your colleagues (I do)
(2) do you find it restrictive to abide by code of conduct (I don't)
(3) are you the client or the seller (for want of a better word).

That said, some people find international travel exhausting. Some don't (as this thread shows). Some people find being a SAHP exhausting. Some don't. I still don't agree that the weariness of the business traveller trumps the weariness of the SAHP. When at home, everyone needs to parent especially if you're in the vomit or (even worse) multiple birthday party/ECA zone.

I remember getting off the Mumbai red eye to find a text from DH saying "remember scooter meet up (with DD's new class) at 9am" I nearly cried.

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