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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset with DH for his attitude after coming home after 10 days

94 replies

Generallyok · 02/08/2017 18:46

DH's job requires him to be away abroad every weeks with work. He has just come back from 10 days away in a beautiful destination. When he returns I'm usually quite knackered after looking after 2 Dc's and feel like he should come home and jump into the role as dad, but he finds it hard. He has been staying in a lovely 5 star hotel with a pool etc. he finishes quite early so has a lovely relaxing evenings. I have flicked through his phone and seen the resort and pictures of the activities he did in the evenings with colleagues. I don't begrudge him this but what I find hard is that he doesn't recognise that he has had a break and come back refreshed. I would be itching to spend time with kids if I had been away from then for 10 days but he just finds it really difficult. Ds had a vomiting bug the day after he came back and poor dd was watching endless tv while I sat with ds and a sick bowel. DH came home from first day back at the office , said he headache and went to bed and slept for 5 hours. Usually within a week he finds it a bit easier to be a dad but I resent his attitude when he comes back. Sorry for long message but aibu?

OP posts:

Mysteriouscurle · 02/08/2017 19:51

I cant see why being away for work with plenty downtime having meals set in front of me can be as hard as being at home with young children, on 24/7. To those saying he hasnt had a break, the OP has had even less downtime. If any.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 02/08/2017 19:54

But surely if you can't cope with work travel AND your home life, you should possibly be doing a different job.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 19:55

I'd also say you're being a little unreasonable.

I used to travel abroad about three days a week for work, and unlike a previous poster I would say travel is incredibly tiring. You then work when there, and expected to socialise in the evenings and it's not like socialising with friends, you're still basically working. You can also factor n jet lag. And also the ability to switch off and change mindset.

It is hard. He's not been having a lovely break. Is it harder than being a parent at home. I'm not sure to be honest, it's not a competition. Both can be extremely demanding and I say that having done both.

He should make more of an effort, but I would probably expect him to be knackered the day after he gets back.

The issue is people see the pics and thing oh wow it's like a holiday. My reality was always you could be anywhere in the world, you seldom see much outwith the hotel or office and it's just the same work in a different location but more full on as you need to contend with evenings too.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 19:58

I cant see why being away for work with plenty downtime having meals set in front of me can be as hard as being at home with young children, on 24/7

Having your meals put down in front of you is no different to getting a canteen lunch in the office. Location is irrelevant. And depending on the nature of the work then yes, it can be as demanding as being a stay at home parent. This isn't a thread about who has it harder parents who work or parents who don't.

As said I've done both and it's not a competition, both can be extremely demanding.

Jux · 02/08/2017 19:59

DH used to go away for work one weekend a month.

He would spend Wednesday getting himself into the right frame of mind,
Thursday resting before his long drive (150 miles), leave late on Thursday night so there's less traffic and arrive early Friday morning at his best mate's house, who would already be up as he'd have started taking his Charlie only a few hours before, both then stay up for a few hours doing god knows what,
Friday requires sleep until afternoon, Friday evening is work and then staying up until Saturday doing god knows what with best mate again,
Saturday same as Friday
Sunday same again,
Monday rest resdy for long drive back overnight,
arr Tuesday go stight to bed sleep until 3/4ish,
rest until Wednesday then unload car and get head into 'family' mode. Rejoin family mentally on Thursday.

That happened one weekend a month for about 4 months until I pointed out all of the above and asked when my time off and rest time was.

He stopped doing all of it! No more going away at all. I found it interesting that ye would give up all is glory, his gigs, his drugs, seeing his mate, just to avoid giving me some time off I'm not sure what I've done with that little nugget.

coddiwomple · 02/08/2017 19:59

I got to slob in my pajamas once I got to my hotel

Lucky you. I usually go to my hotel to sleep, so yeah, technically I am wearing pyjamas, but I have spent most evenings entertaining clients or being "entertain" by the local office managers. I don't have full days of chilling with my kids. It's work.

BannedFromNarnia · 02/08/2017 20:03

YANBU. I do a lot of demanding international travel for work and I'm always on, etc, like all the other posters have said. It's much fucking easier than solo parenting for ten days. Much.

The only thing that I think is OK is the headache and sleeping - jet lag and the cabin pressure can do a real number on me so indulging him in a nap straight off is OK.

But a week? Fuck that.

thekillers · 02/08/2017 20:05

I think travelling get easier as you get higher up the tree. You can set your own schedule more. I no longer travel with colleagues luckily. I now consider flight time much more than I used to.

schokolade · 02/08/2017 20:06

What if you got a headache OP, would you be 'allowed' *to go to bed for five hours?

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/08/2017 20:08

YANBU. Work trips away most definitely can be fun. I used to love most of the trips I went on before I had kids and kaboshed the working away from home thing. Whether they are for your DH or not depends on him and what the trips are like. But I don't think that's so relevant, because it doesn't sound like you're asking for him to come back and "make up" for being away, but to come back and get stuck in at an appropriate level straight away, rather than coming back and resenting the fact he has kids and doesn't have someone to do all mundane bits of running a family. Coming home from work and going to bed with a headache for 5 hours when one of your kids has a committing bug is almost never appropriate, whether you've been on a trip away or not.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/08/2017 20:09

*vommitting, not committing bug!

TheEmmaDilemma · 02/08/2017 20:11

Business travel can look a lot more glamours than it is. I could take some wicked pictures and make it look like I had a ball.

Reality:
I could be on a flight that meant I was up at 4am to be there, check into a hotel 'refresh' and go to a meeting. A 'nice lunch' out with the team. Back into the boardroom. Back to the hotel to 'refresh' for 30 mins. Nice meal out with the team. Waiting for the boss to say last drink, because you don't want to be 'that person'.

Back to meet in the hotel lobby at 7.30am to go back to the office for the same. Repeat and rinse.

Yes, you might get to see a nice hotel. You might eat a bit of food that's nice. You barely get a minute to relax or to yourself in my experience.

But that doesn't mean it's not as hard for you OP. I'm just saying, that sometimes, it can look all lovely, but be utterly exhausting.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/08/2017 20:11

"But surely if you can't cope with work travel AND your home life, you should possibly be doing a different job."

^^
This.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 02/08/2017 20:14

Surely he only needs 24 hours to recover a bit

FeralBeryl · 02/08/2017 20:17

What is it you work as the killers? (Amazing name btw )
I can see both sides - but ultimately it's difficult to feel sympathy if you receive a phone call from a freshly washed partner who is sitting in 30 degree heat near a pool before dinner whilst you're wrestling 3 or 4 feral beasts into an unwanted bath after doing the joy of teatime alone.

TheEmmaDilemma · 02/08/2017 20:21

Sorry. To be clear I'd expect him to dig in as much as possible, but I think it's appropriate to understand how much those trips can take out of you. But I'm not your DH so I don't know.

For me, I've been to some lovely places, seen very little of them, had about 0% of time to myself apart from when I was sleeping. And had to be 100% there to network etc. at every point. It's utterly exhausting. Much like a toddler.

Polichinelle · 02/08/2017 20:22

I've done plenty of long haul business travel on the past and I find it exhausting. The jet lag is a killer on the way there and back. I don't sleep properly for the entire length of the trip. Plus on the evenings you have to socialise with colleagues and in some countries, you have to get up at the crack of dawn to be in the office by 7. So overall I think YAB a little bit U.

HipsterHunter · 02/08/2017 20:25

The guys at work with kids are always like "I'm really looking forward to working away next week, three nights of uninterrupted sleep!"

Unless you have got horrible jet lag, or you are working mental hours - there is no way working 9-5 in a foreign location is harder than looking after the kids 24-7.

No washing, no responsobilities, no cooking, no cleaning up - full nights sleep.

Personally I quite like going out with colleges in the evening. Eat a nice meal, have a few glasses of wine, chat about the project and personal stuff.

LonelyGir1 · 02/08/2017 20:27

You're being ridiculous. He has been at work, not having a break. Expecting him to come back refreshed shows a lack of understanding IMO. If you had ever worked at the same level you'd all know that all the dinners are actually exhausting.

choli · 02/08/2017 20:30

Enforced socializing with coworkers is VERY draining for me.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/08/2017 20:46

He's been at work not away with the boys. You haven't so have been free to come and go as you please with no work, deadlines etc.

So many seem to want a high earner so they don't have to work then still moan they have to parent or do jobs around the house.

Original poster

Generallyok · 02/08/2017 20:46

Thanks or all replies. I would say my Dh is an extrovert and makes no secret that he enjoys the travel. A few days before he goes he starts downloading lots of programmes/ films to catch up on and gets time to watch them in his room after dinner. Face times kids early evening from hotel after having gone for a swim so although I get your point that for some it's exhausting he does always come back looking very refreshed. Whereas I am usually feeling knackered. I have asked my dh to consider looking for another job that doesn't involve travel but he is reluctant as he would miss the variety of his work. He is out tonight again entertaining - he volunteered ( I think it beats putting the kids to bed, washing up etc etc!

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 20:48

I enjoy my work and can get completely drained by it, it's not mutually exclusive OP.

LonelyGir1 · 02/08/2017 20:51

TinselTwins, exactly!

That said, I think this is probably symptomatic of how exhausted you are OP. Hopefully you can find some support/time for your own break soon.

Purplemac · 02/08/2017 20:58

Even if the DH was working 18 hours days, staying in a shitty hotel, and getting no downtime whilst away travelling with work (which doesnt sound like this is the case at all) - that just cancels out the hours that OP is doing at home. When they are both at home, it should be 50/50 parenting. Maybe a day to sleep off jetlag if really needed. A week is taking the piss.

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