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Asking DH to remove the woman he had an affair with from fab....aibu?

98 replies

Booboob · 02/08/2017 09:23

DH had an affair whilst married with a young child.... anyway his dw found out, he ended the affair and subsequently his marriage broke down.... zoom forwards 10 years we are now happily married with 2 small children of our own and my 2 step children have a great relationship /family life with us and their mum. Recently I spotted that the woman he had the affair with is friends with him on fb.....
I think this is not acceptable and asked him to remove her for that very reason. He did immediately without any argument but he brought it up last night saying I was unreasonable to have asked him to do so and that he should be allowed to be friends on FB with her.....AIBU?

OP posts:
GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 15:32

Very controlling in my opinion. I would go mental if a guy tried to tell me who I could be friends with.

If you'd cheat on a partner and then insist on seeing that person when you were with the next partner and then 'go mental' if they had a normal reaction to that, I'd say you were the problem in that relationship.

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 15:35

It's an ex from 10 years ago. Someone he was sleeping with long before the OP came into his life.

What people are pointing out is that making him remove her from his Facebook because you don't trust her and she was the other woman makes zero sense because it was HIM who had the affair. Yes, she went there, but it's amazing how often it's the other woman who's the untrustworthy one and never the man who has had an affair.

If they wanted to hook up, heave had 10 years to do it. If the OP is that worried about an affair (which she may have valid reasons for) then the issue is a husband with a track record of affairs, not the presence of an ex from a decade ago.

Hapaxlegomenon · 02/08/2017 15:46

I'd also develop a very strong hatred for her.

Can I ask why? And why not him?

I was being light hearted but i actually would. I know what I'm like, and easy to hate someone who has tempted your husband. I would feel disrespected by her presence on his Facebook. You could develop a hatred for your own husband instead but where's that going to get you?

GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 15:57

Yes, she went there, but it's amazing how often it's the other woman who's the untrustworthy one and never the man who has had an affair.

They are both untrustworthy! Obviously if the OP trusted him she wouldn't give a shit who he spoke to, however she s married to him so she's kind of stuck with him

GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 15:58

You could develop a hatred for your own husband instead but where's that going to get you?

I'd be furious at my husband in this situation and questioning if I could trust him.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:05

Maisy she was his MISTRESS, he committed an affair with her which meant the end of his previous marriage. He has no business having her on his Facebook, unless he wants to revive things later on. Sorry I would not allow my husband to have his previous mistress on his Facebook, why should he! His reaction to op telling him to remove her, is quite telling really.

Really sometimes I think, Only on Mumsnet! Its insane.

GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 16:07

Everything aside

Would you want to be friends with the person who you ruined you marriage for if there were no feelings?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:07

Yes, him having his previous mistress on his Facebook, and being angry at me, because I told him to remove her, would totally knock my trust in him, the fact he cheated in the past, he could well do it again. Charles and Camilla spring to mind. She was always in the wings within Charles and Diana marriage. Same with op and this mistress on FAcebook.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:10

Time is nothing, if he is unhappy with op, or they are going through a rough patch, what's to say that he won't seek her out again. He did it once, he could do it again. Any respecting partner, would respect his wife. Would he be happy, if op had her previous fancy bit, on her Facebook, don't think so, double standards there really!

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 16:13

I'm not speculating over why he has her on there but I'm quite happy with the idea a that what went on between them was 10 years ago. If he wanted her, he'd have done it by now.

The central issue though is that it's HIM who has the track record of cheating. Having her/not having her on Facebook isn't going to make a difference in the slightest if he's going to cheat again, whether it is with her or anyone else.

Anyone who thinks that having/not having someone on Facebook is affairs proofing a relationship is daft.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:18

Maisy, and he can still do it, and has the potential to do so, once a cheater always a cheater. With him insisting his fancy piece is on Facebook just in case. If he still has links with her, he has the potential to go back to his previous mistress.

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 16:20

I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater.
But I do think that he'll probably have her number etc so the Facebook thing isn't the issue in this relationship. If she has concerns then she needs to work on that with him.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:22

I agree that he might have other ways of contacting her, thank goodness op saw that she was on his Facebook then. His reaction to her asking him to remove her from it, is quite telling, he seems almost guilty of something, that would set the red flags up for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 16:26

If he has her on Facebook, I would think, what's going on in private between them, that I don't know about! His reaction to me telling him to remove her from his Facebook. I would think that he would put her back on, once my back is turned. It would certainly sow the seeds of doubt for me.

Mittens1969 · 02/08/2017 16:27

I don't think it's appropriate for op's DH to be friends on Facebook with a woman he had an affair with during his first marriage. My question would be, how come he's still in touch with her so many years later?

Even more bizarre is the fact he brought it up again a few weeks later and accused the op of being U. Why is he still thinking about it, if this OW is really of no significance to him?

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 03/08/2017 10:57

Hapaxlegomenon thanks for replying!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/08/2017 11:12

Wouldn't bother me. He's had 10 years to be with her if that's what they wanted so presumably they don't. If they do, not being Facebook friends isn't going to stop them.
Why did you marry him if you don't trust him? You knew he was an adulterer.

LouHotel · 03/08/2017 11:17

So basically he's a reformed cheater who wishes to still be matey with the women he had an affair with?

Its inappropriate and a bit of a red flag.

RhubardGin · 03/08/2017 11:19

But if you can't trust her surely you can't trust him. Neither have great morals obviously.

Why did you marry a cheater?

GinaFordCortina · 03/08/2017 11:25

Obviously it's. It "affair proofing" by asking him to not engage. The whole things is disrespectful to her, what old times are they talking about?

"Remember the time we had sex In Your car so your wife wouldn't find out? Yeah that was fun. Good times."

GinaFordCortina · 03/08/2017 11:26

Obviously it is not affair proofing

GinaFordCortina · 03/08/2017 11:27

Why did you marry him if you don't trust him? You knew he was an adulterer.

Maybe they'd been together a while when she found out? Maybe she loves him? Maybe she did trust him but this made her think twice!

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 03/08/2017 11:54

How can you ever "affair proof" someone?

If he wants to cheat, then he will.
You are barking up the wrong tree.

But, it doesn't need to happen. People change.

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