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Asking DH to remove the woman he had an affair with from fab....aibu?

98 replies

Booboob · 02/08/2017 09:23

DH had an affair whilst married with a young child.... anyway his dw found out, he ended the affair and subsequently his marriage broke down.... zoom forwards 10 years we are now happily married with 2 small children of our own and my 2 step children have a great relationship /family life with us and their mum. Recently I spotted that the woman he had the affair with is friends with him on fb.....
I think this is not acceptable and asked him to remove her for that very reason. He did immediately without any argument but he brought it up last night saying I was unreasonable to have asked him to do so and that he should be allowed to be friends on FB with her.....AIBU?

OP posts:
Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 11:12

It's extremely unfair for people to say that the OP is 'insecure' and controlling and all that bollux. No WAY should the OP's husband be friends with a woman he cheated on his wife with, whether it happened 10 years ago, or 10 months ago!

YANBU OP. I would tell him no way are you happy with this.

Not sure it will make any difference though! Some men tend to do whatever the hell they like, no matter what effect it has on their wife.

tabulahrasa · 02/08/2017 11:24

If being fb friends with someone he had an affair with years before his current relationship is different to being fb friends with any other ex...are you not basically saying he'd cheat in this relationship if there was someone willing to cheat with him?

HorridHenryrule · 02/08/2017 11:28

YANBU he sounds like a sad twat.

HorridHenryrule · 02/08/2017 11:31

If he really wants to be friends with her why not call her and have a chat. Nothing wrong with talking to old friends but just having them there on your FB page as a friend is childish.

Floggingmolly · 02/08/2017 11:31

She's not an old flame; she's someone he destroyed his marriage for. I'd be very concerned that he felt the need to keep in contact still

Kittychatcat · 02/08/2017 11:37

Op, YANBU. I would expect your DH to block her on Facebook and block her number on his phone too but I'm the complete opposite of a 'cool wife'!

NotMyPenguin · 02/08/2017 11:45

There are two issues here.

  1. Your DH is friends with an ex. (I don't think this is weird or terrible)

2. Your DH has form for cheating. It's making you feel insecure about whether he'll do it again. I don't blame you for feeling funny about it.

I think you need to mentally separate out your anxiety about how DH has behaved in the past and deal with this, rather than addressing the fact that he's Facebook friends with an ex. Maybe you both could benefit from some relationship counselling to address what happened in his past and how it is affecting your present?

FWIW I totally get that it must be difficult to have a relationship with somebody knowing they have behaved badly in relationships in the past. However I think it is just as likely to happen with somebody new as with the ex affair partner, and that you would be better off addressing the root of the anxiety you are feeling rather than just the 'symptom' of the FB friendship.
TeamCersei · 02/08/2017 12:04

He may well think of this previous OW as someone who helped him out in the past

'I didn't cheat on my ExW!
OW was merely helping me out^.


TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 02/08/2017 12:10

Your DH is friends with an ex. (I don't think this is weird or terrible)

There's a very big difference between being an ex, and being an exOW.

NotMyPenguin · 02/08/2017 12:19

"There's a very big difference between being an ex, and being an exOW."

Well -- not really in any sense that's relevant to the OP. As long as the relationship is over, in that sense it's just like any other ex.

The big difference is that the OP's partner is an ex-cheater (or hopefully ex). That's why she feels weird about this, and that's what's relevant to her relationship. That's the part she needs to address.

I mean, you could make him take the ex-OW off his Facebook friends list. But if he is the kind of person who cheats, and who still has that inclination, then it's not like there aren't other opportunities.

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/08/2017 12:37


She's an ex.

Very controlling in my opinion. I would go mental if a guy tried to tell me who I could be friends with.

Mama234 · 02/08/2017 12:47

Yanbu there is a big difference between an ex and an ex Ow.
I wonder how he would feel if the tables were turned?

LizB62A · 02/08/2017 12:49

I had a similar thing - my now-ex DP had had a couple of affairs while he was married (Note - I was not either of the OW)

We started going out while he was in the process of getting divorced - we went out for over 7 years yet still his son (in his 20s) had a problem with me. I was told it was because his dad had cheated on his mum (again, not with me!)

Also, he told me about one of the OW - he would describe her as his "friend" (he stressed the word). They would meet up every now and then with a group of friends, take the day off work and get completely plastered. This was an event that I was never invited to even though I knew most of the others there.
He was always fairly reticent to give any information about his time when he wasn't seeing me (due to my family commitments, we ended up only seeing each other on Friday and Saturday nights) and my inability to trust him meant that I ended it in the end.

There are a few reasons why I didn't trust him: my ex-H also cheated on me, I knew that my now-ex DP had cheated on his wife with at least 2 women (1 of which I knew about, he never told me who the other one was), plus his friends commented a few times about him being in "single mode" so who knows what he got up to when he wasn't seeing me.

I think I would definitely have been more trusting if:
a) he hadn't stayed friends with her and hadn't only ever seen her when I wasn't invited
b) he had been more open generally
c) if his friends hadn't commented on his "single mode"

So, fwiw imo, YANBU

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 12:53

Errrr BeepBeep she is not an ex, she was his MISTRESS!!!!! Would you be happy for your partner to be linked to somebody who was his mistress! I don't think you would, he could do it again if the relationship goes through a bad patch.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 12:58

If the relationship were to hit a bad patch, then yes he has his mistress on Facebook, so can easily contact her again for a bit more. Once a cheat, means to me, he has a tendency to do it again. To keep a link between him and his mistress Hmm. His reaction to you asking him not to have her on Facebook, tells you all you need to know about him.

Hapaxlegomenon · 02/08/2017 13:12

YANBU that is so wierd having his ex mistress on facebook so she can see what you're all up to. I'd be Confused even if dh wanted to be friends with ex girlfriends. Why would you?

SteppingOnToes · 02/08/2017 13:17

Ask him why he needs to have her as a friend on FB?

Hapaxlegomenon · 02/08/2017 13:23


Op, YANBU. I would expect your DH to block her on Facebook and block her number on his phone too but I'm the complete opposite of a 'cool wife'!

Hahaha this is also me. I'd also develop a very strong hatred for her. OP you must be fairly chilled out of your husband brought up the matter again with you like he did.

Genghi · 02/08/2017 13:24

I think if you get on with his ex-wife and presumably have no problem with him having her on fb then you shouldn't have a problem with this ex. Presumably he isn't cheating on you with her and their feelings were buried?

Booboob · 02/08/2017 13:37

Thank you wise ladies. I feel reassured I was right and am not going crazy. Appreciate the time you took to respond x

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/08/2017 13:42

if your marriage were to hit a rough patch, which all marriages do at times,
He has a ready-made mistress waiting in the wings.
They've already done all the boring groundwork of getting to know each other, so they could jump right back in where they left off.

Exactly what I was thinking TeamCersei.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 14:44

Gengi this is not an ex partner, but a previous MISTRESS! Who is to say he won't contact her for a bit of comfort later on. His reaction to you asking him to remove her from his Facebook, tells you all you need to know about him and his intentions. No I would not be happy with dh exes on his Facebook either. Its disrespectful, especially if their new partner is not happy with it. A lot of women wound not be.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 14:58

Sometimes, I roll my eyes and say: Only on Mumsnet". Its like a parallel universe, where a woman is accused of being controlling, because she does not want the mistress of her dh in his Facebook. That your strange if your not OK with your partner having his ex's on Facebook.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 02/08/2017 15:08

You know, sometimes people have affairs because their husband/wife is a bad person, and an affair is the exit strategy. People who are in abusive relationships, for instance, are often so ground down they can't think of leaving, and it is only when someone else appears and makes them see that they are likable/lovable/worth more than the shit treatment they are getting at home, that they can pull themselves together enough to ditch the abusive 'official' partner - whether or not the affair continues.
Your H hasn't cheated on you in the 10+ years you have been together. He may well think of this previous OW as someone who helped him out in the past, nothing more sinisster than that.

I agree with this completely.

If the affair was 10 years ago, why do you find her presence on Facebook threatening? They've had plenty of time to rekindle their affair if they so wished. And if they want to rekindle it in the future, she's still only one click away.

I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but I do think it's a bit controlling to be dictating who he's friends with on Facebook. I'd be disappointed in my DH if he asked me to remove people from my FB for such unlogical reasons.

I'd also develop a very strong hatred for her.

Can I ask why? And why not him?

LittleBooInABox · 02/08/2017 15:10

I think your being a bit ott. They had an affair years ago, and I think you should let sleeping dogs lie. Or has he removed all off his exes, and you your exes too.

Because it's exactly the same. You obviously knew about the affair before you married him. Just because he's shagged her once, doesn't mean he will again.

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