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Asking DH to remove the woman he had an affair with from fab....aibu?

98 replies

Booboob · 02/08/2017 09:23

DH had an affair whilst married with a young child.... anyway his dw found out, he ended the affair and subsequently his marriage broke down.... zoom forwards 10 years we are now happily married with 2 small children of our own and my 2 step children have a great relationship /family life with us and their mum. Recently I spotted that the woman he had the affair with is friends with him on fb.....
I think this is not acceptable and asked him to remove her for that very reason. He did immediately without any argument but he brought it up last night saying I was unreasonable to have asked him to do so and that he should be allowed to be friends on FB with her.....AIBU?

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 02/08/2017 09:24

God no, I'd have asked him to remove her too

kaytee87 · 02/08/2017 09:25

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Cowbella · 02/08/2017 09:25

No, definitely not being unreasonable! Even if all is above board I still think it's not acceptable!

kaytee87 · 02/08/2017 09:25

Someone will be along soon though to say you're controlling and he should be allowed to be friends with whoever he wants.

Pengggwn · 02/08/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cowbella · 02/08/2017 09:29

Personally I think an old flame is slightly different to an affair though.

OnionKnight · 02/08/2017 09:31

YANBU, she is not an old flame.

guiltynetter · 02/08/2017 09:31

i find this post confusing. are you the DW and he had an affair while you were together? or are you another relationship afterwards?

Ninjakittysmells · 02/08/2017 09:32

The question is WHY does he want to be friends with her? If you are in all other ways not controlling, then surely saying "darling I just noticed x is on your friends list and I feel a bit weird about it and I don't think I like it" his reaction would be along the lines of, "oh god I never meant to make you feel funny - I'll take her off, don't worry" I mean, I'm paraphrasing but you know what I mean?

caffeinestream · 02/08/2017 09:34

Is there a part of you that's worried he'll do it again?

Bubba1234 · 02/08/2017 09:34

& this is why I think fb just causes problems in relationships!

kaytee87 · 02/08/2017 09:35

pengwn if you can't see the difference, then I'm not sure anyone will be able to explain it to you.

This is a woman who the ops dh had no problem breaking his marriage vows to shag.
Lied to his wife for who knows how long about.
The woman clearly has no problem with shagging ops dh whilst he's married.

I'd say most relationships are based on mutual respect, friendship and love, therefore you could probably remain friends afterwards innocently.

An affair is based on sex, lies, disrespect to everyone involved and is generally grubby. Not a basis for an on going friendship.

Booboob · 02/08/2017 09:36

I am his dw now. The affair was years ago and he cheated on his first wife.
Ninja kittysmells that's exactly how the conversation went but then a few weeks later he brought it up and suggested it was unreasonable of me to have asked him....

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 09:36

He's not unreasonable for having her added. She's an ex from a decade ago.

But if it's making you uncomfortable and he's removed her then fair do. I can see why he brought it up with you as him feeling you're unreasonable though. If he wanted to be with her he has had 10 years to do it.

Areyoufree · 02/08/2017 09:38

YANBU. She's shown she has no respect for his marital status. I trust my husband absolutely, but would still think that this was inappropriate.

notanurse2017 · 02/08/2017 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 02/08/2017 09:46

Are you sure he isn't still in touch with her via another means?

WomblingThree · 02/08/2017 09:54

kaytee87 why was that comment even necessary?

kaytee87 · 02/08/2017 09:57

My comment describing the difference between having an ex partner on fb and someone you had an affair with? Because pp thought it was ok and op was BU because she has old flames on fb.

Laiste · 02/08/2017 09:58

An affair is based on sex, lies, disrespect to everyone involved and is generally grubby. Not a basis for an on going friendship.

Yep. I agree.


Rather than you just having to explain why it's not ok for him to have her as a friend, how about asking him to explain why it IS ok? Or even necessary!

WannaBeDelgadaToFitInToMyPrada · 02/08/2017 09:58

His ex wife probably doesn't care who he's fb friends with now.

Are you worried that he is cavalier about other people's feelings so long as he gets to do as he likes? I don't think you are being unreasonable there if so. If I'd added the man who broke up my first marriage, even if I were in a subsequent marriage I'd still hover over the send / accept friend request button, feeling like it was a bit brazen.

user1497557435 · 02/08/2017 10:00

Send her a friend request yourself - friends close enemies closer...

Laiste · 02/08/2017 10:03

user14 - that's good advice tbh.

Maybe OP should suggest a nice meal out just the three of them. Awkward? It aught to feel awkward.

And if that feels awkward then my logic suggests to me that he shouldn't be being matey with her on fuck face book.

llangennith · 02/08/2017 10:06

10 years ago! You've all moved on since then surely?
You must be very insecure in your relationship with your DH to be unsettled by them being FB friends. It's not like they're real life friends.

Fairenuff · 02/08/2017 10:07

a few weeks later he brought it up and suggested it was unreasonable of me to have asked him....

I expect they are still in contact through private messaging and she has asked him to add her again. He wants to but obviously can't. So he's bringing it up to see if you would be ok about it.

I'd see if I could have a look and check his pms with her.

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