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AIBU?

Asking DH to remove the woman he had an affair with from fab....aibu?

98 replies

Booboob · 02/08/2017 09:23

DH had an affair whilst married with a young child.... anyway his dw found out, he ended the affair and subsequently his marriage broke down.... zoom forwards 10 years we are now happily married with 2 small children of our own and my 2 step children have a great relationship /family life with us and their mum. Recently I spotted that the woman he had the affair with is friends with him on fb.....
I think this is not acceptable and asked him to remove her for that very reason. He did immediately without any argument but he brought it up last night saying I was unreasonable to have asked him to do so and that he should be allowed to be friends on FB with her.....AIBU?

OP posts:

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St01c · 02/08/2017 10:07

Is she an enemy though? She did exactly what the OP's husband did himself. If OP has overlooked what he did while married to another woman, is she really an enemy? Or.......... does it mark a new phase in OP's marriage. Some shift in his thinking? I remember a vile man once said to me that he 'would always have an eye out else where'. His wife thought they were happy.

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headinhands · 02/08/2017 10:09

Op do you think he won't have an affair because he isn't friends with someone he had an affair with on FB? You need to sort out the logic of your thinking.

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Olympiathequeen · 02/08/2017 10:10

I would feel threatened by this ongoing friendship. After all it was strong enough for him to betray his then wife. Strong enough to break his marriage vows, lie, cheat and gererally behave badly. A woman who had exerted such power over him in the past and clearly is still in his present life on fb would worry me. After all she was happy to sleep with him then despite his marriage so it's possible she would,be up for it again if your marriage hit a rough patch. Your DH is unreasonable to not understand that and I would question his comment on your unreasonableness.

You've only to read the relationship page to realise most cheating occurs when the partner is totally unaware so having what you feel is a perfect marriage is no guarantee.

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GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 10:10

An affair is based on sex, lies, disrespect to everyone involved and is generally grubby. Not a basis for an on going friends

So he quickly got rid of her (felt guilty?) but hen was sitting there thinking about it and had a go at you for being unreasonable? Hell no. This isn't just an old girlfriend. He's shown he will cheat with her. There's no way he doesn't get that.

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headinhands · 02/08/2017 10:10

YANBU. She's shown she has no respect for his marital status.

And so has the DH. So op should get a divorce ASAP?

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MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 10:12

She did exactly what the OP's husband did himself. If OP has overlooked what he did while married to another woman, is she really an enemy?
That's my thoughts.
If OP can get past what her husband did in the past then she should get past the other woman. If he wanted to be with the other woman he's had 10 years.

I never understand the mindset that somehow the husbands can be forgiven/ trusted but the other women / innocent female friends must be some kind of sly temptress who get in the heads of otherwise perfect men.

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/08/2017 10:14

An affair is based on sex, lies, disrespect to everyone involved and is generally grubby. Not a basis for an on going friendship.

Agreed.

I doubt he'd be so gracious about you having an ex on arsebook OP, even if it was over a decade ago.

YNBU here.

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GinaFordCortina · 02/08/2017 10:16

The op has a family and a marriage to her husband she has to deal with the fact that he is capable of an affair. She loves him. That's not about hating the OW or for example, never being friends with a woman who had been the Ow, it's about thinking it's fucking weird that her DH wants to be friends with this woman when their relationship was the catalyst for his last divorce.

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ChardonnaysPrettySister · 02/08/2017 10:18

How long have they been friend on FB? Why don't you trust her but trust you DH?

Don't we all have exes on FB, Away?

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Kaytey · 02/08/2017 10:20

In my opinion it doesn't matter if you are being unreasonable.
You're his wife now and if it makes you uncomfortable then it's "toodle ooh" to her.
If the situation was reversed I'm sure you would remove any old flames from your FB without question.
Non-issue for me.

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Brahms3rdracket · 02/08/2017 10:20

YANBU, he is unreasonable bringing it back up and should understand why this would make you uncomfortable.

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nachogazpacho · 02/08/2017 10:21

The problem is no one trusts a cheat. You don't trust him or her. Rightly so. But he doesn't want to acknowledge this and you don't want to spell it out. That's why it's so problematic because at the core there is a lack of trust which is fair enough despite it being his previous relationship.

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Inertia · 02/08/2017 10:25

Yanbu to think that this friendship is potentially harmful to your marriage.

You are being a little naive if you think that him removing her from FB will make any difference to the security of your marriage. He'll be in contact with her via other means if he chooses to be, and you know that he's a proven cheat and liar .

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EezerGoode · 02/08/2017 10:31

Definitely he's unreasonable.100%

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JackieMac77 · 02/08/2017 10:36

YANBU. This woman was his partner-in-crime in breaking up your step-children's home.

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ThePinkOcelot · 02/08/2017 10:37

I wouldn't like it either. If he thinks you are unreasonable, then that says it all doesn't it?!
Tbh, I don't think I could trust him. He had an affair on his first wife. What is stopping him with you?!

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AsleepAtMyDesk · 02/08/2017 10:42

You are being a little naive if you think that him removing her from FB will make any difference to the security of your marriage. He'll be in contact with her via other means if he chooses to be, and you know that he's a proven cheat and liar.

^ This.

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Jenny70 · 02/08/2017 10:44

To me it would depend how long they were together.

If he had affair, marriage broke down and he stayed with OW for 5+ years, she became a significant person in his life, regardless of the start. So yes, then keeping in touch might be OK.

If she was OW then he broke it off when found out, tried to make marriage work, it didn't and they never were together since, then she's not a friend who I would want seeing our news/children/events.

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TeamCersei · 02/08/2017 10:51

It's possible she would,be up for it again if your marriage hit a rough patch.

This.

Why does he need to be 'friends' with her?
There's no need.

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Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 10:53

Yes that is entirely reasonable, there is no reason for him to have his old mistress on his Facebook, he should be respectful to that. If he's telling you, that you are unreasonable asking him to remove her, I woukd wonder why he wants to keep a link with her, that if he did that to his ex wife, he coukd quite easily do it again. His upset over it would make me question him and his Fidelity. Llang would you be happy to have your husbands mistress on his Facebook! I don't know anybody who would!

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TeamCersei · 02/08/2017 10:56

And if your marriage were to hit a rough patch, which all marriages do at times,
He has a ready-made mistress waiting in the wings.
They've already done all the boring groundwork of getting to know each other, so they could jump right back in where they left off.

I'm not in any way excusing him. Once a cheat always a cheat.
Before you know it, he will be confiding all his 'problems' to her.

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Louisianna16 · 02/08/2017 10:56

If he still values this woman enough to actually dispute stuff related to her with his current wife, I'd be suspicious.

10 years should have helped him learn some emotional maturity in relationships , especially after a divorce that involved deceit and cheating. When he sees her name, his first thought shouldn't be to be friends, surely?

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Pengggwn · 02/08/2017 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiratePanda · 02/08/2017 11:06

After we divorced my XH and I had remained on good terms, when he met the woman who is now his DW. She immediately made him defriend me on Facebook, and email me to say that he had done so. In a way, I thought it was good that he was doing what his GF was asking without question, given the way he'd treated me, but I still found it incredibly petty. She was damn lucky that we hadn't had children together, otherwise she would have had to put up with being civil to me in person.

I know, completely different situation. The thing about Facebook is that FB "friends" are not the same thing as RL friends, and it really depends on what the friendship means to your DH. If it's simply curiosity about someone he once knew, or a way of keeping in touch with a circle of old friends he doesn't see much, I wouldn't have a problem with it. If it were simply an old GF, rather than the OW to his XW, how would you feel? Surely he's moved on since then?

On the other hand, if you think he still fancies her, or suspect they've been having a lot of contact, then sure.

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ReanimatedSGB · 02/08/2017 11:08

You know, sometimes people have affairs because their husband/wife is a bad person, and an affair is the exit strategy. People who are in abusive relationships, for instance, are often so ground down they can't think of leaving, and it is only when someone else appears and makes them see that they are likable/lovable/worth more than the shit treatment they are getting at home, that they can pull themselves together enough to ditch the abusive 'official' partner - whether or not the affair continues.
Your H hasn't cheated on you in the 10+ years you have been together. He may well think of this previous OW as someone who helped him out in the past, nothing more sinisster than that.

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