To be incandescent, mad, furious and livid about this bossiness?

[Bemusedandpuzzled]

Ok, I'm not really livid. I'm bemused and a bit puzzled. And in need of opinions from more emotionally intelligent Mumsetters than I am about this situation. (It's a MIL one I'm afraid).

So I'm going to give you an example of something trivial that happens maybe 8 to 10 times a day when we visit with MIL. If someone can explain to me why she gets upset and what I can do about it, I would be grateful.

Here's the latest incidence of this peculiar behaviour. DH and I are sitting around the dinner table, talking about our plans for the day after we leave DPIL house and start 5 days of holiday by ourselves. We are two able bodied, relatively sensible people in our late 30s, no kids. We have booked a cottage 3-4 hrs drive from PIL house, taking a scenic route. We are leaving early the next morning.

I say that we plan to visit Garden X on the way. MIL says that Garden X is a massive diversion from our route. I say it's only 5 miles, which is fine. MIL says that we will not have time to see Garden X as it is large. I explain that with a morning start, we will have ample time to spend 3 hours at Garden X, and to get the drive done and still arrive in loads of time. MIL now insists, with raised voice, that it's not possible to do Garden X in the time and that it will be ruined by the rush. She suggests Garden Y instead, which is further away and not of interest. We politely say Garden Y is not a high priority, but we will bear it in mind for future trips. MIL proceeds to download websites and produce brochures for Garden Y, and insist that we go for 10 minutes straight, and is almost yelling at us that Garden X is too large for 3 hours. In the end I have to say, quietly and firmly, "thanks, but we are going to Garden X". MIL then sulks passive-aggressively.

I realise this is ridiculous and trivial and I wouldn't bay an eyelid if it happened once. But it's happening several times a day, over everything from cooking to cleaning to our plans that don't involve PIL. The bossiness is, in every case, an insistence that their advice is followed. We have no record of making mistakes or errors of judgement that would warrant this.

Why is she doing this? What is the emotional logic behind the behaviour? The recommendations are well meaning and often the advice sometimes good, but the insistence that we do exactly as she says borders on direct rudeness. Its not always possible just to smile and nod either, for example, she will insist I eat something I have repeatedly declined. I am pretty good at boundaries, but I find it wearing. How can I get out of the dynamic of being constantly bossed around?

(For the record, we went to Garden X in spite of it all, and 3 hours was ample).

Rigid thought patterns. My mum is a bit like that.

How old is she? My Grandma got more argumentative with age and couldn't see that she was straying into rude territory with some of her suggestions ending up sounding like orders.

MIL can be like this. DH argues with her & gets stressed, I just pretend to listen and say "oh that's nice" and do exactly what we planned to do in the first place.

She's late 60s and I think has always been bossy. Not sure it is age, she is v much in possession of her faculties!

The trouble is, we sometimes have to argue it out, e.g. when she insists fifteen times (not exaggerating) that I eat a bowl of chips that I have politely declined. DH is highly supportive and usually takes this on.

Yep my fil is exactly the same! And always goes on about the traffic even if there isnt any he will make up some.
He is the type of person who can feed a family of 8 on £20 a week
Who if you buy chicken from one store it will be better from another.
Who if one of the children is stood right next to him doing somthing they shouldnt and im in another room he will call me to tell me.
You get the gist! Its really exhausting and its constant 3 times a bloody week.

Your MIL is a bossy old nag and I'm sure she always has been. It's her way or the highway. Next time this happens just leave the room if necessary. Tell her you've already made a decision and that's final. Give her an inch and she'll steam roll right over you.

One thing I've noticed as my parenrs/in laws age is that people becone more themselves. So a rigid person becomes more rigid, a bossy one more bossy, an indecisive one more indecisive.

I wouldn't spend a minute wondering why this is happening, just concentrate on handling it. So in the case of garden x/ garden y say "yes that sounds like a good idea" then do as you'd planned. And share less with her.

Just say oh ok next time. And then do whatever it was you were going to do anyway. It doesn't really matter, she isn't going to be going to the garden with you. Then if she asks about the garden just say you made good time on the journey and decided to save garden y for another trip as it looks lovely. She is trying to be helpful but feeling unvalued because you aren't even listening. Is she a housewife?

X post with barbarian

Does she insist that you use a particular route/road to go somewhere, because you are completely wrong in your desire to use a perfectly good bypass?

As in "No, you don't want to go that way, you need to go past where Woolworths used to be, then up by the hospital and down the old road...etc etc" and then force you to spend the next half an hour looking at maps? FIL does this, and it sends us potty.

He also interrogates us about the way we've just driven to his house (a blow-by-blow account of every turn and roundabout, leaving nothing out) and we shouldn't have come that way, apparently.

How can she insist you eat something that you've already declined ?- she's hardly rugby tackling you to the ground and forcing you. My mum used to be a bit like that - I refused to engage in the conversation at all. "Have some xxxxxxxxxxx", "No, I'm ok thanks", "No but you must, I made it, I know you like it", "Honestly I don't want anymore" then refuse to enter into any further discussion. Sometimes I just left the table/room.

implants - what she does is to insist far beyond the bounds of politeness. She literally said "Have my chips" over 15 times in succession. I couldnt actually eat said chips because I'd just had my wisdom teeth out so I had little choice but to keep declining over and over. It was like a bossier and more peremptory version of Mrs Doyle on Father Ted. In the end, DH snapped at her and she shut up but sulked.

What I am trying to understand here is WHY this behaviour happens. What is at stake? What is the logic? It seems so utterly bonkers.

And HAHAHAHAHA - YES! to the directions. Every time we have to have that conversation with FIL. Who travels everywhere on the white roads on the map, the ones with grass growing up the middle, because it's more scenic. And so it takes about 3 hours to explain for even the simplest journey!!

Also, the garden is just one example. It can happen over anything, from how I cook to how I choose shoes. You can't avoid it by not sharing because there are a million choices you make just in the ordinary course of basic existence that can be made occasions for bossiness!

Can your dh visit on his own? This would drive me bonkers!

Maybe it's to do with still feeling relevant to you both? So if you follow her advice it means you still need her.

I do understand, my df is exactly the same. In the chips example I'd say no, then I really don't want them but if you insist. Eat one or two, leave the rest. There will be grumbling and then you just breeze it off oh I wasn't really hungry.
I have decades of experience with this. It is the only way. People can only push if you give them something to push against.

But just ignore her, you're the one it's annoying and upsetting. Tell her she being rude or just stop the conversation and ask her why she's harping on about a decision you've made or just leave the conversation - by entering into a discussion you are just going round in circles with both of you desperate to have the last word. It's exhausting - I've been there. You're giving her the ammunition to boss you about.

And what Callanetics said is what I was hinting at with the housewife comment, people need to feel needed and important. If she has been a mum, has no career then looking after her children has always been the locus of her world and self worth.

No useful advice I'm afraid, but that sounds ghastly.

She sounds like she feels the need to control everything and that's her way of doing so - my mum is similar and it's incredibly frustrating to be told what to do at every opportunity but I realise that without that control she feels incredibly anxious so we end up agreeing then doing our own thing when we're out the way!

Hi OP this is my mil too. Totally Mrs Doyle but less funny and more bloody uptight. Is she fat and you are not so she wants you to EAT THE BLOODY CHIPS! Literally we have had that. Sadly my husband was too scared of her to rock the boat. We are the only Ones who have produced grandchildren and as the children have got older they just can't stand it either so we just stopped going. She was always right there was only one way to do something her way. Very formal too. We are just so much more laid back 2 of our kids have serious health issues so we just want to enjoy life. Mil phones land line twice a day everyday but we're not here/ don't answer cos they are just nuisance calls but she never leaves a message. I did try a few times to talk to her about it but was totally shut down. You're mil might be more open to be introspective about this but just remember she is the one with the problem!

My MIL is similar. I've known her a long time and she has always been very resourceful and good at damage control, ie great at spotting potential pitfalls in a plan and suggesting alternatives. She's extremely practical and logical, which has (mostly!) been helpful. However, as a PP said, this is getting magnified as she gets older and now what's happening is that she gets panicky and stressed and quite cross if we don't follow her suggestions. The potential pitfalls have become certain catastrophes. She became so het up helping us put up decorations for a party recently it was really odd. Even then her suggestions were great, but she never would have got that stressed about it years ago. It's quite sad when I think about it, but when we're in the same room it's just infuriating!

I don't know how much hope there is OP! Would treating her like a toddler help - you know, asking her advice on a tiny thing you don't really care about so she feels like she's getting some input?!

Is it a control freakery thing? I know a few people who are like this to an admittedly lesser extent. All you can really say is thanks for your input but we're happy doing x on this occasion.

My mil is an uber faffer and also asks constant inane questions. It hurts my brain sometimes. She'll pick up something minding its own business on a table and interrupt any given conversation to start asking "whose is this? Has anyone lost their keys/brush/whatever?"

She interrupted a phone call I was on the other night just to ask what ds was looking at.

Written down it sounds insane. I cannot describe how wearing it is.

Not my PIL but my SIL's PIL (so thankfully rarely see them) are obsessed with the route, blacksax. Was once stuck next to them for the longest lunch in history, where they recounted their entire journey from a place I have never been, to the restaurant that I will likely never visit again, basically in real time. Then there was a general discussion about roadworks in the area, any planned for the future, and Noteable Local Roadworks from History, and then we moved onto a heated debate about the best route back, and when to leave. I was just inwardly screaming 'now! Leave now!' at that point.