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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel constantly depressed about only child?

109 replies

user1494250093 · 01/08/2017 13:49

I love my six-year-old to bits. But it feels like evry second of every day I look at her and think that she's going to be unhappy as an only child. My dad was an only (and deeply unhappy) and I know that I'm projecting his feelings onto my child. However, it's really ripping me up inside. I feel guilty every second.
Me and DP are not 'natural' parents – and having dc nearly ended our relationship (we put way too much pressure on ourselves). How can I learn to live with, or get past, this guilt?

OP posts:

talonofthehawk · 01/08/2017 20:17

I'd prefer if they didn't exist because I don't want any responsibility for them and I resent their short comings- I think Lone children are very lucky

user789653241 · 01/08/2017 20:24

I do sometimes feel guilty that my ds is an only child. But I also think about positive side. We can give him full attention, let him do ex-cur activities he wants, buy expensive gifts for birthdays, etc.

Whatsername17 · 01/08/2017 20:26

If it helps, my 6 year old would happily sell her baby sister on eBay. I'm sure your dad's unhappiness was caused by more than just being an only child.

manglethedangle · 01/08/2017 20:27

I was really unhappy with siblings. Hated the siblings, still don't get on. Chose to have an only child.

Okapoka · 01/08/2017 20:49

DH was very keen we had an only child - his parents managed the dynamics of having two children very poorly (played them off against each other - I've seen it in action - and their parents before them did the same. PIL both have a relationship with their siblings but frequently slag them off, an their children, behind their backs) and as a result as a poor relationship with his sister. He really didn't want that for his child and was scared of repeating it.
I was a bit sad about having an only at points, although I do think it was the right thing for us to do as a family (I also come from a complicated family - although I do get on very well with my much older half brother). DD finds it very easy to make friends - used to say that they wanted a sibling but now older doesn't.

In a perfect life I would've liked three or four, had two sets of supportive local family, and plenty of money to ease the way from the baby years onwards. Real life isn't like that though so, as I said, I think one was the sensible choice. The main issue is that I don't think we wouldn've had the parenting skills to do it very well - even with two!
It is pretty common to be an only child these days - all the only children I know are happy and sociable. Seems quite 50:50 whether siblings get on both as children and adults.

PoppyFleur · 01/08/2017 20:56

OP I mean this with kindness but you are being silly and I beg you to cast aside your guilt and not project it onto your daughter.

I have an only child, his life is full and happy, he has no interest in having a sibling and has witnessed the all out war that goes on between some of his friends and their siblings. However, I do completely understand the guilt but I always keep in mind that even if I could have had a second child there would be no guarantee they would get on.

My cousins (brother and sister) love and loathe one another in equal measure. I had to sit them at opposite ends of the venue at my wedding and despite being 38 & 40 years old, they bicker like toddlers. It's highly amusing to family that are aware of the history, deeply frustrating for their respective DP's.

Shared genes do not guarantee that siblings will get on!

Crusoe · 01/08/2017 20:59

I'm an only (loved it), my dh is an only and my DS will be an only child too.
A nice tight happy triangle of 3.

WhatEaglesWear · 01/08/2017 21:09

I think that one child families are becoming the nor now!

I have 2 (2 &4) but they fight all the time! It's exhausting and life is much easier with just the one!

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 01/08/2017 21:15

My dh is an only and hates it.

His parents went through an incredibly acrimonious divorce when he was in his early 20s. He really wished he had a sibling to support him through that. His mum is now in her 80s and quite poorly. He has no one to share the burden with.

On the other hand, I have a sister and we're not particularly close. Plus she lives in Australia so won't be much help when pur parents get elderly/frail. So I don't think I'm any better off than an only child.

Bingeslayer · 01/08/2017 21:20

From a mum of 2,stick to 1

OpheliaHamlet · 02/08/2017 09:31

I'm an only child and consider myself a pretty balanced and happy person. I move around frequently and no problem making and keeping friends. Always had plenty of friends.

Never wished for a sibling. Of the people I know who are only children, only one of them moans about not having a brother or sister (but to be fair he's a miserable sod and always has something to complain about...).

It's definitely more unusual in this culture to only have one - majority of my friends did have siblings. But that doesn't mean it's 'better'.

HorridHenrietta23 · 02/08/2017 09:54

Swings and round abouts though isn't it op?

Pros: loads of attention
Nobody to fight with/wind you up.
Enough money for school trips/holidays/clubs.
You get spoilt on birthdays and Christmas.
Peace and quiet when you need it.

Cons: lonely
Hard later in life(caring for elderly parents etc)
Can be quiet/boring.

Just minimise the cons by going out and about and being relaxed and open about friends coming round. Nobody has a perfect childhood but there's really no need to get upset about this.
(I have an only child too, would have loved another but you make the best of what life gives you!)

crashandburnt · 02/08/2017 11:00

I was an only and very happy. Don't project. Being miserable is more likely to ruin your daughters childhood than lack of siblings.

Piewraith · 02/08/2017 16:29

I love one of my sisters and can't imagine life without her, but the other has a learning disability and growing up with her was horrible. She behaved so badly we couldn't wait to get out of the house when we grew up. I feel sorry for my parents who are stuck with her, although she has changed a lot and improved now she is in her late 20s.

My childhood would have been much better without her.

So siblings don't always work out.

corythatwas · 02/08/2017 16:33

One of the sanest, most well balanced, most open-minded and interested people I know is my nephew who is an only.

imjessie · 02/08/2017 17:28

I'm saddened to read that Pie because my son was born with learning difficulties and I'm worried I've ruined my daughters childhood . It's an awful situation for us parents and although he is mostly a good boy , life can be difficult . It makes me feel wretched although obviously it's not much fault and I couldn't foresee it 😫😫

calli335 · 02/08/2017 17:37

DH and i were both only children and had happy childhoods. Life is much more simple when you compare to all the hassle large families have. We're also set to inherit everything so financially, the future looks good

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2017 17:39

imjessie

That's just one persons experience. Don't dwell on it. You are doing the same as op, who is projecting her fears. Only one person has said they hate being an only and only one person has mentioned disliking having a disabled sibling. I know personalities are different and sometimes circumstances mean siblings find it difficult to get on. But really, I do think loving, caring parents, who think about their children's wellbeing and talk to them about it and treat them as individuals are far more likely to have happy adults, who are close to and love their siblings. I think my dd hates having a disabled mummy. But I know she really loves having me as her mummy. .

talonofthehawk · 02/08/2017 17:45

My brother was a surprise baby when I was 9 and my sister was 13.

He's autistic.
So my sister and I are morally obligated to look after him for the rest of his life after our parents die.
Not our child. Not our choice. Not fair.

Piewraith · 02/08/2017 17:57

Obviously it's not your fault imjessie. You can't feel bad. I don't blame my parents, and I didn't have a bad childhood by any means. I guess it's just that everyone wants their life to be easy, and it's not easy to live in a house with constant screaming, fighting and bad behaviour as I'm sure you know.

Chrisinthemorning · 02/08/2017 18:14

talon
No way are you obligated to provide the actual care, that's unreasonable. I think it would be nice if you visited him etc as a sister would but I'm sure your parents would not expect you to take him in, no one would.

SaintEyning · 02/08/2017 18:18

My DS (7) is an only when he's with me - he has a stepbrother at his dad's. however, he just said to me how glad he is that DSB is not on holiday with us as it means he can play with other children. He's always been awesome at making friends and tries really hard even when not speaking the same language. I have a DB who I never see or speak to, so we each might as well be onlies - I left home when my DB was 11, he was born when I was 7, so we had lots of time alone with our parents and only 11 years of sharing them.

Augustwashout · 02/08/2017 18:22

Op I wish I wish I was an only my siblings are hideous, my worst enemies in life, dreadful awful people

it is what it is....

talonofthehawk · 02/08/2017 18:25

@christ thank you for being so kind.
I am from the gypsy community and the FEAR/OBLIGATION/GUILT is instilled in us strongly.

My parents are 8 years divorced and are trying to get me to arrange my DB's visit to my DM- so they don't have to talk to each other or take any responsibility.
It would have been kinder if neither of us were ever born.
Siblings aren't a happy friend for life. They are often a burden.

poweredbybread · 02/08/2017 18:38

Only children make better friends, they are kinder to their friends and make great parents too

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