...to feel constantly depressed about only child?

[user1494250093]

I love my six-year-old to bits. But it feels like evry second of every day I look at her and think that she's going to be unhappy as an only child. My dad was an only (and deeply unhappy) and I know that I'm projecting his feelings onto my child. However, it's really ripping me up inside. I feel guilty every second.
Me and DP are not 'natural' parents – and having dc nearly ended our relationship (we put way too much pressure on ourselves). How can I learn to live with, or get past, this guilt?

My adult DS is a very happy, friendly only child. I went through similar pangs of guilt but focused on being aware of the pitfalls (selfishness, making friends). BTW he actually turned to me aged 8 or so to say he hoped I wasn't planning any other children as he was happy as he was!

Like the other posters, I know it meant he got more attention growing up, more funds available.

Try not to feel guilty. It's a wasteful emotion. Anyway, if you feel you couldn't manage another child, you're making the best decision for everyone, including yourself, who's as important as anyone.

I'm a happy only child and my DS (4) is (I hope) a happy only child.

My DM has siblings and I think they cause her more grief sometimes than if she didn't have any.

Erm...OP.....in the nicest way....please give your head a wobble.

I have siblings. I hate them. Always have, always will. Haven't seen either of them in 20 years, thank fuck.

DH has siblings, can't stand them either. Hasn't seen them in years.

Dd is an only. She is much loved and couldn't be happier.

Your dd WILL pick up on your negativity and this WILL be damaging for her, so please, calm down, stop projecting, and focus on the good stuff.

I have one brother, 4 years younger than me. I spent my entire childhood wishing I was an only child. Out of my friendship group there are only two siblings - sisters very close in age- who could be described as best buddies. Your daughter will be fine. Now she is 6 any sibling she might have would be too young to indicate a very close relationship so you are worrying about a non existent problem that even if it was real you could not resolve.

Happy only child here too! The only time I ever thought about it was when I had to make up siblings to talk about in my Spanish and French GCSE oral exams - 'je suis une fille unique' wasn't the opportunity for advanced vocab my teacher's wanted.
Like a pp I do find sibling relationships quite difficult to understand - I know some very close families but they still say viscous things to each other sometimes, seems like there's a lot less opportunity for drama when it's just you.

My sister broke some of my fairly important bones by throwing shoes down the stairs so she could arrange them all around the velvet chaise after she had learned about Imelda Marcos at school. My breaks were so severe I was under long term hospital care for months.
You won't have to put up with shit like this if you've got an only.

But also you and DP will have more money and more time for your 6yo you can be a proper team. Hang out with other parents and children at the weekend, enrol them at extra curricular- there's lots of time for growing up with other kids even if you're an only ❤️

But you don't need to suppress anything. Whatever you feel is important and valid

Have you asked your child what they think? Bearing in mind there would now be at least a 7 year age gap, even if you did produce a sibling they would be at very different ages and stages.

However I suspect this isn't the issue. Did you want another, then think it would split you and DH up? Are you still struggling with perfectionism?

I have one sister - we never got on as children or adults, in fact I'm convinced she is an alien We never played together as children and have nothing in common as adults. We both tried to make an effort when my DP were still alive but now we speak once a year at Christmas.

Put away your guilt.

I'm an only child and I had an absolutely wonderful childhood. I'm sorry about your dad's childhood, but his unhappiness has nothing to do with being an only child. I am positive there were other issues at play. Stop projecting his emotions onto how you feel about being a parent.

Thank you for writing this.

My miracle IVF son is likely to be an only and I'm constantly worried for him. And well.... for me a bit. I love him so much, so overwhelming, that I worry it will be too much for him to bear.

Nice to hear so many happy only's! I'm one of four, and we are all very close, so I'm sad he won't have that. If only my siblings would get their act into gear and make a few more cousins!

My dh is an only and he's never complained. My dd is an only. She would really love a sibling and talks about it still and she's 9, especially when I recently explained about the reason women have periods (which I still have).

If your dd really really wanted a sibling, I'm pretty sure you'd know about it already. My dd was born through ivf and the hormones trashed my health. No way could I have had another child and I struggle relentlessly to look after my dd. I give her as many opportunities as possible to play with other children. She is a very outgoing and happy girl. I'm sure she would have preferred to have at least one sibling but we cannot always provide everything for our child. Just go and enjoy your dd. You are far better to focus on what you can do, not what you can't. I struggle to play with my dd because of my health. I assume you are well so olay with your dd, spend time with her. This is the greatest gift and the best path to happiness.

I have one elder brute of a brother. He refuses to believe I am ill and I'm afraid through ignorance and stupidity he may one day hurt me enough to hospitalise me. I am now no contact with him for my safety and as a result my dd will now lose contact with her only cousin.

Like others have said write all your fears down , read it and then put it away.
It is no more natural to have 2 children than it is to have 10.
You aren't a natural parent and maybe this is the root of your problem.
It does sadden me when people feel obliged to have children and I don't mean that as a criticism of you, when really they would be better off remaining childless.

That's good advice. Thank you. I guess that's what I'm doing here, it can feel very shameful, because I know how many other families have it much harder...

Skimmed thread, sorry. Had to jump in.

There is no rule which says This Thing Means You'll Be Happy Forever or This Thing Means You'll Be Unhappy. Our lives are all different with different starts and different paths.

I am an only. My honest opinion - i had lots of social time with mates and then all my toys to myself. So being an only was fine as a kid. As an adult with my mother aging i wish i had siblings to share the load. (my situation is unusual in that both my parents are/were onlys too - so no aunts, uncles, nephews or nieces or cousins on my side at all.)

My X MIL was one of two. All her life she fell out with her sister horribly and all i remember was her bitching about her sister. My current MIL is one of 9. She doesn't speak to most of her siblings and as far as i can work out ALL the care of her late mother fell to her even though they all live within a spit of each other.

I've had 4 children - 3 older ones and now a little one - and their childhoods are miles different to mine. No better, no worse. How will their lives pan out? Who can say.

I would have loved to be an only child.....never got on with my sister....we are so different....as soon as she was born all I became to my parents was a glorified babysitter nothing more than that....even now I feel rejected by my mother....my daughter is an only child and she loved it and has developed into a lovely resourceful woman ....she has loads of good friends and she puts that down to being an only child...she finds it easy to integrate with a huge range of people and she is a very confident woman....so very proud of her

I'm one of eight and we're not in contact. No big falling out or anything, we've nothing in common and just drifted.

My Dad is an only child, he's a happy sociable guy with lots of friends. I am an only and I have one DS. We are both happy and sociable with lots of friends.
Stop worrying

I only began to like my sister in my 40s. Even now I cant spend too long in her company.

My DD will be an only.

The only thing that ever made me unhappy about being an only child was that my mother go on and on about how she'd failed me by not giving me any siblings and how sorry she felt for me. I was very happy with it otherwise.

She's six. Why do you feel she's going to be unhappy if she's perfectly happy now?

Please don't worry. My DD hates my DS- she says he has blighted her life and she would much rather be an only. There is always something to moan about !!

My 15 year old DD recently thanked me for not having more children as she hears so many stories at school of siblings that absolutely detest each other. I'm an only and never wanted siblings. My DH has an elder sister he's always disliked and is now NC. I love making memories with my DD, giving her my total attention and affection. I treasure what I have and am grateful each and every day, particularly given how traumatic her birth was and how we both very nearly didn't survive.

I don't think big age gaps necessarily mean siblings won't get on, I know a few people with 10 years between their sibling and get on great. ( & siblings with just a 2 year gap who don't! )
It's all so individual that no one can really advise you op, some onlies are lonely, some aren't, you either have to accept your situation and be positive about it, or have another child. Your situation is completely different to anyone else's.

I'm an only, and several of my close friends are onlies. None of us are unhappy, nor were we unhappy as children. We all get on really well with our parents, particularly as adults we have incredibly equal relationships, whereas other friends who have several siblings seem to be still stuck in that parent-child/baby of the family/ 'Daddy will fix it' rut. This may not always hold true, but honestly it's as true as all those helpful "lonely only" myths that so many love to perpetuate.

I do find that I am much more choosy about friends than others. I don't accept bad behaviour and just put up with it, and I am generally very happy in my own company. With that goes the fierce independence and occasional anti social tendencies. I socialise when I want to but I certainly don't feel obliged to.
I went on holiday alone once as it was something I desperately wanted to do and none of my friends were that interested. I have friends (multiple siblings) who were utterly horrified at that, and friends (only) who went on to do similar themselves.

I was not spoilt in a material sense as a child, but I was incredibly spoilt for time. My parents always had an abundance of time for me, sharing hobbies and interests, allowing me all the benefits of being an only. I have never, ever, felt in any way deprived by my lack of siblings, other than in a purely academic, speculative "what if" kind of way, the same way that I wonder how I would look with red hair, or whether I would have enjoyed being a teacher or a rally driver.
I genuinely believe that the positives outweigh the negatives, if they actually are negatives; I have often found that it is other people who are more scandalised and judgemental about my lack of siblings than I ever was. My parents were desperate for more children, as they are both from big families, so I think they felt it more than I did. They never let me feel like I was not enough though, and I think that is the very core of how content I was in my own skin as a child and as an adult.

Sorry for the long winded lecture. I have just been aware of being an odd little only child my whole life (in the eyes of others) so I have been well prepared to explain why I'm not, whilst simultaneously confirming their suspicions by refusing to bend to their idea of social pressure.