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Original poster

...to feel constantly depressed about only child?

109 replies

user1494250093 · 01/08/2017 13:49

I love my six-year-old to bits. But it feels like evry second of every day I look at her and think that she's going to be unhappy as an only child. My dad was an only (and deeply unhappy) and I know that I'm projecting his feelings onto my child. However, it's really ripping me up inside. I feel guilty every second.
Me and DP are not 'natural' parents – and having dc nearly ended our relationship (we put way too much pressure on ourselves). How can I learn to live with, or get past, this guilt?

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 01/08/2017 15:11

Honestly, honestly stop obsessing about this. I know three only children, all girls, all wonderful independent and happy. All pretty feisty too and I can't imagine them with siblings.

My situation - 5 year age gap between sister and myself. She hated me with a passion, we have no relationship as adults. I'd have been far happier as an only child.

SpiritedLondon · 01/08/2017 16:46

I have a guilt that nags away at me about my only child ( DD) who is now 5. I met my DH when I was 35 and didn't have her until I was 42 and even when I was pregnant I was not sure I was cut out to be a mother. I think I do an OK job but If I had had another I would have needed to do it quite quickly and I'm not sure how I would have coped. Out of my friends 3 have one child with no plans for another and consider it ideal rather than something to be excused. My aim will be to move closer to my family so DD has a closer relationship with her aunts & uncles and cousins and that these relationships with help her as myself and DH become older and more infirm. I hope that this in conjunction with access to friends, activities and a sizeable inheritance will make up what she may have missed out on with a sibling, but there are no guarantees and if she resents us down the line we will just have to live with that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/08/2017 16:50

Don't angst about this, there are many pro's to being an only
firstly many people hate their siblings
don't put onto her your own issues (easy to say I know)

and when she grows up, and you eventually pass there will be no shit about the will Grin

NannyRed · 01/08/2017 16:57

I would have sold my soul to be an only child. My brother and I fought and argued all the time, I mean seriously ALL the time. It didn't get better with age, worse in fact, I've not spoke to him in decades. Having a sibling doesn't gaurentee that your child will be happier.

NataliaOsipova · 01/08/2017 16:59

I'm an only child who has two children. I can see both sides of the coin (I think!). My DDs get on brilliantly - they really are best pals -and there are times I feel really hard done by that I didn't have that relationship in my life. But then my DH is one of three and wouldn't care if he never saw his siblings again. So, while I think a great sibling relationship beats having been an only child, I'll happily accept that I was much better off as an only than my DH was with two siblings.

Plus - your DD won't know any different! We all know the life we have and the way we had it - there's nothing to say she'll be lonely or unhappy. As with everything in life, there are pros and cons. As an only, pros must include more money, more opportunities, more attention. So focus on those positives and th happy life your DD has, rather than an imagined scenario with a sibling which may not have worked out as you'd hoped in any case. People assume their kids will get on; it's by no means guaranteed and I consider myself very lucky that kind do!

NataliaOsipova · 01/08/2017 16:59

...that mine do - sorry!

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/08/2017 17:02

I'm an only child and relatively well adjusted Wink
Up to the age of 7/8 I would have loved a younger brother or sister.
My mum had a pregnancy scare when I was 11 and I massively freaked out! I remember thinking how weird it would be to have a sibling at that stage.
As an adult, it would be nice to have a sibling, maybe, but only if we got on!
I see some of the problems friends and family have with siblings, especially fall outs regarding parents inheritance and I think thank goodness I won't have deal with all that.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/08/2017 17:03

I'm an only now. I hate it and would give my right arm to have a sibling to be honest.

wrenika · 01/08/2017 17:31

I'm an only child and I love it. My DP has 4 sisters and I don't think he has anything that I don't...apart from more presents to buy! I have never wished for a sibling at all, and I think I am closer to my parents than I would be if I had a sibling.

AloeVeraSeeYaCilla · 01/08/2017 17:37

My dad has 6 other siblings and only talks and gets on with one. Having siblings doesn't necessarily mean love and harmony.

Mulledwine1 · 01/08/2017 17:46

I'm an only child and I have an only child. I don't feel that I have missed out. I think I am fine too, if a bit anti-social like the poster above but I don't think that's anything to do with being an only child - in fact when I was younger I was a lot less happy with my own company so I think it's an age thing.

As for sharing the burden of elderly parents, there's no guarantee that your sibling(s) will be around to help - they may live overseas, be disabled, die young themselves (one of DH's brothers died a decade ago of cancer) or have in-laws who need more help.

Albatross26 · 01/08/2017 17:53

I'm an only child and love it. It's made me resilient and happy with my own company. My parents and I have a great relationship. Your kid will remember the fun experiences you have with them, trust me. I've never met another only who wished for siblings but I've met plenty of people who can't stand their brothers and sisters!

talonofthehawk · 01/08/2017 18:44

I wish neither of my siblings existed.

wordy17 · 01/08/2017 19:30

Talon, I'm with you there, about my siblings.

imjessie · 01/08/2017 19:36

My dd was 6 and an only child . I was worried about her but I had such an awful birth I was scared to do it again. Anyways I did because I wanted her to have a sibling . To cut a long story short it went a bit wrong and my son has sn and is not a sibling for her in the normal sense . Of course we love him to bits but it's not how I planned it . Also 7 years ( by the time you get pregnant and have it ) is a massive gap regardless . By the time the Abby can walk your dd won't want to do what they want to do . I'd stick with one !!

DearMrDilkington · 01/08/2017 19:40

I was an only child and I was perfectly happy.

Midge1978 · 01/08/2017 19:43

It's all in your first sentence- you love her to bits. That already makes her luckier than millions of children in this world who have no parents or parents who don't care. If she has parents who love her, champion her and take an interest in her, she's going to be more than fine. Please don't project all this onto her. She'll find plenty of things to moan at you about over the years, don't give her ideas!

lovelyredwine · 01/08/2017 19:46

I'm an only and never had any desire for a sibling. I got all of my mum and dads attention and just remember having a lovely childhood. Don't fret too much - my dh and I are much better with older children and cope badly with little sleep. Not everyone takes well to the whole newborn and baby thing.

InvisableLobstee · 01/08/2017 19:56

My dd is an only child she is always telling me she would hate to have a sibling.
There's also a theory that only children have a tendency to be successful in life as they are always trying to keep up with their parents at a young age and learn to try hard at things.

Quartz2208 · 01/08/2017 20:03

If you read through the thread what is shows is that for every unhappy only child you have someone who would have rather not had siblings. For every happy only child you get someone who loves their siblings.

truthfully from my only child perspective I get the occasional pang that I dont have a sibling but that is more from looking at the child sibling relationships I see (including my own two) my parents relationships with their siblings is practically non existent, my OH has a good but occasional relationship with his and my FIL has not gone from childhood squabbles with his

MaryShelley1818 · 01/08/2017 20:03

I don't know anyone who was unhappy as an only child.
On the other hand I have a sister I am NC with and would have been much happier as an only. I spent a great deal of my adult life being bullied by her, she is truly vicious and vile. I feel so sorry for my parents as she treats them just as poorly but they are forced to have contact with her to see their grandchildren.
Having a sibling doesn't mean they'll be happy.

Crispmonster1 · 01/08/2017 20:04

I am one of 3 and none of us have anything to do with one another now. I upsets me hugely but is irreversible.
I have many friends who are only children and have only one child. They are outgoing sociable and apparently happy.
It's about upbringing and parenting. Your child will grow up fine as you are so aware. Don't worry.

FodieJoster · 01/08/2017 20:09

Most of the only children I know are very self-reliant, resourceful and creative, and have excellent self esteem. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/08/2017 20:13

I don't know any adults who were only child that didn't like it, they are all now well rounded adults and with good careers as their parents had the time, energy and money for them in childhood. I know plenty that hated having siblings and now no longer speak to them or are just civil at family gatherings etc.

talonofthehawk · 01/08/2017 20:16

I don't dislike my siblings but I resent them.
They resent me.
We resent the responsibility of each other.
We resent the failings of commitment to our parents.

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