Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

559 replies

Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:41

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

OP posts:
whothefudge · 31/07/2017 15:11

It's very rare they do! That's why it makes such good TV.

MistressDeeCee · 31/07/2017 15:12

Yeah I often sit behind my net curtains getting all twitchy about other people's - people who are zero to do with me - family set up. I often wish I could swoop in to monitor coitus, and prevent babymaking. No fucking on a Friday. Then I remind myself that I have a life which isn't wrapped up in having my nose buried in a man and woman's choices regarding children. I breathe deeply and all is well again in my world. I even find things to do that make me feel content. Fancy that

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:15

Suppose someone made a bad decision and had lots of kids due to being In a bad relationship with contraceptive bullying where they weren't allowed to use anything and were bullied into having lots of kids along with sexual abuse and financial abuse and emotional abuse.
Even tho they couldn't afford the kids when they had them.

Suppose they then left that relationship. Ended up in a low paid job claiming tax credits but regretted the decisions and had worked very hard to change things since.

Where would you stand then op?

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 15:18

@mychild maybe read the thread before commenting? As I've already said my argument was only aimed at people who can't afford kids who actively choose to get pregnant again and again. For anyone else who has fallen on hard times, were raped, had a contraceptive mishap, were in abusive relationships etc etc have my full support and I don't judge them one bit.

@mistressdeecee you lucky thing, you! Wouldn't it be splendid if we could all share the same 'let's bury our heads in the sand' outlook

OP posts:
Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:21

At the time of having the kids the person was making bad decisions to have lots of children to build a family and couldn't afford them.

That means they are in your bad books, surely? Since they were having kids they couldn't afford and were making bad decisions

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:23

How do you know if it's just can't afford kids want them anyway or contraceptive coercion, or other forms of bad decision making due to being abused? Or how do you know that the wanting lots of kids isn't a symptom of historic abuse and wanting to build a family?

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 15:23

No because you stated you (or whoever you're referring to) was in an absuive relationship and was being bullied by the partner about contraception. If the partner had been happy to stick a condom on for you to be on the pill then and you both made the conscious decision to have the baby when you knew you couldn't afford it at all then yes I'd find that bizarre behaviour and would question why

OP posts:
Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:25

But disordered thinking about things like having lots of kids can be a symptom of previously being abused in family of origin. How do you know??

gillybeanz · 31/07/2017 15:28

OP, if your thread is about those who can't afford to provide the basics for their children, why go on about providing for uni and their later adult life.
You either believe parents should be able to afford these things and you class them as not being able to provide in the same sense as the basics of life, or they are entirely irrelevant.
You are doing yourself no favours and as somebody who works in this area you show little empathy.
So what about those who haven't fallen on hard times, not abused, raped, contraceptive mishap etc.
What about those less educated than you with fewer opportunities?
It's awful to think somebody in your job are judging those in need as worthy and unworthy.
Off to work now, but please stop judging those worse off than yourself.

KimchiLaLa · 31/07/2017 15:31

OP I agree with you but most won't admit that.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:31

I will never be able to afford to support my children through university. Nor will I be able to support them in their adult life. That doesn't make me a bad parent.

moonpie11 · 31/07/2017 15:31

@dotdotdot3
Just want to say I 100% agree with this. Studies I have read suggest a maximum of 2 children per couple and I don't see this as being unreasonable at all. I think it needs to be spoken about more because I've no doubt that there are plenty of people out there who would have less children if they fully understood the impact that each child has on the earth but many just don't know because it's a taboo subject to raise.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:37

I think you're a realist. It's really simple. Can't afford children? Then don't have them.

Was told I couldn't have any. I could well afford them when me and the Ex were working. Not so much now hes fucked off and left us and just saunters back in when he feels like it. I cant work at the minute due to ill health but every penny I get goes on them. I dont drink or smoke etc.

Is there a returns centre you can just drop children off at when life goes tits up that I dont know about?

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 15:38

@gillybeanz you love to twist things on this thread don't you?! When I was talking about wanting to be able to provide any children I have with things like uni, I never once said that everyone else must do that for their kids too or they are shit parents. My decision to only have 1-2 kids is because things like that are important to me though.
If someone wants to have multiple children then that's fine, but its not ok if the parents can't make ends meet and the children have to do without basic things like 3 meals per day.
As for your judgements on me having no empathy in my job - would it not be more concerning if I wasn't worried about the children I see every week whose parents are planning more children and they are starving and having to use food banks?! I offer as much help as I can to the parents to try and get them out of the mess they are in. Thanks for making me see the light that I'm a terrible person for doing so though. My mistake

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:41

we are not over populated we have an ageing population so need to actually increase birth rates

We really don't. Back in the late 90s and early 00s this may have been true. This is not so now.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:41

How do you know that the person in front of you in work who has prompted this thread isn't a victim of abuse? or making what you perceive as a disordered choice for what is to them a valid reason and you might view as a valid reason if you knew?

You don't is the answer. You don't know that woman in front of you with 6 kids isn't being abused and denied contraception in her relationship.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:42

How do you know those parents weren't victims of abuse in their family of origin?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:42

As for your judgements on me having no empathy in my job

So what are you doing to highlight this then? Seeing as it is your job. Genuine question.

LittleWingSoul · 31/07/2017 15:42

The pool of people who fit your criteria for judgement is getting smaller and smaller, OP, proving your argument doesn't really stand up.

People with MH issues (1 in 4), brown people, accidental pregnancy, coercive pregnancy, sudden financial insecurity...

Clearly your job means you have contact with sectors of society who are poor, in receipt of benefits and have more than one or two children, skewing your opinions on how this country has been 'bought to its knees' (I wouldn't really blame the poor for this, tbh)

Think your line of work has embittered you, which is understandable but a bit sad. Might be time for a change?

zippey · 31/07/2017 15:43

Sounds like something from Nazi Germany. Stop the underclass from breeding, eventually the better richer people will create a better environment to live in.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:45

I don't understand why people have more than 3 or 4 kids. Thinking about the hard work involved makes me feel exhausted and that's just thinking about it

crazykitten same here! Grin

DS is a whirlwind of ten kids wrapped into one. I'm fine with my 2 thanks.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2017 15:48

But YABU because having children is not a rational act but a biological urge

Clearly that's not th case, the op and many others on this thread have proven it's both. In the developed world having a child is a rational choice as well as a biological urge.

I also am bewlildered at why the op keeps having to explain herself over and over and some folks are going on about the outliers, contraceptive fail, abuse, rape, she's clearly stating she's not talking about that.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 31/07/2017 15:49

I just don't know how you know by looking at someone whether they fit the op criteria or not

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:51

I said I'm annoyed at people who have more and more children when they cannot afford to feed the ones they already have. I must have repeated this about 10 times now so far. Would be helpeful if people actually read the majority of the thread before commenting

Oh dear. The very fact you started this thread makes you sound incredibly unprofessional OP. I've worked in similar situations and the confidentiality agreements I had to sign were more watertight than BBCs Dr Who production team. The situations I came across in that job. I have never shared. With people IRL or on MN.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 15:53

But YABU because having children is not a rational act but a biological urge

Is it? I have no biological urge to have a 3rd child.