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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people treat you different if you are fat

312 replies

Mammylamb · 30/07/2017 19:49

I have recently put on a few stone which I need to lose. I don't know if I'm imagining it but I feel that strangers were nicer to me when I was slimmer. It sounds daft, but today at a play park I noticed women looking me up and down and one woman pushed past me (quite rudely) to get into the park. When we went to the swings she couldn't grab her bag quickly enough (really, I wasn't going to steal it.). I know that I'm less attractive when I'm fatter and it makes me look a bit "rough" and (whisper) less middle class. My mums weight also fluctuates and she said she notices a difference in how folk treat her too. Do you think this is right, or are we imagining it?

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 02/08/2017 15:33

Just another vote for of course there is a difference! My weight has gone up an down a lot in my life, and the difference in treatment is astounding,

The first time it happened to me I was still a teen, I had gone on holidays with some friends, I was overweight and was treated appallingly by the boys there (we made fiends with the staff at the resort), they mocked me, teased me, ignored me, used me as the but of their jokes to impress my (slim) friends, the lot! They were really cruel, and I am embarrassed to say I did not speak up, in fact, I was nice to them, trying to ingratiate them so they would leave me alone.

The following year, we went back and I had lost a lot of weight, they were all over me then, and commented quite openly about the change, I must admit to being really quite awful to them, I was appalled by their behaviour and made it obvious, you know what? they still came after me! they did not care how badly I treated them, they still wanted to be my fiends, take me out, buy my drinks, they would chuckle when I was rude to them, and commented how cute that was, etc. I was revolted by the whole experience, but it taught me a lot!

So, no, it's not your attitude... or at least, it's not just your attitude!!

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 19:15

And another point I just realised today, if you were fat and lose weight, fat friends never comment/compliment. I'm sure it's just becasue they maybe feel awkward or something but it is noticeable. Losing weight yourself doesn't mean that you are judging your friends/others if that's what they are thinking, they are still your friends etc

I find this true in friend groups as opposed to individual friendships.
It happens if you do anything that they perceive as changing the group dynamics, e.g.
The "fat one" losing weight
The "single one" in a relationship
The groups "couple" friends splitting up
The "party one" going tee-total
Having babies or not having babies if the rest of the group are having babies
etc

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 19:17

Jez OP your kids could be the most angelic well behaved kids on the planet!

That still does not entitle you to favours from strangers!

TinselTwins · 02/08/2017 19:17

sorry wrong thread

cushioncovers · 02/08/2017 19:47

*It's true. I'm carrying a couple of extra stone at the moment and as a result look a bit less polished. My clothes are still clean etc but I don't look as well turned out because of the extra bumps!!

I think I look a bit of a mess when I catch sight of myself in a window for example.*

Yes this

agelimit · 02/08/2017 20:35

Very true Tinsel about changing group dynamics!

Original poster
Mammylamb · 02/08/2017 21:04

Hi tinsel, I was a bit confused as at the age of two I cannot claim my son is well behaved

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammylamb · 02/08/2017 21:06

Argy. I agree, apart from some medical conditions and drugs most folk are fat as they eat too many calories

OP posts:
BadLad · 03/08/2017 07:02

Interesting thread.

I used to work with an American colleague who was enormous - really he would have made many sumo wrestlers look slim. An absolute shitload of the talk around the office by my Japanese coworkers was about his weight (not in front of him).

agelimit · 03/08/2017 08:32

Ah well I can imagine the difference between American and Japanese weight would certainly be a talking point anywhere!

FatGirlWithChocolate · 03/08/2017 10:25

Despite my name I'm much MUCH slimmer than I used to be. Yesterday was a long day, I was out all day and didn't get a chance to eat properly. Before getting the bus home at around 10pm I decided to get some chips to takeaway, because I was really hungry, which I stood and ate at the bus stop. Not something I would usually do, but needs must. Standing beside me was an extremely slim, classy lady. The waves of disapproval emanating from her because I was standing there eating (and eating chips too!) were not my imagination. It was palpable, and I felt intimidated, and did not enjoy my chips. So, it's not only a crime to not be slim, but to eat if you aren't slim ( how dare you!), and unforgivable if you eat chips. But if you're slim you can do what you like.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 10:31

This is so awful op but guessing you are correct.

Trills · 04/08/2017 10:07

Are you sure she wasn't jealous of your chips?

Mustang27 · 04/08/2017 10:35

Definitely a thing!!

ullavon · 04/08/2017 10:44

I've been very overweight in the past about 235lbs and then slimmed down to a normal size now and yes people do treat you differently, not everyone of course but in general yes.
Some of it probably is down to confidence andwhat clothes you wear when I was fat I used to just have about three outfits, I hated to buy clothes and just bought what was cheap and would cover my body. I also made little effort with my appearance. So in shops I'd be overlooked and in my career too but I was pretty much actively hiding.

Of course the biggest difference is how men treat you its very strange to be visible all of a sudden and worthy of interest. I don't especially find it flattering or a confidence boost if anything it just annoys me how shallow humans are. Its weird to to be seen as competition by other women but on the other hand they can be nicer, more welcoming because they are no longer put off by your fatness.

I do support the whole body positivism thing because being fat is like a crime these days. I am happier slim, I am healthier and have more energy but all the negativity I got while fat hindered my weight loss as opposed to spurring me on.

MrFMercury · 04/08/2017 13:21

I'm disabled and walk with sticks and occasionally use a wheelchair. When I weighed more than 8 stone more I did feel either invisible or judged as if I was disabled because I was fat. Now I'm a healthy size people express far more pity, which I neither want nor need but it's definitely noticeable. People help me more in shops (handling money with a stick in each hand is a challenge), drivers stop and let me cross in front of them and don't beep at me to speed up to boot. I was, to quote Lady GaGa born this way, it's not linked to my weight.

Most of my friends have not referenced my weight loss at all but I have had vibes off a couple that they feel by me losing weight I'm somehow judging them. I'm not and in fact I hide the fact I go to the gym and never talk about diet etc because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. And I know they do because another woman in our group lost a similar amount of weight a couple of years ago and talked about nothing else in person and online and the rest of us did feel judged by her. I've tried very hard not to do the same. Besides ideally the only person who should have an opinion or interest in my weight is me surely.

FatGirlWithChocolate · 04/08/2017 13:32

No, she definitely wasn't jealous of my chips. She was appalled that I was eating chips in the first place (first time for a very long time).

aSleepyPrincess · 04/08/2017 13:46

I have lost 5.5 stone over approx 18 months. I don't feel I am treated differently as such but I was always confident enough to 'carry' my weight well Grin

The thing that irritates me more than anything is when people say 'but you always had a pretty face'in a way that makes it sound like it was a shame I was fat!!!

FatGirlWithChocolate · 04/08/2017 14:01

Same as I have lost Princess.

isawahatonce · 04/08/2017 14:15

I do think you're right - I lost quite a lot of weight a few years ago and found my life got so much easier socially. I don't know if this has a connection to looking 'working class' or anything, but there is a noticeable difference in how people treat me now.

ScaramangasThirdNipple · 04/08/2017 14:16

YANBU.

Losing a lot weight is like removing an invisibility cloak.

Aridane · 04/08/2017 14:27

I did some online 'unconscious bias' courses - and whilst I was smugly congratulating myself in relation to ethnicity, gender etc), I was shocked/ disappointed at my inbuilt bias / prejudice against fAtness

MrsPorth · 04/08/2017 17:17

There is definitely bias against overweight people. There have been threads on here from managers concerned about hiring bigger people due to potential sick leave problems etc, which often result in some other posters agreeing, also stating that they're probably lazy and ill-disciplined generally.

Largeness is seen as inferior. A Premier League footballer proudly posted a pic of himself and his (marginally overweight) fiancée online recently, and posters were shocked that a man who could date a model, would choose a woman of her shape (and cruelly, didn't hesitate to say so).

HelenaDove · 04/08/2017 17:59

Mrs Porth Ive seen similar nasty comments made about Keely Shaye Smith. (Pierce Brosnans wife)

Post weight loss i also get more attention from men. And other women telling me how healthy i look. On MN there seems to be the opposite.

Iike "we have lost sight of whats really obese" or "size 14 is big" threads on here though. Not to me when i was a size 28 it fucking isnt.

And dont get me started on the misogyny regarding weight loss and breasts. Some of us dont lose any of our boobs. I cant bloody make it come off my boobs if IT JUST FUCKING WONT. My back is now a 32 and boobs are a HH. I was a 46G.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 04/08/2017 18:07

Most definately a thing. Esp at work. I've been size 8and size 20. Being thin made me much more popular even though I'm probably more confident now than ever. Treating people differently because of their weight is probably the last socially acceptable ism there is! Anyone's diversity policy at work cover off people who have higher or lower BMi than average???