brazen disrespect from DD11

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

DD has a phone which she got as a birthday present, preparation for high school, so she can ring me if stuck etc or loses her key.

When she got it I password protected the Google Chrome app and put safesearch on the Google Search bar and YouTube as parental controls.

This evening she had her phone in her room and accidentally cast YouTube to the TV we were watching in the lounge. I called her down so I could turn it off and realised that what she was watching was a walk-through video on how to switch off the safe search feature!

I am obviously fuming that a. She would go against my desire to keep her safe and b. Abuse my trust in her.

I have now password protected the app so she cannot use it and told her I am very very disappointed in her, that she is not an adult and as such cannot have free access to whatever she chooses, it is neither safe nor appropriate.

Have any of you experienced similar? How do you control access to inappropriate internet content for your tweens?

All advice gratefully received!

No advice but bumping and watching with interest as this will be me in a few years!

I'd take her phone away for a few days.

My DC have YT accounts and I have them on my google account too so I can check what they are watching and their comments. If they ever come across anything inappropriate they unfollow the YouTuber and we have a chat about it. They are getting older and it will be harder to protect them from seeing things they shouldn't do, I always encourage talking about it and explain why there's age restriction on things.

Sorry, but let the battles commence, both dd's have done this as have most of their friends. We took the decision to remove phones.
It still happens but now I do spot checks of apps and follow them on their accounts. It's an ongoing battle but if I'm honest as long as their spending their time trying to outwit me, they aren't doing worse

She is bound to push boundaries - she's at an age where she feels she ought to be trusted so she's being overly entitled. I'd caution against going in too heavy handed. Just explain how much you love her and want to keep her safe. Why it's important to have this feature on her phone. Maybe show her a little of the recent stories going round about kids who've been groomed.

She's 11. She feels invincible. Good luck with dealing with it. Xxxxx

My dd was hacking parental controls at that age. She's 22 now and doing a degree in cyber security so it all turned out okay in the end.

Ooooh I bet she went white as a sheet. What a way to get caught out.

Honestly, this is totally normal for an 11 year old, and it's actually a positive sign. She's growing older and is starting to assert her independence. She's trying to take control (although in the wrong way, but what kid doesn't try to push or squirm around the boundaries), and she's curious about the world. In other words, she's totally normal, and she is STILL a great kid. Clearly, you need to find a way to punish her appropriately, perhaps taking away her phone for 2 weeks, but I really think you need to be careful how you are handling this. She didn't rob a bank. She isn't smoking weed in her room. She did a very normal almost expected thing for a pre-teen to do. If you freak out on her, I can promise this will affect your relationship. Don't make her afraid to confide in you or come to you when she needs help, and she WILL be afraid to come to you if you are "FUMING" over something relatively minor. Let her know she's bent your trust and she will have to deal with the consequences, but for Pete's sake, keep this in perspective.

My Ds was hacking the schools controls at 12. That's kids today for you.

I totally understand that you feel she has abused your trust. HOWEVER (and it may well be that IABU) I think parental controls and safesearch are excessive for an 11-y-o unless she is particularly vulnerable.

Aquamarine is right here. I totally get wanting safe search and stuff, but she's 11 and she's going to find things anyway. Plus she probably feels pretty put out that her friends likely don't have safe search and parental controls but she does, which isn't necessary wrong, but it'll make her feel like it's completely unfair.

I should say we also talk freely about things so if they ask to go on a site I generally agree within reason

So she put YouTube from her phone in her room on the TV that you were watching in the lounge? How did she do that?

Did you ask her why she wanted to disable the safesearch? Is she worried about starting her period/wants to know about sex? Is she doing homework?

I disagree that it is excessive to have controls on what content she can access. She is 11, the internet has a wealth of materials I don't think are appropriate for her at this age.

I get that boundaries will be pushed and she thinks that she is entitled to do what she wishes but I don't think I have been heavy-handed. I haven't removed her phone, I have removed her access to YouTube. She was obviously trying to get to content that was filtered out - probably for swearing, but I don't protect her from swearing, she hears it in music and in some films eg 12 rated.

I also need to consider her younger siblings and what she shares with them.

I haven't screamed and shouted, but I am not happy that she has abused my trust when we have had open and honest conversation about internet safety etc.

It's a lot harder to protect content on phones than iPad etc too!

It is possible to 'cast' some content from phones to a smart TV. She didn't realise this was possible or that she had done it

My daughter tried to install a non age appropriate ap (social media) onto her phone. The standard punishment is a week without her phone but as she tried to cover it up it's the whole holiday.
If her social life dies they're shit friends anyway.

Phone to be handed in as soon as she gets home, simple. I don't get the idea that giving kids a phone makes them safer, we didn't have phones as children and we survived, we knew what to do in an emergency and we were told how to handle ourselves in order to avoid danger as much as possible. On the contrary I think phones for children make them less safe not more, we are giving them a device that doesn't protect them from the bad in the world but actually brings those things into our homes and offers direct link to our kids in their own bedrooms.

I totally understand that you feel she has abused your trust. HOWEVER (and it may well be that IABU) I think parental controls and safesearch are excessive for an 11-y-o unless she is particularly vulnerable.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Completely. All children are vulnerable when it comes to the Internet.
I know somebody whose very savvy 14 year old has been groomed and repeatedly raped by a 32 year old man who she befriended on a pre-teen chat room. Her mother found out accidentally when she picked up her daughter's phone and found a message.

Whoops, bad start- I can completely agree with your actions, though I'd go a bit further and nab the phone for a time. My DS did the same sort of thing, downloading a banned app and lost his phone for a while and had a more intense than normal random device search by parent schedule.

Also, ( though I am very aware no one adheres to this) she's breaking the law as You tube has an age requirement of 13+.

And, if you have bought her a phone that has a location services setting , turn this off right now especially if you are letting her access social media.. It enables all apps especially social media ones, to pinpoint the location of the poster.

You need to have a talk to her regarding the internet and the forever nature of anything she shares, plus stuff like the content of backgrounds to photos, wearing school uniform when filming clips etc.

You sound very sensible, so you may have already done the above- I'm both paranoid and employed in teaching social media security to parents and kids, so sorry if I'm preaching to the choir. If you want any tips on apps to absolutely avoid no matter what let me know.

"If her social life dies they're shit friends anyway"

Really? How are they supposed to get in touch with her if she hadn't got a phone?

Is it just me that found it hilarious that she accidentally cast that video.

OP I wouldn't call it brazen disrespect, she's just doing what you'd expect anyone her age to do. The first reply had some good ideas on how to respond in a firm but fair way.

I think if your rely on controls of any sort, you are being massively naive. Put them on by all means, but be aware that your DCs will dedicate considerable time and energy to getting round them 'just because'. And think carefully about how you handle transgressions - say she manages to get round your controls next time, sees something she shouldn't, then feels she can't talk to you about it as you'll punish her for seeing it in the first place?

Controls and spot checks have worked for us so far, but I'm not sure attempts to get round this should be couched in such emotive terms. Play the long game, know she'll see something horrendous at some point and think how you'll want her to react in that moment?

In a lot of ways she is a very young 11y.o.

She is mainly interested in watching YouTube videos of people playing online games. She also knows I spot check her phone and that I have access to her accounts as they link to my email.

She does not have access to facebook or similar, not has she expressed interest in it (which I am glad about after Child abuse videos and beheading videos have appeared on my feed before now).

She also cannot download apps without my permission and password.

I like to think I have been sensible but not OTT with her and that she can talk to me about whatever she needs to, I get where she is coming from because I remember being her age and thinking I knew it all too. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes my mum made and be overbearing whilst still keeping her safe and the lines of communication open. She has freedoms such as her own house key and being allowed for the last term to walk home from school and spend a precious bit of time in the house alone which she has really enjoyed. I have been very proud of her and how well she has coped with this, I just feel that we have taken a step back somehow with this more adult relationship I am trying to have with her

We had an internet safety talk by a chap at school. He talked a lot of sense. Ban it he says and they go underground. You don't let her used fb, she does it at a friend's and keeps it secret. Then where's she gonna be when she sees something she feels unhappy with as she's not meant to have it. He advised, keep the channels of communications open. Let her talk to you about what she sees. She can't do that if she's accessing on a friends phone and having to hide it from you.

Basically. He said. Right. His neice, 11, had a right dodgy message through Facebook. Maybe asking for pics etc. What would she do?? who would she feel safe telling? She could tell her parents as her first thought wasn't. Oh no. I'll be in trouble for being on FB. Parents knew. Of course not happy about it but realistic enough to know it's going to happen. They can't stop it. Best be clued up about it and able to help if needs be.

Is it just me that found it hilarious that she accidentally cast that video.

No i think it's hilarious too! What a way to get rumbled!

Sorry OP no advice, my kids aren't this age yet so listening closely for later though.