brazen disrespect from DD11

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

DD has a phone which she got as a birthday present, preparation for high school, so she can ring me if stuck etc or loses her key.

When she got it I password protected the Google Chrome app and put safesearch on the Google Search bar and YouTube as parental controls.

This evening she had her phone in her room and accidentally cast YouTube to the TV we were watching in the lounge. I called her down so I could turn it off and realised that what she was watching was a walk-through video on how to switch off the safe search feature!

I am obviously fuming that a. She would go against my desire to keep her safe and b. Abuse my trust in her.

I have now password protected the app so she cannot use it and told her I am very very disappointed in her, that she is not an adult and as such cannot have free access to whatever she chooses, it is neither safe nor appropriate.

Have any of you experienced similar? How do you control access to inappropriate internet content for your tweens?

All advice gratefully received!

[WannaBeDelgadaToFitInToMyPrada]

You sound like you're on top of things. I feel like I'm too thick to know what they're trying to do.

alicia555 they would die at that age. THE SHAME. My daughter has a better phone than I do, which is ridiculous perhaps but it was a birthday and christmas present

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

You're right to put in place all the measures you have.

I don't think a lot of parents or kids realise that under the terms and conditions children have to be 13+ in order to have accounts with Facebook, YouTube, Snapchat and WhatsApp.

I wouldn't bother saying about "betraying your trust" to her. It's a bit heavy.

[Alicia555]

Get her one of those really basic models you can just call and text off.

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

worriedmum

I was thinking along the same lines, giving her a little bit at a time and relaxing the rules as she gets older

[AwaywiththePixies27]

*like not lime

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

silverstone

Log into the YouTube app with your Google account

Her account is all linked to mine so I can see what she does. I made this clear to her when she got the phone

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

awaywiththepixies27 jacksepticeye was exactly what she was trying to watch and the language is ridiculous! I can live with the odd swear no problem but it seems to be a constant barrage of fucks!

To the poster who asked why I posted in AIBU - posted for traffic. I wanted to know how other people approach these things.

I could take her phone away but I would rather not as she walks home alone from the holiday club and I am not always home. I don't want to remove it on weekends because she goes to her dads and I like her to be able to keep in touch with me.

I think at 11 she needs freedom that she didn't have at, say 9. So she is allowed to do things that her younger siblings are not, however she also needs boundaries because she is still a child.

I need to set these boundaries now at the same time I introduce the freedoms and privileges so we both know the rules and I am consistent in my approach. I have locked YouTube in response to her actions and she will have to earn back the privilege. (YouTube kids is rubbish apparently and she has no interest)

She is a bit of a loner as she isn't part of any of the cliques from school so won't be using friends phones and doesn't care about facebook and snapchat etc. She whatsapps her cousins and her boyfriend (very sweet, not a snogging relationship!)

I like to hear how those of you who are already dealing with these things think because I am not assuming my attitude or approach is right and there is always room for improvement - particularly when it comes to raising kids

[W0rriedMum]

Kids YT (youtube) is a must in my view.

[W0rriedMum]

I have put an app on my phone that means I decide what apps she can access, when, for how long etc.

There is a swear dictionary so that texts with those words get flagged to me.

Do make sure to consider the bundled software, e.g. Hangouts on google.

It seems excessive but given she hasn't even had unlimited access to the internet yet, I am starting out draconian and will relax as she gets older and understands more.

[Smurfy23]

Confiscate the phone for a few days and make it clear why you put those controls in place (and why they're staying there). This is just the beginning of the social media/ phone fun and games so it's a good idea to make sure she knows that there are boundaries and consequences now.

[malificent7]

My 9 year old loves you tube... thatcher joe, zoella, oli white etc. As long as she isnt watching porn or horror stuff its ok think.

[lmer]

@Silverstone67 set up a YouTube account and have it logged into both devices

[AwaywiththePixies27]

It was bloody easy when I was 11. And shock. Horror. It still is!

Not necessarily. I live in a very shit area where assaults and the lime are that common they never make the local paper. My children go to school out of catchment and as such half their friends live bloody ages away and I don't drive. I don't let my 11yo out on her own to go all the way to her friends house as it's dangerous. We've also already planned which route she will be taking and what bus is the safest one to get.

Her only means of communication throughout the holidays is through the phone. Obviously they have meetups which I take her to and leave her there on her own. But some of us don't have the luxury of just letting our kids nip to their friends on their own in safety.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

That safe search is crap. It blocks some of the weirdest stuff and then you can still search fro awful things. It's a very annoying feature.

[JaneEyre70]

I'd have taken the phone off her for a week, as she's showed that she can't be trusted. Then, when giving it her back, I'd have sat down very calmly and explained why I'd installed it and what I was concerned about her seeing. We have a duty to protect our kids, and if you're still concerned, I'd get a non smart phone so she can't access it in the 1st place. 11 is still very young.

[Silverstone67]

Could someone tell me how to link my account with my DD (9))!! So I can see what she's watching on YouTube please x

[lifeinthecountry]

You're seriously overreacting to what is essentially quite a minor issue and very normal for an 11 yr old. Now is the time to start having conversations that will help her to self-manage what she watches (I'm not saying let her do it, but start talking about it). Agree with PP, I'd also caution against being too heavy-handed, as this will shut down communication at a time when you really need to be opening it up more.

Tbh, I'd think that the embarrassment of being caught out in this way would almost be enough punishment in itself. How excrutiating for her.

[KimmySchmidt1]

She is just curious and naive. She probably wants to watch horror film trailers, like every other 11 year old on the planet does.

Sit her down and tell her some of the sickening things you can end up viewing, it will really upset her and make her realised he world is a shit hole she wants to be protected from. It will also show her that you had her best interests at heart.

Then say if she wants to watch a horro film trailer she can tell you and you will watch it with her, no matter how inappropriate and gross it is.

That way you turn it into something you do together laugh about and bond over and you know she isn't scaring the Sh1t out of herself on resenting you.

Simples.

[lelapaletute]

Nothing wrong with either your precautions of your punishments on my view - your child, your choice - but if you are so adamant you have taken the right approach, why are you posting in AIBU? You clearly have no doubt that you have been reasonable?

[DrHorribletookmycherry]

Actually laughing at posters who cannot comprehend how 11 year olds can get in touch with friends without a phone.
It was bloody easy when I was 11. And shock. Horror. It still is!
Landlines, knocking on doors. Meeting at the park or clubs etc.

[Booboobooboo84]

A good way I found was having two phones. A smart phone and a brick. So good sensible behaviour entitled them to the smart phone. Bad behaviour got them the brick. It would text and call but wouldn't take pictures etc. Took a few times but we got there in the end. Open dialogue was the key. When my dfd downloaded snapchat without permission and instantly got herself chatting to some creep she wasn't punished for telling me. That's the key rule. You can break the rules but if I find out it's a punishment. If you come to me and fess up then we can work with that

[llangennith]

I think you're being overprotective and all that will teach your DD is to be deceitful and not tell you things.

There is a separate Kids YouTube app Let her have that.