brazen disrespect from DD11

[LurpakIstheOnlyButter]

DD has a phone which she got as a birthday present, preparation for high school, so she can ring me if stuck etc or loses her key.

When she got it I password protected the Google Chrome app and put safesearch on the Google Search bar and YouTube as parental controls.

This evening she had her phone in her room and accidentally cast YouTube to the TV we were watching in the lounge. I called her down so I could turn it off and realised that what she was watching was a walk-through video on how to switch off the safe search feature!

I am obviously fuming that a. She would go against my desire to keep her safe and b. Abuse my trust in her.

I have now password protected the app so she cannot use it and told her I am very very disappointed in her, that she is not an adult and as such cannot have free access to whatever she chooses, it is neither safe nor appropriate.

Have any of you experienced similar? How do you control access to inappropriate internet content for your tweens?

All advice gratefully received!

[ginflumpsandzebraprint]

She can 'cast' on to Apple TV using airplay or mirroring if it's an iPhone. Not sure about androids though

[Raindancer411]

I had to giggle to myself about this. Everything for kids is so mobile oriented and I never had one at that age. They can either call on a house telephone or knock on the door like we had to...

[Raindancer411]

Opps, new to this... was replying to post about how are friends meant to get in touch with her when she has no mobile...

[Smellbellina]

You can cast with android you just get a chrome cast thingy and plug it in the TV.

I agree with others that the best thing to do is make sure you talk to her and let her know why these controls are in place.

I also have a no phone's upstairs rule.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Phalenopsisgirl

The issue with having the attitude that we didn't have phones and we survived and knew what to do is missing the point a bit I think. We had call boxes on every street corner and could make reverse charge calls or dial 999 pretty quickly from most locations. These days, children need personal mobile phones to do this.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I'd remove phone explaining that it proves she's irresponsible.

The other week my ds (12) asked to watch a film on now tv. As I came into lounge I realised the content (not anything I minded ds seeing) was more than a 12. On asking he said it was a 15.

I was . I said I thought their were parental controls with a password to watch any content considered rated above this.

"There is. I just typed in the pin" was ds reply.

He has autism and is just very matter of fact. I've now changed the pin.

[Branleuse]

All my kids have tried to work out how to bypass net nanny. It's quite funny really

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

Of course you need parental and safety controls on a phone for an 11 year old. You'd be bonkers not to! And the friends thing- of course you can't control their friends' phones and your child will see stuff they shouldn't but as a parent you have to say to your child (which is what an 11 year old is) "I know some of your friends don't have these controls, but they should have. If you ever see/hear anything on your friend's phone that scares you/ upsets you, you can talk to me about it- I won't be mad with you".

My dds didn't have internet phones thank god! They weren't around until they were around 16. But we had other examples like this - I wouldn't allow mine to take alcohol to parties at 15/16 and I always picked them up around 11. Lots of their friends got pissed and stayed over night. I would tell my dds, that I knew they'd have a drink at the parties but they were not to over do it. They never did well apart from dd she'd 16 getting pissed on cider, but we've all done that

You can set boundaries as a parent, BUT know and acknowledge their friends will not have the same boundaries. Keep communication open and let them know you will not come down on them like a ton of bricks, if things go wrong, and your dc will confide in you.

[Alonglongway]

My DDs are 19 and 17 so been a long time at this. Only a week ago DD2 had a weird thing happen where a group chat turned nasty and people started trying to Skype her to have a go at her. She came to use my laptop while she was dealing with it and all these Skype calls kept coming in though she was declining them.

I've always tried to teach my kids to curate and control their social media responsibly. I make the point that it's hard to get unpleasant images out of your head once you've seen them, so taking control is sensible. And then switch things off when you've had enough, use privacy controls etc etc. In this case DD2 had shared her Skype with this group and regrets it. I wasn't impressed but she caught it quickly and I praised her for taking control

I think the important point here is not to push them underground. Your daughter has accidentally blown her cover by casting the video, but I'd try and have an open conversation about why the controls are helpful, and keep that going as she grows older and your thinking changes. There is a horrible stage around 14 where the online conversations are obnoxious - mine both managed to avoid getting too involved in that and I did feel I'd managed to teach them to set high standards for themselves

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

teach them to set high standards for themselves

^^ Hear hear!!

[AwaywiththePixies27]

She is bound to push boundaries - she's at an age where she feels she ought to be trusted so she's being overly entitled. I'd caution against going in too heavy handed.

^This!! .

DD did something recently and i punished her for it. I still feel really bad and that I went a bit too far re the discipline (not hitting or anything dont worry) .

Phone off her for the weekend and a talk about why the safety features are so important.
DD dkssnf have safety features on her phone but I generally find just telling them what they're allowed on and not is enough. I.e DS knows he can't watch jacksepticeye because of the swearing. He knows I'll know if he watches it because the youtube is tied to my google account and i can see everything they're watching / have watched. DD generally sticks to this rule too.

Firm but fair OP. Firm but fair.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

She's 11, she's vulnerable and miss used the phone after you giving her clear boundaries. I would take it away for a period of time and make it clear that's what will happen if she does it again.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'm trying not to make the same mistakes my mum made and be overbearing

I think you might be failing at this!

If DC really want to access or see unsuitable content they will find a way. You're basically telling your DD that you don't trust her. Asking her to rebel.

None of these filters are 100% reliable anyway. DS at 8 managed to get through a special parental control program we'd bought for the computer (we asked him to try). It took 5 minutes or less.

Why not have a discussion about what sort of things you don't want her to watch and explain why? And not just because I said so! Tell her that you trust her to be sensible and that if she does accidentally come across something that bothers her she can come and talk to you about it. IMO that's what keeping communication channels open looks like. Not potentially sending her 'underground' if she wants to know what her friends are talking about.

[lmer]

Putting lots of rules and restrictions in place doesn't necessarily help with having an open communication but rather create sneakier kids. Rather then blocking YouTube You could check the app for what she's been looking at? The open screen will give you an idea as it shows videos recently played/videos relating to them.

[llangennith]

I think you're being overprotective and all that will teach your DD is to be deceitful and not tell you things.

There is a separate Kids YouTube app Let her have that.

[Booboobooboo84]

A good way I found was having two phones. A smart phone and a brick. So good sensible behaviour entitled them to the smart phone. Bad behaviour got them the brick. It would text and call but wouldn't take pictures etc. Took a few times but we got there in the end. Open dialogue was the key. When my dfd downloaded snapchat without permission and instantly got herself chatting to some creep she wasn't punished for telling me. That's the key rule. You can break the rules but if I find out it's a punishment. If you come to me and fess up then we can work with that

[DrHorribletookmycherry]

Actually laughing at posters who cannot comprehend how 11 year olds can get in touch with friends without a phone.
It was bloody easy when I was 11. And shock. Horror. It still is!
Landlines, knocking on doors. Meeting at the park or clubs etc.

[lelapaletute]

Nothing wrong with either your precautions of your punishments on my view - your child, your choice - but if you are so adamant you have taken the right approach, why are you posting in AIBU? You clearly have no doubt that you have been reasonable?

[KimmySchmidt1]

She is just curious and naive. She probably wants to watch horror film trailers, like every other 11 year old on the planet does.

Sit her down and tell her some of the sickening things you can end up viewing, it will really upset her and make her realised he world is a shit hole she wants to be protected from. It will also show her that you had her best interests at heart.

Then say if she wants to watch a horro film trailer she can tell you and you will watch it with her, no matter how inappropriate and gross it is.

That way you turn it into something you do together laugh about and bond over and you know she isn't scaring the Sh1t out of herself on resenting you.

Simples.

[lifeinthecountry]

You're seriously overreacting to what is essentially quite a minor issue and very normal for an 11 yr old. Now is the time to start having conversations that will help her to self-manage what she watches (I'm not saying let her do it, but start talking about it). Agree with PP, I'd also caution against being too heavy-handed, as this will shut down communication at a time when you really need to be opening it up more.

Tbh, I'd think that the embarrassment of being caught out in this way would almost be enough punishment in itself. How excrutiating for her.

[Silverstone67]

Could someone tell me how to link my account with my DD (9))!! So I can see what she's watching on YouTube please x

[JaneEyre70]

I'd have taken the phone off her for a week, as she's showed that she can't be trusted. Then, when giving it her back, I'd have sat down very calmly and explained why I'd installed it and what I was concerned about her seeing. We have a duty to protect our kids, and if you're still concerned, I'd get a non smart phone so she can't access it in the 1st place. 11 is still very young.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

That safe search is crap. It blocks some of the weirdest stuff and then you can still search fro awful things. It's a very annoying feature.

[AwaywiththePixies27]

It was bloody easy when I was 11. And shock. Horror. It still is!

Not necessarily. I live in a very shit area where assaults and the lime are that common they never make the local paper. My children go to school out of catchment and as such half their friends live bloody ages away and I don't drive. I don't let my 11yo out on her own to go all the way to her friends house as it's dangerous. We've also already planned which route she will be taking and what bus is the safest one to get.

Her only means of communication throughout the holidays is through the phone. Obviously they have meetups which I take her to and leave her there on her own. But some of us don't have the luxury of just letting our kids nip to their friends on their own in safety.