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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask those of you who have adult children at home

38 replies

K1092902 · 27/07/2017 22:44

How much freedom you let them have?

DsD1 was living with us temporaily last months for a couple of weeks. She left to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks and has since come back to stay with us as DSD2 is pregnant and DH hasn't taken it brilliantly to the extent we moved out to my parents for a few days but have since come home.

DsD2 is unemployed due to on going mental health issues. She is 25.

DH has started a blazing row with her tonight as she hasn't been home for 2 days as she has been spending time with friends. She is currently spending a lot of time with another friend with MH issues which I feel is beneficial for her as she has someone to talk to about things me and DH can't help her with.

AIBU to think it isn't unreasonable for an adult to spend a couple of days out the house without feeling like she has to justify herself?

OP posts:
ChasingHighs · 27/07/2017 22:47

What is your DHs issue? Does he think she should come home every night?

user1495025590 · 27/07/2017 22:49

No but she needs to let you know in advance if she isn't going to be home.That is just common decency

isittimetogotobed · 27/07/2017 22:49

Well they are adults so I would expect them to sort them selves out and I wouldn't consider how much or little freedom to allow them as they have total autonomy over where they go and for how long

I would ask them to be respectful about coming home quietly if late and if they were not coming home to let me know so as to not be worried but I think that is about it

cricketballs · 27/07/2017 22:50

Did she let you know she wasn't coming home? DS1 is 22 and has recently returned home after a failed relationship - as he's living under my roof I expect as a basic courtesy to be informed if he's not home for the night as despite his age I still worry

user1495025590 · 27/07/2017 22:50

I not convinced that her friend with mh issues is necessarily going to be a great influence

Glumglowworm · 27/07/2017 22:51

Did she tell you/DH what her plans were? Or just not come home?

I think it's common courtesy to let other adults you live with know if you're not going to be there for a few days. I certainly did even in houseshares

It's not unreasonable for her to stay with friends. But she should let you know so you're not expecting her and worrying when she doesn't arrive.

when I lived at home (moved out aged 21) I would tell my parents if I was going away for a few days, of course. I told them what shifts I was doing at work and if I was going to town or whatever. It wasn't a case of asking permission, just letting them know.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 22:52

I have two

The eldest has complete freedom

The youngest (17) just needs to tell us if he is staying out or not

user1497435493 · 27/07/2017 22:53

An adult child should have all the freedom in the world.

BUT, if she's gonna sod off for days on end, it's common courtesy to let you know. Of COURSE you are going to worry. Why wouldn't you? You never stop being her mother!

My daughter moved away several years ago, and still texts me to let me know she has got back home safely from our house, and from any city she has visited, or late night concerts. She knows I love her and I worry, so she does it out of love and consideration and kindness.

It's incredibly rude to not let you know OP.

Original poster
K1092902 · 27/07/2017 22:53

She does text if she is staying out or she will tell us earlier in the day. For example if she has a drink at a friend's house she will text to stay she doesn't want to drive as she has had a drink so will come home in the morning. It may be late on but even if I pick a text up in the morning when I realise she isn't back I think that is sufficient

DH is annoyed because she isn't at home at night.

I just feel like she has very little privacy as he will go through her car, ask questions about things that are personal to her (surely this is normal for a 25 year old?)

I just feel like DH feels like I don't have a say as I'm stepmum not mum

OP posts:
Original poster
K1092902 · 27/07/2017 22:55

She does stay with this friend a lot so in all honesty I tend not to worry unless it gets to the end of the next day and I still haven't heard from her as I will ring her/She will call me to check in.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 27/07/2017 22:55

My eldest is 24 , he comes and goes as he pleases , but he always lets me know if he's not coming home so that I don't have to worry about him . likewise if I was staying out all night I'd text him and let him know .

corythatwas · 27/07/2017 22:57

I'd expect the same kind of courtesy as I would from any other adult living in the house: let me know if you are going to be there or not, certainly let me know if you are not going to turn up for any meal you would normally eat, let me know if you are likely to return late at night, so I know when you're not a burglar. Other than that, do as you like.

itsbetterthanabox · 27/07/2017 22:57

He goes through her car Hmmwhat's he looking for??
Why does he want her at home? This is strange. Why is he angry?

Poppiesway1 · 27/07/2017 22:58

Has your sh always been a controlling parent? She's 25 and he's going through her things Shock is he unable to accept that she is an adult?
Yes text to say she won't be home etc but to dictate that she shouldn't be out at night...
does he question you about your where abouts op?!

Poppiesway1 · 27/07/2017 22:58

Dh! Not sh..

corythatwas · 27/07/2017 22:58

Just read your update. He sounds grim. And what's with the eldest having to move out because of the way he has taken the other dd's pregnancy- did I get that right? What are his manners like?

lifeinthecountry · 27/07/2017 23:02

Three adult dc and one of dc's girlfriends here. I treat them like the adults they are. I do ask them to let me know if they're coming home particularly late, but only so I don't bolt the doors and shut them out.

To be fair, though, I have one dc with HFA - if he was going out for days at a time I'd want him to keep me updated as to his whereabouts. I imagine your DH is just worried, but its come out in an really unhelpful way.

mehimthem · 27/07/2017 23:03

Our 26 yr DS moved back into home maybe 18-20 mths ago & comes & goes - usually lets us know beforehand, but if it is last minute any food made is put aside for the next hungry person or whenever he is home again to reheat & eat it. No special treatment & as above pps have said, I just want the common courtesy of knowing so I'm not wondering/worrying - I do try & think though that if he wasnt living here I wouldnt know (or need to know) what hes up to. Just like me & my parents once I moved out of home :)
note - I dont especially cook meals for DS but its easier to make our usual size meals & any extra is used for him or DH's lunches etc

lifeinthecountry · 27/07/2017 23:04

Sorry xpost, just read your update.

Your DH is way overstepping.

inkzooka · 27/07/2017 23:04

I'm 23 and in the same position as DsD2 - mental health issues (and physical) which means there's no way it's healthy for me to hold down a job at the minute. I'm going back to uni which is gonna be a stretch, but as for what I "expect" living at home (which sounds very entitled, I'm not sure how else to phrase it)

My own space which isn't intruded on, as I wouldn't intrude on my parent's bedroom
I mean, complete freedom as to what i do - I earn money doing freelance art commissions online and it's not a lot at all but if I want to use my money to go somewhere, it's my choice, even if it's potentially a dumb choice. If it's parent's money given to me for whatever reason obviously, I'm more responsible. I'm lucky that I get a food allowance from them which will continue at uni because my grant doesn't even cover my rent.
But if I am gonna be out somewhere late/home late, tell the other people in the house and be quiet as possible when returning. it isn't my house. I'm lucky to be living there as an adult, I should respect the other people living there, keep everything clean as I'm mentally and physically able to do, try and walk the dog (although due to OCD it's an issue when he poops on a walk we have a weird scoop thing that kind of helps) and also like, keep my mum company.
I definitely wouldn't be happy with my dad going through my car or my bedroom. That's an invasion of privacy.

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 27/07/2017 23:06

When I lived with my parents (as an adult) the rules were: we don't care if you are not coming home, as long as we know. I would always ring, regardless of how late it was (this was in the days before mobile phones!). Common courtesy - they would worry if they were expecting me to be home and I just didn't show up.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 23:07

He goes through her car?!?! Fucking he'll!

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 23:07

Hell *

Crumbs1 · 27/07/2017 23:08

Two home from uni - expect adult behaviour and adult communication if they want to be treated like adults. In reality this means planning in advance and telling us if they want a lift, are missing a meal or are having friends to stay over. They aren't charged but are expected to work part time if not studying. They are expected to help with chores, laundry etc. They are welcome to come and go as they please but with consideration for us and the neighbours. If they're away unexpectedly we would like to know ahead. We generally know where they're going if they are out separate to us and we generally know who they're with from normal conversations.

SistersOfPercy · 27/07/2017 23:08

19 and 24.

All I ask is to know if they are in for evening meals and if they are home to sleep so I can turn off Hall lights etc.
DD can spend all week at her bf's house, doesn't bother me at all. We are four adults that share a home, all we ask is consideration, their lives are their own. He's being very very unreasonable and will push her away.