To ask those of you who have adult children at home

[K1092902]

How much freedom you let them have?

DsD1 was living with us temporaily last months for a couple of weeks. She left to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks and has since come back to stay with us as DSD2 is pregnant and DH hasn't taken it brilliantly to the extent we moved out to my parents for a few days but have since come home.

DsD2 is unemployed due to on going mental health issues. She is 25.

DH has started a blazing row with her tonight as she hasn't been home for 2 days as she has been spending time with friends. She is currently spending a lot of time with another friend with MH issues which I feel is beneficial for her as she has someone to talk to about things me and DH can't help her with.

AIBU to think it isn't unreasonable for an adult to spend a couple of days out the house without feeling like she has to justify herself?

If her mental health is so bad that she can't even have some sort of part time job, why is she having a baby? I'd go mental as her parent too. How selfish of her!

Going through the car is odd though and text just to say, "not dead in ditch but at mate's" should suffice more as a courtesy than anything else.

Is the blazing grow more about the fact she's hanging out with friends instead of doing something productive? Is she paying her way re food/ rent/ council tax etc?

I never lived at home as an adult, but during uni holidays, and holidays now with IL etc I expect only to:

• Tell parents if I'll be out late or miss meals.
• Help out in the house, do my own washing, keep room tidy, tidy up after myself, empty dishwasher, offer to do the food shop.

Otherwise I do what I want. And I expect complete privacy, and get it, at least from ILs.

Ah yes, I remember your last thread about DSD1 and your partner paying for things for when she said not too and him throwing it back in her face I think it was?

He doesn't look too rosey in this thread either

For me, just the same common courtesy of every adult in the house, myself and DP, adult children, visitors, lodgers, let people know if you aren't going to be home, just to stop them worrying. That's it really.

I don't, but when I was at home for summers from university, the same rule pretty much applied to all adults including me. Do what you want, but let people know so they don't worry, and if you want feeding/are bringing other people home for food, be there on time and give plenty of advance notice to the person cooking. No nighttime racket, no one staying the night without warning. I had a few one night stands that didn't, um, manifest themselves until pub chucking out time - a text home that I'd be staying out was fine, and I assume they didn't always see the message until morning.

Adults are adults. Unless they're extremely vulnerable, you can't tell them where to sleep.

Why in god's name did you go back to that controlling, cuntish git?

He is unhinged.

She's twenty-bloody-five, not five.

Get him or you and the girls out of there. DsD2 needs a FAR better atmosphere during her pregnancy & if he's like thus now, wgatbthe actual fuck is he going to be like when the baby arrives?

Then there's little DD, how on earth can you justify staying with him & her growing up thinking this is normal?

...not to mention YOU. YOU deserve more than this.💐

Your parents are great, I bet they're pulling their hair out. It's a shame your Dad didn't call the police last week.

Well, when I lived with my parents as an adult (moved out at 23) I would always tell them if I was planning on being out all night, or text one of them to say I wouldn't be home if my plans changed. Which your DSD seemingly does, so I'm not sure what your DH's problem is. He's annoyed because she isn't home at night? Why? That makes him sound rather controlling. Actually, he goes through her car? That makes him sound very controlling. He is aware that she is an adult, and entitled to her own life and some privacy? If my parents couldn't have coped with that when I lived with them (whilst I was of course considerate, as it sounds like your DSD is), I'd have prefered if they told me so and asked me to move out.

As an aside, I not convinced that her friend with mh issues is necessarily going to be a great influence. Really, user1495025590? Do you know something about this friend that the rest of us don't? Or do you assume that they are 'not a great influence' purely because they have MH problems? Why exactly do MH problems equal being a bad influence?

Your husband is an over-reactive and controlling man. I remember your previous posts. He is clearly expecting DsD1 to be finding herself in a similar predicament as her sister. Yes, she is an adult and going through her things is intolerable. BUT...... a bit of forethought on her side might circumvent that. Don't suppose you've managed to get husband to see a counselor, have you?

We are adults that share a house
Expectations are that you inform if not coming home or going to be away a few days
I like to know who is in for meals
Fair share of chores
Agreed contribution to bills
Privacy and respect

Mine are 19 and 21 and I expect
A phone call to say if won't be home or told in advance if they will be missing for a couple of days.
A fair contribution to household expenses worked out as a percentage of their income.
I provide foodstuff. It is up to them if they cook and eat it. If they want anything different then what I buy then they are free to buy it themselves. If you use the last of something add it to the shopping list.
Keep your personal space clean.
I will wash and dry clothes if they are in the wash basket. You iron it and put it away.
Girlfriends welcome to stay, ons or fuck buddy take it elsewhere.
Respect the home and the other people living here.