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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son on holiday with my partner

113 replies

mamabike · 27/07/2017 14:31

Taking my 3 year old on holiday next year, I've been with my partner for over a year and we have a child together. I've just told my ex that I'll be taking our son on holiday and have been told that I'm majorly BU!
Am I?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 28/07/2017 11:27

I think you need to do 3 things go to CMS.. No reason why he shouldn't support his DS...That is his job and children get more and more expensive.

Secondly separate the issues, Christmas you need a plan for..If he goes to court they do usually alternate Christmas so either come up with an agreement for every Christmas..not just one so it is not a battle every year.

The holiday.. Maybe consider mediation..If not get a court order. it will take the anxiety out of it as he can change his mind at any point.

I agree with others tell him as little as possible .. only communicate when necessary.

You do not have to keep him sweet, ..co parenting is when both parents have the interests of the child at heart..People band the co parenting word around but it takes two parents to co parent not one trying and one not.

Ahickifromkinicki · 28/07/2017 11:33

YANBU, OP.

Sounds like you're well rid of the ex. Why did you leave him?

Mumof56 · 28/07/2017 13:12

You say a lot about missing christmas day, but your plan last year was to spend the time with you dp family, who your son had only known a few months and you were "gutted" when his father showed up and you couldn't do that.

As you son gets older do you think he's going to enjoy packing his Santa toys up and moving house half way through the day?

The more you post the more UR you sound.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 28/07/2017 13:45

Stop bloody telling him everything! Unless he see your ds throughout the week, was there any need to even tell him you're going abroad?

You're unnecessarily inflaming the situation about Christmas, too. Your ex has the legal right to contact. Alternate years sounds fair.

Go and get CMS sorted if he's not paying.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:05

He had known dp family for almost 9 months by Christmas last year. I'm not doing alternate Christmases either and my ex won't agree to that either. If he has him the whole Christmas day this year, he will demand the same next year or at least half the day next year and if I say no will just turn up and force him to come away anyway.
I don't even know why Christmas is important to him anyway, he doesn't buy him presents and can't make food as he doesn't have any facilities to do so. Why should my son miss seeing his first little sister on her first Christmas? If I was to post on here "aibu to not allow my ex to see our son on Christmas day because he is going on holiday" you'd all call me batshit crazy or say am I on glue. So how is it now fair him to do that?
He does see our son through the week. I wouldn't have told him if I knew it was going to be such a bad reaction from him.
Haven't gone down cma as I read somewhere I end up paying them money? And I'm only going to peanuts from them anyway, it wasn't really worth the bother

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:07

I left him because he was abusive, controlling, spent many nights getting drunk, the last straw was being sexually assaulted while asleep and on my period. The relationship was over months before it actually happened.

OP posts:
flowery · 28/07/2017 14:33

So you've been with your new partner a year, you were pregnant and had moved him into your son's home within weeks of starting dating him?

Yes, I can't imagine why your ex has concerns. Hmm

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:34

Excuse me he didn't move in until september!

OP posts:
flowery · 28/07/2017 14:35

Hadn't refreshed and seen your last post when I posted. Your ex sounds like an unpleasant character but it would still be very reasonable for him to have concerns about the situation with your new boyfriend.

flowery · 28/07/2017 14:36

September was 10 months ago, so a few weeks after starting dating.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:38

He has no concerns at all. Just doesn't like it because he is my son's "dad" that's his only argument for everything!
Yes it may seem soon to some people, personally I don't care what people think. This set up is right for my family and I've never been happier. Nor has my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:38

We've been together since March. Not that it's even relevant though is it

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/07/2017 14:40

OP, you ARE going to have to reach an agreement on Christmas

Yes of course he's using it as a stick to beat you with, and the threats over the holiday are nothing more than this too.

Standard is something like Christmas Eve one year, Christmas Day the next or Boxing Day.

OR.. He sees his son for a few hours on Christmas morning to give him his present..

Witsender · 28/07/2017 14:41

Kind of is. March to September isn't long, and to have a baby already is very quick.

flowery · 28/07/2017 14:42

If I were your ex, you racing into moving new men into your son's life and home would absolutely be relevant to how comfortable I was with the holiday situation.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:43

Our agreement is what I've already said, he just now wants to change it so he gets the full day so that I can take my son on holiday.
I've already said he won't even buy a present for our son anyway.
I thought having half the day with me and having half the day with him was fair. And then we alternate what half of the day each year. But I don't believe he will bring our son back now. Next year we can do full christmas days and I can have my Christmas with him on new year or something, but I only think it's fair to carry out what we done last year because I missed out on time last year. Boxing day isn't an option, he will drink to oblivian and won't be able to drive

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:46

Well me and dp will be together over two years by the time the holiday comes around. And as somebody already said, the holiday is the same as him living here and being around my son, just in a different country.
I was pregnant within 3 weeks of meeting my ex. After only splitting up with his friend for 7 weeks. That will give you lot a heart attack Grin yes it's soon. I don't not care for your opinion. He only moved in because I was being sick 20 times a day, struggling to move without throwing up and I needed help

OP posts:
flowery · 28/07/2017 14:52

If you don't care for other people's opinions why are you asking for them?

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 14:54

Because I'm not asking you to question why I had a baby so quickly or met somebody else so quickly.

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/07/2017 14:55

she is asking for opinions on a holiday, not on her relationship flowery

flowery · 28/07/2017 14:58

And as I said, if i were the ex, I would absolutely consider it relevant, therefore it is relevant to my opinion on whether he might have a point about the holiday.

Hopefully more people will be along soon with opinions that agree with you OP.

Voiceforreason · 28/07/2017 14:58

A court will likely award alternate Christmas arrangements on a yearly basis. Also establish every other weekend with his dad and a midweek visit on alternate weeks. He will also get half of school holidays with dc. Whether he pays support for his child or not has no bearing on his contact in the Courts eyes. You would be well advised to seek support from him though. Remember you have far more access to your dc than he does and for your boy's sake try to keep things amicable between you.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 15:01

He would get half school holidays? Really? He wouldn't ever take time off work for that though, I wonder how that would work!
I'm not trying to stop access at all, I just want to be 'allowed' to take my son on holiday with family

OP posts:
bumblebeebuzzing · 28/07/2017 15:02

regardless of how quickly you had your second baby, the fact is she is here and your sons sibling, your ex can refer to her as the other child but it is his sons sibling, and your dps child.

Whether your ex approves or not on your relationship is also irrelevant unless he was seeking custody etc. but he is not, he is only using the information to stop you doing things or to force you into doing what he wants.

I would get contact sorted formally as these things will start coming up more and more and would also go cms, you created your son, he should pay for him as well.

TimetohittheroadJack · 28/07/2017 15:09

I would refuse to be drawn into an argument about Christmas just yet. And when neither the time he asks, just say no. He can then decide to take you to court if he desires.

If he can't be arsed buying a 3 year old a present, or paying maintenance, or staying sober enough to look after his son, why the fuck should the OP let her son go to his house at Christmas. Being a father is about more than DNA. Its about putting yourself out for your son, about being there for him, not trying to spoil his family holidays just to get one up on the OP.