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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son on holiday with my partner

113 replies

mamabike · 27/07/2017 14:31

Taking my 3 year old on holiday next year, I've been with my partner for over a year and we have a child together. I've just told my ex that I'll be taking our son on holiday and have been told that I'm majorly BU!
Am I?

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 27/07/2017 18:01

Nah. If he wants to play like this I'd be thinking about chasing him for maintenance before he starts calling any shots. Dick.

Original poster
mamabike · 27/07/2017 18:35

Mum are you being serious? Why should I not see my own son at Christmas? The fuck

OP posts:
RobotGoat · 27/07/2017 18:46

Mum are you being serious? Why should I not see my own son at Christmas? The fuck

Without knowing the backstory, I don't see why this is an unreasonable suggestion. My parents were divorced and we spent every other Christmas with my dad. Until I met my DH (also a child of divorce, but spent every Christmas with his mum although his dad was there when they were little) I assumed this was what every divorced couple with children did. It's rubbish, but it's also not very nice for him to never see his son at Christmas.

This is all a separate issue from the holiday, though. Of course you should be able to take your whole family on holiday together, and HIBU to try stopping you.

Original poster
mamabike · 27/07/2017 18:51

Well like I said, we had an agreement last year that one of us would get Christmas eve into Christmas morning with him and the other would get Christmas dinner time and the evening. He had the dinner and evening but he showed up earlier than he planned to. So why should I miss out on a whole day of Christmas this year? This year it's my turn to have my son for the dinner and evening. He has his Christmas eve into the morning.
I don't think it's far to give him the whole Christmas day when he won't even get a present from his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabike · 27/07/2017 18:54

It's not a separate issue though, he said he will only allow me to take my son on holiday if I let him have our son for the day on christmas! How is that reasonable? I put blood sweat and tears into raising my boy. I'm the one who pays for EVERYTHING. I'm the one that got him registered at nursery, that takes him every day. Even scraped knee I'm there for, I'm the one that gets the anger from a tantrum, I'm the one who buys him toys. And now I should just hand my son over on a day of the holidays? T

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 27/07/2017 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProudBadMum · 27/07/2017 19:50

Tell him you will go to court and get it set in stone. If he turns up earlier, you leave him outside til it's time.

He's just been a dick for the sake of it

RobotGoat · 27/07/2017 19:51

He's being totally unreasonable with the holiday, that's why I said it was a separate issue. I get that he's trying to link them, but I think you should try to keep discussions about the two issues separate if you can. Your arrangement for Christmas does sound fair to be honest, as you're both getting equal time with DS on the day. I can see why you don't want to change it. It sounds like a court order or some kind of mediation might be best all round, to get all these issues sorted out once and for all. I can't see a court telling you that you can't go on holiday with your son just because your ex doesn't want you to have a new partner, so it might work out better for you to go to court. I don't really know how these things with, though.

RobotGoat · 27/07/2017 19:51

*work, not with

OfficerVanHalen · 27/07/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

llangennith · 27/07/2017 20:04

Stop trying to keep him sweet and stop engaging with him unless it's essential. Keep your contact with your ex to a minimum. Your son is not a bargaining chip.
Your son would be devastated not to go on holiday with you but he won't be too bothered where he spends Christmas.

ChickenBhuna · 27/07/2017 20:13

Stop engaging with him.

You can't argue with stupid.

C0untDucku1a · 27/07/2017 20:17

Op stop being maytr. Go to cms for maintenance. I always wonder if women who dont, just like to complain they are not getting a penny so they can have the moral high ground.

KarmaNoMore · 27/07/2017 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeanAger · 27/07/2017 20:27

he said he will only allow me to take my son on holiday if I let him have our son for the day on christmas

He can say all he wants. If he wants to swing his dick about it I'd tell him to swing it on down to a solicitor and instruct them to engage with yours on contact for the child because I wouldn't be engaging with anyone who threatened me like he has.

kellogssquareofkrispierice · 27/07/2017 20:28

OP

Just take him on holiday, I've done so with my child since he was 3 with no signed permission. I've taken birth certificate showing I'm the mother and that's that.

He won't be able to put a stop on his passport as it needs to be court ordered (I had a thread of kidnap once and tried to) and the PSO attempt will be laughed out of court.

He's being an arse and if I were you I'd tell him if he doesn't like his contact then to take me to court and have it all finalised, that way he can't fuck around with all this.

Don't let him intimidate or threaten you, and I mean what I say about court- it will save soooooo much agg in the long term x

kellogssquareofkrispierice · 27/07/2017 20:29

And I agree about going to the CMA. He needs to financially support his son.

TimetohittheroadJack · 28/07/2017 08:29

Christmas and next summer are so far away, just refuse to talk about either until nearer the time.

I've taken my kids aboard numerous times without my ex, and without his express permission - never been a problem.

It actually grates me that somehow I should have to ask permission like the op I do everything, get my children ready for school everyday, organise childcare, look after them when they are sick, sit for hours doing homework, ferry them to clubs, friends, parties. Their dad sees in for a couple of hours a week (unless he's busy). Like fuck he had the right to have them at Christmas, or suggest I can't go on holiday.

Syc4moreTrees · 28/07/2017 08:38

Regardless of anything else he is still the boys father. I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to spend Christmas with his son. Also, go to CMS if you want money from him, otherwise you can't really pretend to be hard done by when he won't pay.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 09:24

It's not that he wants Christmas with him, he wants the WHOLE day of Christmas with him syc

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 28/07/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 28/07/2017 09:46

I actually HAVE been asked for proof of my relationship to DS, on a number of occasions.

I was also asked in Amsterdam where his father was.

I have a letter signed by my ex (8 years ago, it was my solitary stroke of genius tbh) granting me full permission for any travel to anywhere at any time. I carry it with the passports and his BC.

I agree though, OP, you shouldnt panic. He very likely won't do anything to actually stop you, he WOULD have a PSO laughed out of court and it would not achieve anything.

I think realistically it is time to get things on a more formal footing, so that an agreement is made on how much he should pay, what the holiday arrangements and times are. You need to find out from CMS what you can do to get the maintenance he needs to pay.

He should absolutely NOT have turned up 90mins early. I wonder what time he will release DS this year when it's your turn for dinner.

littlemissangrypants · 28/07/2017 09:54

Let it go to court. The court will hopefully allow the holiday and I don't think they would stop you from ever having your child at Christmas. With people like that it's easier to let them think they have won.
The more you try to fight him , he more he will needle you with demanding shit.
Tell him to have Christmas and then celebrate another day. It's not a big deal with kids that young. I have done that for years as ex won't have the kids unless it's on Christmas Day. He doesn't see the kids the rest of the time. I let him have his way but celebrate a different day.
You really should also put in for maintenance. It doesn't matter if he can't afford it. He should pay something for his child. You shouldn't have to pay for your son all alone.
Your son is so little there will be years of stress ahead. Get to court to hash it all out and then try to get on with life. Your ex won't stop causing trouble but you will have a court order to back up what you can and can't do. Also don't worry if he threatens to go for custody. He only wants to hurt and frighten you and get you u dear control and do what he wants. Getting residence and visitation sorted through court will solve all that too.

Original poster
mamabike · 28/07/2017 10:56

Well I didn't get a full Christmas with my son, I didn't even get a full Christmas morning with him, why should he get a full day?

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/07/2017 11:15

Agree the times and state that neither of you is to be early or late.