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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH won't socialise with my friends without an argument

118 replies

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:18

DH is great in many ways but IMO quite selfish in others and I genuinely don't know if this is something most people would be ok with or not.

We live in DHs home town and met here as I had relocated here from a small town in Wales where I am from for work. My family and closest friends still live in that small town and I miss them a lot. One of them is having a 40th birthday next weekend so it will be 8 couples in total and DH knows them all. They all make a huge effort with him but he bitches and moans about most of them to me which really upsets me as they mean a lot to me. He's told me he won't go to the 40th unless I force him because he doesn't want to spend his weekend travelling there.

Fair enough it's a long ish journey (3 hours each way) but he's known about this for about two months and I've said how much I want him to go. He would never commit either way. It's the "I won't go unless you force me" that pisses me off. There's no point demanding he goes as he will have a face like a slapped arse the whole time but I don't want to go and sit there with all my friends and make excuses for him I want him to be part of the group.

I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal and fine for him to bail on this?

OP posts:

muchomo · 27/07/2017 11:21

If you start a pattern of not attending because your DH doesn't, you will grow distant from your friends and lose them and become more isolated. I think his NHS boot is manipulative a shame he probably knows you won't go and maybe that's what he wants. I don't love all my DH's friends but make an effort as they are long term friends if his and have supported him for years.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/07/2017 11:23

"he will go and act like he's doing me the world's biggest favour"

This is not acceptable. He's behaving like a sulky 12 year old.

muchomo · 27/07/2017 11:27

NHS BOOT sorry autocorrect to the point not sure what I meant to say

Zephyr01 · 27/07/2017 11:27

My wife is from Wales and I suspect we are a similar area to where you are now.

When I met her I realised that she would want to go back to Wales often. Why wouldn't she? It's her home country. I'm also her husband so it's only reasonable that I go with her. Although it's a three hour drive, it's hardly arduous sitting on the M4.

I've always found everyone I've met in Wales great fun although I've had some really bad hangovers there! Just avoid the place after when England have been stuffed at the rugby!

He needs to realise how important it is to you. If he loves you he should entirely support you at times like this.

MumsOnCrack · 27/07/2017 11:29

I'd clearly tell him all the things he does and that they ruin these weekends for you, and that you'd actually rather go on your own. Then go.

When you come back tell him what a great time you had but no specific details about people as you know he'll just slag them off. Don't make this ok. Reflect back at him exactly who he is and how he's behaving.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/07/2017 11:33

I think posters are being harsh on the dh. Labelled as abusive because he doesn't want to socialise with your friends even though he has never prevented you from doing so!

Fishface77 · 27/07/2017 11:37

Apologies op read what I wanted to read!
So you didn't move for him.
If you had the choice, would you move home?
WHat are his redeeming features?
In which other ways is he selfish?

Still sounds like a cunt to me.

Original poster

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 11:52

He's more lazy and selfish than abusive and controlling- he isn't either of those things. But we go on holiday with his mates and he won't even spend one evening with mine without a fight.

Yes I would move home if I could, but because I was here when we met and both of our jobs are here I can't see it happening. I don't think he would be happy where I'm from.

OP posts:

imamouseduh · 27/07/2017 11:56

I'd go by myself and then make zero effort to socialise with his friends for the foreseeable future. Not the most mature approach but he's being a massive shit.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 11:56

I would hate that party too

Just go on your own, you are not joined at the hip

If he wants to sit in his pants for the weekend, let him get on with it

imamouseduh · 27/07/2017 11:58

QuiteLikely5 Didn't you know? Everyone on MN whose husband does something they don't like is being emotionally abused.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/07/2017 12:02

Whether it's abusive or selfish and lazy is semantics. Your husband can't be arsed to do something that would make you happy. It's not good behaviour.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 27/07/2017 12:03

I'm not saying you should do this, but how would he feel if you stopped socialising with his friends?
Does he expect you to or wouldn't he be too bothered?

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/07/2017 12:05

My DH doesn't think much of my friends, and says so. He doesn't care to see them much. I make sure to see them as regularly as I damn well please, without him. Does make me feel effectively single when I go out, though. I resent him for it but damned if I'll beg for his exalted company. Fuck that.

user1495025590 · 27/07/2017 12:08

I think if anyone is controlling, it is the OP expecting him to give up his precious weekend travelling to spend time with people he doesn't like
You give an example of you not going to his friends b'day bash so YABU.
I cannot see the relevance of how long he has known about it.If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't !

waitforitfdear · 27/07/2017 12:20

So the op is controlling because she wants her dh to spend a very rare weekend with her much missed family and friends and he is sulking and sees his family daily and they holiday with his mates???

Catch yourself on user

He's a miserable sod op.

cardibach · 27/07/2017 12:27

Those rail fares sound steep, OP! I live in rural Wales and DDs dad lives around 4 hours' drive away so further then you. Return rail tickets would be about £60 for this weekend using thetrainline.com.
Go on your own, but not just this weekend. Go regularly. Budget and plan it in for once a month.

LittleCandle · 27/07/2017 12:32

XH was an anti-social git. He would spend hours in the pub, but didn't bother to learn/remember people's names and didn't recognise them outwith the pub. He would go to weddings etc, but always got quite rat-arsed. If his family came to visit, I could guarantee that he would be out the door within 20 minutes of them arriving, leaving me to entertain them. Same with my family, except at Christmas, when he would invite everyone to come round during the day and lay on vast amounts of food that nobody ever ate and when generally got chucked out. i almost always went to events solo. At the time, I thought it didn't matter, but I hated that he showed so little willing to go to the odd wedding etc.

sweetbitter · 27/07/2017 12:34

I get it OP. My DP probably wouldn't come to much/any of my friends and family stuff if he had a totally free choice, though he would never mind me going and doing whatever I wanted on my own. It's not controlling, it's just a total lack of interest in socialising. Some members of his family don't interest him that much even, but he knows how to be polite and make the best of it, and even have fun at things he doesn't particularly want to go to! I do think when you're in a relationship the other person owes you occasionally (NOT always) to go to things like weddings, family and friends parties where practically everyone is their with their significant other. And to not sulk about it.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2017 12:46

I'd be a lot more rude about his friends if you feel like it, and opt out of things you don't want to go to. Can you invite friends for a long weekend to come stay with you or you all stay nearby? . Please don't lie to your friends to make excuses for him. 'He can be a right miserable git and he's sitting at home in his pants, I'm so embarrassed really. But I'm so glad to see you lot so let's forget about grumpy bum!!'

ilovegin112 · 27/07/2017 13:02

As usual I wonder what the responses would be the other way around, If a woman wrote her dh was making her go and visit his friends who she didn't like she would be told to stay at home and to tell him to fuck off by himself

Slimthistime · 27/07/2017 13:05

you go on holiday with his mates - why not allocate that money to see your mates instead?

peachgreen · 27/07/2017 13:05

I had an ex like this and it drove me bananas. I ended up essentially single.

I'm sure there's times when DH would rather not socialise with my friends but he always comes along, makes an effort and supports me. Ditto me with his friends. That's what a partnership is. You're not asking him to commit to a weekly night out, you just want him there for this one special occasion. He is definitely BU.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 27/07/2017 13:07

3 hours each way isn't that far - he's being a dick. Go by yourself and have a great time

waitforitfdear · 27/07/2017 13:07

Nope same advice to a woman who saw her friends Ava family daily and was sulking because she couldn't be arsed to go with her dh to visit his friends and family he hardly ever sees and misses.

Miserable cow catch yourself on and suck it up for a weekend to please your dh this once.

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