DH won't socialise with my friends without an argument

[NaymeChaynge]

DH is great in many ways but IMO quite selfish in others and I genuinely don't know if this is something most people would be ok with or not.

We live in DHs home town and met here as I had relocated here from a small town in Wales where I am from for work. My family and closest friends still live in that small town and I miss them a lot. One of them is having a 40th birthday next weekend so it will be 8 couples in total and DH knows them all. They all make a huge effort with him but he bitches and moans about most of them to me which really upsets me as they mean a lot to me. He's told me he won't go to the 40th unless I force him because he doesn't want to spend his weekend travelling there.

Fair enough it's a long ish journey (3 hours each way) but he's known about this for about two months and I've said how much I want him to go. He would never commit either way. It's the "I won't go unless you force me" that pisses me off. There's no point demanding he goes as he will have a face like a slapped arse the whole time but I don't want to go and sit there with all my friends and make excuses for him I want him to be part of the group.

I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal and fine for him to bail on this?

[Sunnyjac]

Very unsupportive of him. He may not like them and if they lived near and you wanted to see them every weekend then that would be unreasonable in your part. However, they're three hours away, it's an occasional thing, and the key thing is it's important to you. We can't expect our partners to always do what we want but we can expect them to put a smile on their face and support us occasionally. He's very unreasonable, does he actually love you? I only ask because part of loving someone is putting yourself out for them sometimes

[WannaBeDelgadaToFitInToMyPrada]

My x was like this. He had a rude name for every single one of my friends. Like yours, he would usually go in the end but the price I paid for it was hours of pleading and reasoning and listening to tear apart the characters of people who were much nicer than he was.

Just go on your own and tell everybody else that he's indisposed and then do a side ways eye roll. I don't think anybody will force you to talk about it but you should feel able to say ''yeh, he just wouldn't come''. That is embarrassing. I remember feeling that embarrassment when I was in that two-by-two mentality where it is perceived as ''weird'' to go anywhere on your own! I find it hard to believe I felt like that now.

[squirreltrap]

I'd not be cancelling the party and would go and have a great time - you want to see your friends right? Friends can be there for life...selfish and rude partners on the other hand can be only a temporary blip.

[NaymeChaynge]

Just to clarify a few things, I didn't move for him we met after I had moved. I am still going to my friend's birthday too, without him. He seems to think it's ok to say he will go if "forced" by me so if I started weeping and wailing I could beg him to go but I have told him I'm not going to do that. That part really makes me angry because it shouldn't need to get to that point. I have asked him to go many times, he knows it's really important to me, he will umm and ahh about it for weeks, I'll be saving face with friends making up excuses for him and he will eventually say "I don't want to go but I will go if you force me."

Who the hell would say: "ok I'm forcing you!" I want him to say; "Great lets go and have a good time together!" I don't want him to be there in a mood.

[elessar]

He sounds like an arse.

My ex was like this. He was essentially selfish and couldn't be bothered to make the effort with any of my friends. It wasn't that he disliked them or couldn't get on well with them, he just wasn't interested in making the effort.

Getting him to agree to do anything that wasn't specifically what he wanted to do was bloody awkward and I'd virtually have to beg him to attend weddings or social events with me. The number of times I had to make excuses for him was so embarrassing, trying to come up with reasons that he wouldn't come to the pub or for dinner with my friends because I couldn't say that he just couldn't be bothered.

Being a couple doesn't mean doing everything together or having to like hanging out with every single one of your partner's friends. But in my view if you love someone you should make the effort to get to know the people that are important to them, and be willing for the sake of your partner to socialise with good grace - particularly at important events!

It is basically just selfish - your husband has decided that his convenience is more important than your happiness, and if that's an ongoing theme then personally for me it would be a deal breaker.

[MargotLovedTom1]

It doesn't sound like he'll change. It's crap because your friends sound lovely. Is he happy to travel with to see your family?

[diddl]

He sounds awful.

He should go for you.

Well he should also be wanting to go out with you.

[BarbarianMum]

If things are otherwise good between you I'd just accept that it's just "his way" and leave him be. If this is just one of a long list of ways in which he prioritises what he wants over what you want - well then that requires some thinking about.

[Gingerandgivingzerofucks]

In future, just tell him you're going, don't ask/beg him to come. What a selfish twat he sounds. I wouldn't be socialising with his bloody family either.

[Frillyhorseyknickers]

The thing is, that isn't an appropriate way for a grown man to behave. I socialise with people I wouldn't necessarily want to, when my DH asks me to, and vice versa. If he can't make a compromise for you, what sort of future are you looking at?

[Namechanger2015]

He does sound awful, very selfish for not understanding that you need your friendships too. This would be a deal-breaker for me, as over the long-term he will make it harder and harder for you to see your friends, and yet he will be seeing his all of the time.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

He does sound selfish.
Please don't ask him again. He wants his ego boosted by making you beg and force him to go and he can be in control.
If you stay with him, your friends will soon realise he's an arse as this will happen often.
Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's ruining things for you by not going.

[Shoxfordian]

This would not be acceptable to me. Socialising with your partner's friends is just part of being in a couple. It's not ok for him to act like this. I actually would break up with him over it.

[WannaBeDelgadaToFitInToMyPrada]

As you don't want him there in a mood and who could blame you, rescind the invitation. Go on your own.

My mum has a few friends who always turn up to everything without their husbands and that's just accepted. I am single and I have to turn up on my own or not at all, but I'm not invited to couply stuff. If I were you I would really focus on trying to make a few friends who aren't necessarily single (that bit is irrelevant) but a few social groups that aren't meeting as couples. At the moment you feel the weight of this very heavily because socialising as couples is all you know. Join things and make friends with people who may or may not be a couple. I am still trying to do this now after a decade of being single and I think I should have grasped sooner that this was the way to go, I felt excluded by the couples when it was utterly pointless. I think you will feel better and in a stronger position otherewise as well if you start to try and nurture friendships that aren't couple-centric.

[caffeinestream]

I have to say, I wouldn't want to go to DP's friends 40th either, especially if it meant a 6 hour round trip and presumably a night in a hotel somewhere.

However if it was important to him and he asked me to go, of course I would go, and make the most of a weekend away somewhere. Presumably the meal is one evening, so you still have the day before and after to do something on your own as a couple?

HIBU. Nothing wrong with not being keen on the idea, but making a huge fuss about it and being rude is not really on. Surely marriage is a partnership, which sometimes means supporting your partner and doing what they want, even though it might not be your first choice?

[lborgia]

Would you also be taking the chance with catch up with other friends/family?

Does he like any of them? The idea that they are just one amorphous mass that he doesn't gel with.... sounds to me as if he doesn't actually care whether he tries or not. My closest friends all have other friends that I like, and a some that I really don't understand, same with DH, but you can make the effort every so often surely?

He's very comfortable in his rut/groove/slippers, and isn't interested in making an effort.

What you do with that is up to you of course!

[chocatoo]

My DH often moans about going to things but then has a great time when he's there! I find it really hurtful when he moans before we go and it spoils the evening for me.
A bit tit for tat, but next he's keen for you to accompany him somewhere, I'd make a point out of saying that I wasn't keen to go but was going anyway to support him...let him find out how it feels.

[lanouvelleheloise]

I think there are 2 possible things here:

1. Your friends are nice, but your DH finds them dull. I have the same situation, genders reversed, with DH's old schoolfriends, once of whom is a deeply annoying man-child. I'm afraid that you just have to suck it up sometimes and be unselfish for the sake of your partner's happiness. You do it with as good a grace as you can muster, too, because over the age of 12 there is no excuse for sulking.
   

1. Your friends are passive-aggressive or just outright aggressive and your DH doesn't like this. I think in this case he's within his rights to avoid them, but that doesn't mean you can't go on your own.

[HipsterHunter]

I have to say, I wouldn't want to go to DP's friends 40th either, especially if it meant a 6 hour round trip and presumably a night in a hotel somewhere.

I would - share the driving, have fun together, a nice night in a hotel - there is a lot of the weekend that isn't just the party.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Ffs to the posters saying that he is trying to cut her off from her friends - there is no evidence of that whatsoever, he is fine with her going but just doesn't want to join them. OP, if they are your friends, why is it so difficult for you to go on your own? Just go and have a good time by yourself. Being part of a couple doesn't mean living inside each other's pockets.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Nayme, he is very controlling,
I'm glad you're still going, have a great time !
Being part of a loving couple means compromise.
I also wouldn't fancy going all that way for a party, as I'm a home bird, however, this is a special occasion, and I would be there, for sure.
He won't get any better with time, and yes, men like him, do actually hide upstairs when visitors arrive, very embarrassing, my late uncle was the very same, miserable git. ☹️

[SapphireStrange]

Just go, have a lovely time and let him stew at home. He sounds like a misery.

[BraveBear]

16 people and he doesn't even like one of them. Did you marry Victor Meldrew? Does he have his own friends? If not, he's probably anti social in general and you'll have to think about whether you want to deal with that for the next few decades.

[waitforitfdear]

Go but for me his lack of understanding what's important to me would make me love him less and less.

A happy relationship involves compromises and sacrifices and putting the other partners happiness first.

I have to say Gavin and Stacey but Gav was nice

[RB68]

The reality is we have to do things with partners friends and families which we might not choose to do but are sociable and polite. I loathe weddings and wotnot I find its too much hanging around, I don't drink, usually have DD with us so entertaining her as she knows no one well etc but I know how important these things are to him and usually his mother as well so we accompany them.

Sometimes you have to suck it up and not be selfish.

I wouldn't make any excuses I would tell them he was being an arse at the moment and frankly you would have a better time without him so you left him at home. Mine will come out no problem but generally manages to have work things. I am off to parentals this weekend and he is coming only cos we have a work thing Tues nr them....he would have called off otherwise I think. I am still left organising dog care and begging a bed from family for the night