DH won't socialise with my friends without an argument

[NaymeChaynge]

DH is great in many ways but IMO quite selfish in others and I genuinely don't know if this is something most people would be ok with or not.

We live in DHs home town and met here as I had relocated here from a small town in Wales where I am from for work. My family and closest friends still live in that small town and I miss them a lot. One of them is having a 40th birthday next weekend so it will be 8 couples in total and DH knows them all. They all make a huge effort with him but he bitches and moans about most of them to me which really upsets me as they mean a lot to me. He's told me he won't go to the 40th unless I force him because he doesn't want to spend his weekend travelling there.

Fair enough it's a long ish journey (3 hours each way) but he's known about this for about two months and I've said how much I want him to go. He would never commit either way. It's the "I won't go unless you force me" that pisses me off. There's no point demanding he goes as he will have a face like a slapped arse the whole time but I don't want to go and sit there with all my friends and make excuses for him I want him to be part of the group.

I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal and fine for him to bail on this?

[MaryTheCanary]

Mmmm, I don't think that a husband is morally obliged to show up for his wife's friend's 40th, quite honestly. Go without him.

If we were talking about, say, your cousin's wedding and it is absolutely expected that your husband should show up, then he would be obliged to go and to be polite/pleasant (even if he has to fake it).

[BoneyBackJefferson]

nothing worse than been stuck in a situation with a group of people that you have nothing in common with.

Especially if they are going to talk about 'old times' or places that you have never been to.

[TheNaze73]

I'd go on my own.

[NannyRed]

Seriously, go on your own if you can. It seems he will be miserable if he comes with you, so go alone, have fun and make an excuse for his absence.

[BannedFromNarnia]

I don't think this is abusive but it is extremely mean spirited and it is being a bad partner.

Events like these are important, and couples go to them together. Yes it can be a bit crap spending an evening with people you don't know well, but you suck it up for your partner. Otherwise you look like a dick, you make your partner look like she's married to a dick, and you never actually get to know them so every subsequent event plays out the same way.

I think blowing off a random 'let's just go and see XX weekend' is fine, I do that to my DH and he does that to me, but not for a proper celebration party.

[sweetbitter]

"I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason."

I'm pretty sure this was a typo from OP, and she meant to say "I've told him I won't force him to go, so he's not coming" as it makes much more sense with the rest of her post/s.

[InsightPanel]

SabineUndine

"Why are you so keen to put her in the wrong?"

I'm not keen to, I just think she is.

She said "I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason." which sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I have some friends my DH isn't keen on and I wouldn't force him to go and vice versa. We also have friends we both like and enjoy seeing them together.

I think suggestions he's abusive and calling him an arse, a cunt and others is completely over the top and, as I said, I don't imagine happening if the situation were reversed. He'd be called a man child and probably emotionally manipulative for not respecting her choice not to want to go.

[ohamIreally]

My ex was like this. I used to go everywhere alone so now that we're not together my life hasn't changed that much and I have a great support network. I hear all those people saying he shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to but really the hope would be if you're part of a couple that he should want to. I don't see the point of being married if you can't share each other's lives.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oops - forgot the "better reason" - just the cost of the extra adult plane ticket, that's all!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He sounds like a spoilt selfish arse, tbh.

And I say this because I have a DH who is not dissimilar, although he has a better reason for not coming with.

We live in Australia, all my family and friends are in the UK, most of his are here.

For the last 8 years I have taken my DC back to the UK every year (yes, I'm very lucky to be able to do that) to see family and friends. He has never been back with us until THIS year, and that was only because I was going while Wimbledon was on (he might think he was doing me a favour because I was going back for a big birthday as well but in reality, it was Wimbledon that was the clincher).

Every year I've done the trip, been to see my friends and family and had a great time - this year, with him along, it was actually more of a PITA because of having to put up with his "do we HAVE to go ABC and see XYZ" - so tbh I couldn't care less if he never comes back to the UK again with us. So much easier without him! He spent more time getting pissed with his cousin in the UK than anything else, so not really much of a benefit to him being around.

I'm glad you're going but really try to have a great time without him and be grateful that he's not going to be spoiling it all for you with a hangdog mardy "do I HAVE to" look all the weekend.

[SabineUndine]

InsightPanel the OP isn't emotionally blackmailing her husband though. He's inviting her to do that, to put her in the wrong, but she's not. Why are you so keen to put her in the wrong?

[whiteroseredrose]

I think caffiene hit the nail on the head ages ago. Sometimes we do things to make our partners happy even if it wouldn't be our first choice.

You spend time with his friends regularly. It wouldn't kill him to take a pleasant pill and make the effort once in a while.

You go on holiday with his friends. Maybe next year he goes with them alone and you go and spend a happy fortnight with your friends back home?

[waitingforthewaterwars]

Just go.
I don't like some of my husbands friends, he doesn't like some of mine- it's not the end of the world. I see no need to drag someone to an event they don't wish to go to and will be uncomfortable with. Sure, he's not being graceful about it but you aren't getting the message.
I do not understand why you feel awkward socialising with your friends without your husband.

[InsightPanel]

I think emotionally blackmailing him to spend time with people he doesn't like is poor form.

I think that opinions would be very different if this situation were reversed. I doubt the OP would be called a cunt or abusive.

[Piewraith]

It's a bit mean for him not to go, not that he has to be there every time but this is a special occasion. Go by yourself and indulge yourself a bit - blast your own music on the drive there, stay in a nice hotel, fancy cocktails at dinner, etc.

[Imbeingunreasonable]

As usual I wonder what the responses would be the other way around, If a woman wrote her dh was making her go and visit his friends who she didn't like she would be told to stay at home and to tell him to fuck off by himself

Erm, I think if the woman in this scenario made her husband feel like shit over going to an occasional event, slagged off all dh's mates, sulked, referenced one event that op didn't attend a birthday bash at short notice because of a 12hour shift and having to work the next day, and then said "you'll have to force me to go", I'd say she was being selfish.

Not wanting to go, fine.
Not bothering to make an effort at all and going out of your way to be childish - never ok.

When people post about reverse situations, I wish they'd post about the EXACT same scenario, not just the overall gist of it. This isn't jus about op's dh not making an effort, which is bad enough. It's the way he's being a complete douchebag in the process.

[elessar]

Yes for me it's the exact same regardless if the OP was male or female, not double standards at all. I fully expect of myself to make the effort to get to know my DPs friends and to accompany him on social events - I think that's just part of being a couple.

There's also a distinct difference between disliking particular people and not wishing to spend time with them specifically (because you find them offensive, or have nothing in common with them) - and just blanket refusing to even try to get to know your partner's friends because you can't be bothered, which is just rude and inconsiderate.

OP I suspect you're between a rock and a hard place, if your husband is anything like my ex. I socialised with his friends and family because I wanted to be a part of his world. I could have refused like he did, but all it would have done is led to us leading completely separate lives - which eventually happened anyway. So it's a lose lose situation in lots of ways.

That said, it might be worth trying the same tactics on him - would it bother him if you refused to go on holiday or to socialise with his friends? If it would, then maybe he'd realise how you feel.

[sweetbitter]

All the "imagine if it was the other way round posts just make me think we need to be more sympathetic to people where it's the other way round, not harsher this way round.

[waitforitfdear]

Nope same advice to a woman who saw her friends Ava family daily and was sulking because she couldn't be arsed to go with her dh to visit his friends and family he hardly ever sees and misses.

Miserable cow catch yourself on and suck it up for a weekend to please your dh this once.

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

3 hours each way isn't that far - he's being a dick. Go by yourself and have a great time

[peachgreen]

I had an ex like this and it drove me bananas. I ended up essentially single.

I'm sure there's times when DH would rather not socialise with my friends but he always comes along, makes an effort and supports me. Ditto me with his friends. That's what a partnership is. You're not asking him to commit to a weekly night out, you just want him there for this one special occasion. He is definitely BU.

[Slimthistime]

you go on holiday with his mates - why not allocate that money to see your mates instead?

[ilovegin112]

As usual I wonder what the responses would be the other way around, If a woman wrote her dh was making her go and visit his friends who she didn't like she would be told to stay at home and to tell him to fuck off by himself

[timeisnotaline]

I'd be a lot more rude about his friends if you feel like it, and opt out of things you don't want to go to. Can you invite friends for a long weekend to come stay with you or you all stay nearby? . Please don't lie to your friends to make excuses for him. 'He can be a right miserable git and he's sitting at home in his pants, I'm so embarrassed really. But I'm so glad to see you lot so let's forget about grumpy bum!!'

[sweetbitter]

I get it OP. My DP probably wouldn't come to much/any of my friends and family stuff if he had a totally free choice, though he would never mind me going and doing whatever I wanted on my own. It's not controlling, it's just a total lack of interest in socialising. Some members of his family don't interest him that much even, but he knows how to be polite and make the best of it, and even have fun at things he doesn't particularly want to go to! I do think when you're in a relationship the other person owes you occasionally (NOT always) to go to things like weddings, family and friends parties where practically everyone is their with their significant other. And to not sulk about it.