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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't socialise with my friends without an argument

118 replies

NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 09:18

DH is great in many ways but IMO quite selfish in others and I genuinely don't know if this is something most people would be ok with or not.

We live in DHs home town and met here as I had relocated here from a small town in Wales where I am from for work. My family and closest friends still live in that small town and I miss them a lot. One of them is having a 40th birthday next weekend so it will be 8 couples in total and DH knows them all. They all make a huge effort with him but he bitches and moans about most of them to me which really upsets me as they mean a lot to me. He's told me he won't go to the 40th unless I force him because he doesn't want to spend his weekend travelling there.

Fair enough it's a long ish journey (3 hours each way) but he's known about this for about two months and I've said how much I want him to go. He would never commit either way. It's the "I won't go unless you force me" that pisses me off. There's no point demanding he goes as he will have a face like a slapped arse the whole time but I don't want to go and sit there with all my friends and make excuses for him I want him to be part of the group.

I've told him I won't go so he's not coming and I'll have to make up some reason. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal and fine for him to bail on this?

OP posts:
goingonabearhunt1 · 27/07/2017 10:33

Some ppl find socialising in groups hard, especially if the group all knows each other (which it sounds like in this case?)

Don't know if that's the situation here?

My DP is that way and I only ask him to come to group things with me sometimes but if he really didn't want to I would just go by myself; no point in him being miserable.

He does make the effort sometimes though and visits family with me sometimes so I feel he does his part.

If he's bitching about your friends, that's not on really. He should keep those thoughts to himself. And he shouldn't make you see his friends/family if he won't make the effort with yours!

onceandneveragain · 27/07/2017 10:39

I can understand why he wouldn't want to go, but imho, making the effort for a one-off occasion is a normal thing for people in relationships to do. it's called give and take. I suppose the good thing is that now he's shown his feelings it takes you off the hook whenever he wants you to do something for him that you don't fancy.

Shall we see my parents on the weekend?- I don't want to but I will if you force me.
Will you come to my works do? - God no, only if you force me?
Can we go watch the football for my birthday?- No, not unless you force me, etc.

scottishdiem · 27/07/2017 10:39

DPs social circle and mine dont really over lap so its very rare we are out together as they are very different types of people.

I often go to things I want to and he often goes to things he wants to. Rarely would we go together. I dont consider myself an arse for not wanting to go to some of his things and I dont consider him an arse when he doesnt come to mine. Neither of us is controlling either.

He would never make me beg him to come to something that I am going to but, and I think that this is important, if doesnt want to come I am fine with it. I dont ask again, I make my travel arrangements, make sure he knows that he is looking after the pets and its in the diary.

It really is that simple.

Slimthistime · 27/07/2017 10:47

I would hate to be urged to go along to a partner's stuff. Why don't you just go alone?

you say you aren't sure what others would feel about this. Some people hate separate social lives, others love it. What others feel shouldn't influence you. But i think it's really unfair to hassle anyone into going to anything.

I may be confused but surely if you go alone, he will stay home and be happy with that?

Badcat666 · 27/07/2017 10:49

I don't force my partner to go to my family or friends events and he doesn't force me to his. They are my family and friends, not his and vice versa.

I bloody hate to be made to go visit people I don't really like or don't have anything in common with. I'd have a crap time.

The only time we go as a couple is for main events like close family weddings and funerals. We have great fun at friends birthday parties without each other whilst one of us is at home in our Jim jams or pants.

But then we don't "get" or understand these need to do couple things with other couples. I don't have much in common with some of his close mates so would hate to have to force a smile on my face for a whole weekend and travel for miles and miles just to "keep up appearances" as he would as well. One of us would just be grumpy.

I'm with my partner because of who he is, not because he likes my family and friends.

You can do things independently, you are not joined at the hip.

Go and have a blast!! You don't need to have your partner there to have fun!

You go and have fun and a nice time whilst he has a nice time sitting in his pants. Grin

Win win!

Trollspoopglitter · 27/07/2017 10:53

Waitforit... My first thought was... Does this involve a hoedown /line dancing, is it a surprise and anyone called Jean invited?

waitforitfdear · 27/07/2017 10:54

Sounds sad though he would miss a weekend with you just because he doesn't want to spend a few hours with your friends and family.

waitforitfdear · 27/07/2017 10:55

trolls

And Nessa and Bryn duet Grin

Arealhumanbeing · 27/07/2017 10:55

There could be other reasons for him not wanting to go but he hasn't bothered to explain them to you.

'I'll only go if you force me'. Ugh. It's what a child might say.

Go on your own, have fun and consider getting rid.

Original poster
NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 10:56

He's a very sociable person with his own groups of friends- he has many and I do all sorts with them. Admittedly we don't have to travel far to see them but I blend in with them for his sake- I wouldn't choose to spend my time with them but he wouldn't know this.

We are in a bit of a Gavin and Stacey situation to be honest. The older I get the more I want to go back to where I call home and be around my support network. I resent that 95% of our socialising is with his friends and family. He sees his parents nearly every day, I only see mine a handful of times a year. I really look forward to events like this when all my friends will be together and him being like this spoils them for me. I feel miserable over this.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 27/07/2017 10:59

Haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like he just loves having you all to himself and he is putting a spanner in the works to make it difficult for you to go so he can isolate you. His attitude problem sounds pretty controlling to me.

scottishdiem · 27/07/2017 10:59

"I really look forward to events like this when all my friends will be together and him being like this spoils them for me"

But why do you need him there to enjoy it? Is your social life so bound up in his that you cannot have fun and relax when he is not by your side? Go, have fun and don't give him a second thought.

Slimthistime · 27/07/2017 11:00

OP it sounds like you need to consider allocating a lot more time to your friends and family. Are there any logistical things preventing it? I know travelling is a pain but if you are missing them badly then you should really see them more.Again, not clear from your posts, is it that he would moan? In which case he needs to grow up. But if he wouldn't moan that you were away more, then what is the issue?

Original poster
NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 11:00

He doesn't want to isolate me - he's fine with local things he just won't make an effort (IE travel anywhere) unless it suits him.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 27/07/2017 11:01

I think the blanket dislike of ALL of your friends is key here. They cant all be awful can they? Or is it just that he's too lazy to put his own needs aside for 48 hours.

DH and I socialise independently of each other 90% of the time so we are not in each others pockets by any means but every now and again one of us will make the effort to go out with the others friends because shared experiences can be great too.

Original poster
NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 11:02

It's hard for me with work to travel to see them as much as I would like- I work very long hours- and cost is a prohibiting factor. Even if I book in advance train fares are over £100 and the bus would take too long so I wouldn't have any time there if I went on a weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 11:02

We do socialise independently loads- it's just sometimes at occasions like this when everyone else is there with their husbands I would like mine to come with me too.

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 27/07/2017 11:04

I know it's hard when your friends live away from you, I feel for you.

But if your work prevents you from allocating more time to them, that's nothing to do with him really.

Do you arrange fixed times to call or Skype? I do that with far flung friends.

sweetbitter · 27/07/2017 11:05

YANBU. Nothing wrong with not doing everything together, but partners should go to the odd thing they don't want to for the sake of their DP from time to time with good grace.

sweetbitter · 27/07/2017 11:05

YANBU. Nothing wrong with not doing everything together, but partners should go to the odd thing they don't want to for the sake of their DP from time to time with good grace.

user1492877024 · 27/07/2017 11:06

I agree with others. Just go without him.

lanouvelleheloise · 27/07/2017 11:07

The thing that's leaping out for me is that he gets to see his people all the time, while you are feeling isolated from yours. In the circumstances, the very least he can do is to try to facilitate occasions where you are able to visit and see old friends.

Put it this way: I am in a similar situation. I miss my parents and my home county, I have loads of acquaintances but few friends in the city where I currently live. We are, however, stuck here for work with little prospect of being able to move back. DH realises that this makes me sad, and he arranges that we visit my parents and home county every few weeks. I'm sure there are people he'd rather see and things he'd rather do, but he knows this makes me so happy. It really does help, and knowing I have his support and care makes a world of difference.

Emmeline123 · 27/07/2017 11:14

So OP it sounds like you already spend more time with his friends and family than he does with yours? YANBU. I'd be really pissed off. He should go and go with good grace. Go on your own, and be more selfish about your needs/wants next time he expects you to attend something.

sweetbitter · 27/07/2017 11:17

Going without him just addresses this one time though, not the deeper problem. 80% of the time I see my friends and family without DP, but I'd be upset if the other 20% of the time especially when it's v couply he acted like OP's DP and either wouldn't entertain coming or made me force him to go then sulked through it.

Original poster
NaymeChaynge · 27/07/2017 11:19

I'm just going to go and not contact him for the weekend. If I even try and explain this situation to him he will go and act like he's doing me the world's biggest favour and he's already partially spoiled the occasion for me anyway.

OP posts:
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