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AIBU?

Man in ladies toilets

662 replies

ItsAHardKn0ckLife · 26/07/2017 10:23

Okay I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here, husband works away, have an unwell toddler and I'm a little sleep deprived. So not sure if emotions are getting the better of me.

Popped into our local M&S, DS (2yo) in tow. Needed to use the toilet before shopping. Walk into the ladies (small bathroom, only 2 cubicles) to an older man and woman (late 60's at a guess) changing a babies nappy. I stopped in my tracks, confused, checked I'd definitely walked into the right toilets.
I said "you are aware this is the ladies?"
"Yes" the woman replied, "have you got a problem?"
"Erm, well yes actually I have"
Cue lots of tutting and huffing and puffing whilst I waited patiently for him to leave.
On their way out of the door I was told I was being "absolutely ridiculous" and "totally unreasonable".
In hindsight I probably should have ignored, but I was feeling pretty pissed off so I went to inform a member of staff.
The couple were standing near me and they were shouting that I'm a hypocrite as I took my DS in there with me. Again repeating that I was unreasonable etc and what did I expect them to do? They then walked off.

I ended up crying Blush

The staff were lovely and offered me a very nice cup of tea. I apologised for being an emotional wreck and causing drama.

So was I wrong for being unhappy about this? Would you have said something or just turned a blind eye to him being in there?

OP posts:
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HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 11:24

But why blame the op for having a problem?

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viques · 26/07/2017 11:25

I think you were unreasonable. He was there for a perfectly legitimate reason, and honestly, you standing there waiting for them to finish and leave is a tad pathetic.

A number of the loos near me have signs saying they are serviced by male cleaners, would you complain about them too, or wait for them to leave?

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Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 11:28

Yanbu

I am only on page one so will read the rest in a minute but i am surprised at all the yabu comments

In this situation obviously

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PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 26/07/2017 11:29

For what it's worth, I'm a mum in my 20s and on days i need help changing a nappy (chronic pain condition). I understand that the guy could have done it himself if the woman is incapable due to illness but it could have been that actually he's pretty useless at the actual nappy changing and therefore needed the woman to do it but him to make sure that the baby was safe.
This is of course depending on the babies age. 2 month old is a hell of a lot easier to change than a fighting 1 year old

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VestalVirgin · 26/07/2017 11:30

Oh yes, one woman in a bathroom for men is defiantly a better situation than one older man with his wife and a baby in a women's bathroom

Yes, yes it would be. Because she would have chosen to be there.

OP and other women had NOT chosen to have a male in their bathroom.

Are you fucking daft?

(Besides, if the woman had mobility issues, which we have no reason to assume, the man could just have changed baby's nappy on his own in the men's bathroom.)

I have sympathy for dads like Andrewofgg who really need to go into the women's (because of shitty design) to change a baby's nappy, but as he demonstrates, it is completely possible to do so in a decent and polite way.

The least the couple could have done is apologize for bringing a man into the women's bathroom, and providing an explanation. (But I guess there WAS no good explanation. If the woman had actually needed help, she would have fucking said so.)

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ProudAS · 26/07/2017 11:31

YANBU OP - if cubicles give sufficient privacy then why are loos not unisex? I'd have been freaked out by this as a teenager (especially when changing sanpro), wouldn't be entirely comfortable now and dread to think how it could feel to some ladies who have suffered sexual assault/abuse.

Lack of baby changing facilities in the gents is not a valid reason for a man to enter the ladies loo IMO although it is a perfectly legitimate reason for him to change the baby on the manager's desk. That's irrelevant in this situation though as there were facilities in the gents and he had a woman with him.

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hazeyjane · 26/07/2017 11:31

But lots of people are talking about hypotheticals!

And people are talking about disabled adults and older children, and the possibility of the woman in the op having epilepsy, and what about male cleaning attendants and and...

Ok, I will leave it.

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Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 11:32

I'm torn on this too. I personally would not have been bothered he was there as he was clearly helping his wife change a nappy.

But I can't speak for others.

I would hope it was because she needed help though.

If of course she didn't need help then they were both not only pathetic...ffs cant you spend 2 mins apart, but also incredibly selfish and thoughtless putting their inability to do a simple task on their own over the feelings of others in a way which would very obviously upset other people.

That if course only applies of it was an active choice and not a necessity

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JaneEyre70 · 26/07/2017 11:33

Are people seriously saying that there is no issue with a man standing in a ladies toilet that is supposed to be a gender specific and therefore " safe" place to let your children and yourself pee in privacy........ Hmm

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HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 11:33

I'm sticking to the Opening Post Hazey

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nina2b · 26/07/2017 11:35

Today 11:31 hazeyjane

But lots of people are talking about hypotheticals!

And people are talking about disabled adults and older children, and the possibility of the woman in the op having epilepsy, and what about male cleaning attendants and and...

Ok, I will leave it.

This ^

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DonkeyExplosion · 26/07/2017 11:35

I don't think you're unreasonable, in this situation. I'd also be surprised if I entered a women's toilets and saw a man in there, and yes it would make me uncomfortable and I'd wait for him to leave.

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ProudAS · 26/07/2017 11:36

And if for whatever reason neither adult could change the baby independently what's wrong with using the disabled loo? You wouldn't expect to find a male carer in the ladies just because he is helping a female???

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Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 11:38

hazey

Annoying isnt it

Apparently its fine to invent scenarios to prove the OP wrong...but not the other way around Grin

Im sure thats not actually the case here but it's annoying when someone picks you up as being off tangent when just about everyone else (except for that goody two shoes honey Grin) is doing the same thing

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nina2b · 26/07/2017 11:38

I think they compromised other women's right to security and safety. End of. Their rudeness to the OP just demonstrates how entitled they were. Pfft

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JenziW · 26/07/2017 11:38

Haven't rtft. But imo if he was in solo then no would not be being unreasonable. In this situation yes slightly, but more unreasonable are places that have changing tables within the women's and / or men's rather than a unisex one.

You don't know if the woman, or both for that matter, had some reason they were doing it together (e.g. a physical ailment) or perhaps it was the first time they'd changed a baby's nappy in 40yrs and felt happier doing it together.

Some of my dds worst poosplosions i didn't turn down an extra hand when available and possible.

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HoneyDragon · 26/07/2017 11:39
Grin
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Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 11:39

In my very limited experience of grandparents (anacdata alert)


They would be horrified at a man in the ladies and vice versa

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AGnu · 26/07/2017 11:41

I think there should be changing facilities in the women's, men's & disabled toilets. That way a single man can take the baby into the men's, a single woman into the women's & anyone with additional needs, or indeed accompanied by someone who can't be left alone, can use the disabled toilet. In the latter the facilities should be sufficient to provide for the changing needs of any age. This really should be basic provision everywhere!

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Gileswithachainsaw · 26/07/2017 11:41

or perhaps it was the first time they'd changed a baby's nappy in 40yrs and felt happier doing it together

It's a nappy it's not the krypton factor Hmm

Plenty of people have never changed a nappy in their lives befire they have a baby and still manage not to turn it into a family event

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EdmundCleverClogs · 26/07/2017 11:41

Are people seriously saying that there is no issue with a man standing in a ladies toilet that is supposed to be a gender specific and therefore " safe" place to let your children and yourself pee in privacy

First of all, it is perfectly possible to pee in privacy as most people shut and lock the cubicle door.

Secondly, you are ignoring the specifics of this situation. Is it ok for a random bloke to hang around a women's bathroom, seemingly with no reason? Of course not, that would set off most women's 'threat' senses. However, an older man with his older wife just trying to change a baby as quickly as possible, that is on the other side of the scale - common sense should prevail in that situation. I'm sure it wasn't an ideal situation for anyone involved, but I still fail to see how it was deemed inappropriate enough to start an argument and involve staff.

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busyboysmum · 26/07/2017 11:42

The point is that the OP felt upset by it, it's a female only space and they should have been massively apologetic to her as he should not have been in there.

Why have a go at her? If they can't look after the baby and change a nappy on their own then maybe they should not be in charge of it.

I can't see the problem with this.

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Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 11:43

giles

My never got the hang of nappies

She used to sellotape me into them

Ahead of her time that woman

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hazeyjane · 26/07/2017 11:43

Halo for you Honeydragon Smile

And could someone send a batsignal to the rest of Mumsnet to STICK TO THE FRIGGING POINT!

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Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 26/07/2017 11:43

My mum!!!!

For crying out loud!!!

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