GPs fussing over DD and ignoring DS

[twinfinfinfish]

We're on holiday with my parents and a couple of other extended family members this week... this is something I've noticed before but is magnified by being away and is making me feel so sad for my DS.

It is like a bunfight to get to DD(3); everyone wants to be the one to read her story/take her swimming/hold her hand along the road etc...it's almost a bit suffocating and like she has five parents (that's another thread re people not listening to my wishes)

There are endless offers to take her off our hands, but no-one seems to want DS(10 mo)... no-one's offered to do a thing for him, no-one's even taken him for a cuddle unless I've asked them to.

Everyone is constantly saying how beautiful/wonderful/clever/funny DD is (and she is!) but it really draws attention to the lack of positive comments about DS. He's such a lovely little boy, and it's making me really sad.

I don't want to cause a weird atmosphere by mentioning it so not sure what to do really?

Is this sort of thing common?!

Is it because he's a baby and babies are boring?

It might be that they're worried that your daughter might feel pushed aside by having a new sibling, and are over compensating?

Maybe they just want to give you a chance to look after baby without DD around as toddlers take up so much of your attention and second babies don't get mummy to themselves as much?
When visiting family recently our DS2 was mostly with me (due to breastfeeding etc) and DP whereas family looked after DS1 a lot more... that said, they still came for baby cuddles from DS2 and did give him attention whenever they could.

Are there lots of boys in your family so they are more excited at having a little girl around??

Is this because dd is more interactive or because she's a girl?

I have no doubt that I will experience the same thing if my second child is a boy. My pil are absolutely besotted with my dd, especially so as she is a girl and they only had boys. Mil spends hours buying girly clothes, clips, bows, pants etc. She loves dressing dd up and I'm quite sure she won't have as much interest if dc2 is a boy.

It must be frustrating being with them on holiday, especially as it sounds like you don't get to spend time with your own dd as they're always desperate to do everything with her. Perhaps you should try asking the to take ds for a walk while you do something with dd? 10 month olds aren't that boring!

It might be because babies are boring and 3 year olds are more interactive.

I wouldn't take it personally

What metalmidget said. I clicked on this thinking it would be an older child being ignored while baby got all the attention.

Three year olds are more interesting than babies. And DS is too young to notice the difference in grandparent attention

If it continues when DS is talking more and doing more then yanbu to raise it. But right now, id let it go.

I would say it's because he is still a baby

I would have a guess and say it's becuase with a baby you can't do much and a baby can't really enjoy play like an older child can.

It's normal

My mum wasn't such interested in my son until he was walking to be honest, but was besotted by my eldest.

Now my son is older it's the youngest that gets the least attention again but I know she'll be crazy about all three of my children when the youngest is a bit more interesting

Agree with PPs, this sounds like a case of the baby being less able to interact with them so they naturally gravitate to your DD. Definitely an issue if it continues when DS is older, but wouldn't be a problem for me at that age. If it bothers you, could you suggest to GPs that they take DS for an hour on their own, so you know that they're getting quality time with him? Or do you think he'd get put in a corner and forgotten about? Don't know what your relationship is like, but you could point it out in a light-hearted way of you think it would be taken well. They may not even be aware that they're doing it!

Thanks for the replies!

I honestly don't think there's any concern about her not getting attention, she gets loads and loves to get involved in looking after her little brother.

I do think it's probably because she's a girl TBH...my mum LOVES little girls and clearly doesn't feel the same about boys.

When she was 10mo the situation was very much as it is now-no-one could get enough of her. I just think it's such a shame and worry what it'll be like as he gets older :-(

3 year old kids are more interactive than babies. Also, some people are actually scared of babies. I wouldn't let it worry you

Robot, they're actually having him for a couple of hours early evening while we take DD out, but they didn't suggest it and didn't jump at the chance...

Well the bonus is that he currently is unlikely to notice the preferential treatment his big sister is getting, but clearly it WILL become noticeable to him as he gets older.

I would actually challenge them on this - ask them why DD is so much more important to them than DS - and explain that you will not accept this level of favouritism in the future, so unless they start treating your DS as equally important to your DD, they won't be having so much access to EITHER of them. YOu can do it much more politely than this of course, but it needs to be said.

the situation can only be fixed by YOU....

Well I can understand it in that you can do stuff with a 3yr old & not with the baby.

Odd that no one wants to push the pram or sit & cuddle to give you a break though.

Or might it seem as if you don't want one?

I kind of agree thumb. My mum is very involved with DD and she will need to have the same relationship with my DS otherwise I'd just isn't fair is it.

No, it wouldn't be fair at all. And you'll get crosser and crosser about it as he starts to notice, and look sad - and then things might get overheated when you do finally say something.
So, if you can find a way to do it with as little upset as possible NOW, that would be better. Good luck!

I believe you are seeing what you think you are, and it's not just down to age. Certain of my relatives had a preference for one of my children

My mum, however has been scrupulously fair to all her GC and given them each the same amount of attention, and later, treated them as individuals.

Because it's your mum, can you talk to her about it?

I thought you were going to say your DS was older and I was going to agree that YANBU.

But I reckon it's because he's still a baby. Babies generally want their mum/dad more than anyone else and are hard work to entertain. Taking them on their own is more of a chore than a pleasure, whereas a 3 year old (that they know) can be great fun.

If it doesn't even out as gets bigger then I'd say you have a problem, but I wouldn't be worried for now (personally).

Do NOT confront them about it now. Do you want to spoil the loving relationship they have with your DD? Look, most grandparents do have a favourite child, even if it's more subtle. Don't you think that you should be even a little bit happy that they are making such a fuss of her? Bonkers advice from Thumb

Eh, they probably assume that he is quite happy being with his mother. A 3 year old is just more interested in people.

Others asking to hold the baby is more for the adult's benefit than for the baby's, isn't it?

Recently was at a family meeting and there was a new baby. I didn't take much notice but my mother noted that the poor boy was handed to much too many people to hold for a moment, when actually, all he wanted to do was sleep.

I think the problem here is more with your DD getting more attention than she actually wants than with your son getting too little.

It will most likely even out when he's older.

In the meantime, why not just ask them to hold your son while you do stuff with your daughter? If they refuse they will be the ones who have to explain why.

it's because she's the first born - my Mum couldn't get enough of ds right from birth. virtually ignored dd - until she started toddling around and generally being a proper little person. at that point Mum really struggled because she wanted both of them!

Had a very similar thing with mine. I had enough when they got a bit older and the elder one was being invited overnight but not the one year old. Really upset me ( plus it would of been nice to get some couple time, if they were having one, they could have both iyswim).
I just couldn't allow it go on ( my db was always favoured my parents) and could let one of my dc feel that. So i spoke to them about it. I said that they were of an age where they were understanding and it just wasn't fair. Not forcing either of them on them, but invite both or neither. Fortunately, they did just that and have a great relationship.