GPs fussing over DD and ignoring DS

[twinfinfinfish]

We're on holiday with my parents and a couple of other extended family members this week... this is something I've noticed before but is magnified by being away and is making me feel so sad for my DS.

It is like a bunfight to get to DD(3); everyone wants to be the one to read her story/take her swimming/hold her hand along the road etc...it's almost a bit suffocating and like she has five parents (that's another thread re people not listening to my wishes)

There are endless offers to take her off our hands, but no-one seems to want DS(10 mo)... no-one's offered to do a thing for him, no-one's even taken him for a cuddle unless I've asked them to.

Everyone is constantly saying how beautiful/wonderful/clever/funny DD is (and she is!) but it really draws attention to the lack of positive comments about DS. He's such a lovely little boy, and it's making me really sad.

I don't want to cause a weird atmosphere by mentioning it so not sure what to do really?

Is this sort of thing common?!

[Aeroflotgirl]

I hate these excuses being made for the grandparents, the different way in which they are treating the children is unacceptable, op, you need to keep a close eye on it. You also need a chat about to them about it, and mabey reduce their involvement with your children if it does not improve, it will only get worse. Op, you said your mum has a prefrence for girls, this is not an age thing.

[Minkyfluffster]

You have a babe in arms, I wouldn't be rushing to take him off you at that age.

Do suggest some baby sitting though.

[diddl]

"And she was already getting up before I'd finished the sentence...if it had been DD at that age, she would have cherished that time."

Well that is just horrible.

She couldn't even finish a feed that he'd started?

If he was really fractious & she was struggling to calm him then that would be one thing.

[CPtart]

Mmmm. I'd perhaps reduce her involvement with your DD. Why does she have to be so heavily involved. How often do you actually see her? Do you want to holiday with her? If she's 'suffocating' and doesn't listen to you, maybe it's time to back off. As the mn saying goes "she's had her turn". Holidays are precious and this doesn't sound much fun.
FWIW MIL favours one of the GC (one of four) since being a baby and it didn't reduce with age. Just built resentment until the others noticed. And if you try to redress the balance it won't be coming from the heart.

[twinfinfinfish]

Dead, by 'snapped my hand off' I mean I didn't need to ask twice...I popped my head in and said 'are you ok giving him his bottle? Do you want me to finish it?' And she was already getting up before I'd finished the sentence...if it had been DD at that age, she would have cherished that time.

[BunnyBardot]

What about developing a relationship with both grandchildren Bunny!

Exactly, which is why I said to ignore Thumb's advice to threaten the grandparents that if they didn't want to spend time with the DS as well as DD, the OP would restrict their time with DD.

[stella23]

Also i don't agree with the he's a baby people, most people love a baby and if she doted on dd when she was a baby she needs to get a grip and show ds the same

[stella23]

You have to say something, it will build up and you will end up withdrawing from the relationship with you mum so you don't feel bad for your ds.

He will notice in the end just like you have. He will look to you to support him.

[DeadGood]

What do you mean she snapped your hand off?

If she was horrible to you, then surely you now have an actual concrete reason to addrsss her behaviour.

[Xmasbaby11]

But when your dd was 10 months she was an only child so of course she got the attention.

Babies do tend to get ignored when there are older children around. I went to a picnic with 6 children, all 3 plus apart from a baby. We were all busy with other children and baby got almost no attention. He was happy with his mum and no one thought to do anything with him.

My dp weren't interested in my dc until they were 2 or so and more interesting company!

[Northernparent68]

Can you say something in a gentle light hearted tone ?

[eggsandwich]

I wouldn't get upset about it as your Dd is 3 they start to be more interesting and engage with people more, they also start showing some independence and their personalities start to show much more, but at 10 month old they not that interesting and are more work until they get older.

I bet when your ds is 3 they will start taking much more of an interest, I shouldn't be too concerned at his present age by their lack of interest, but as he gets older you may need to have a word, they may not even realise they are doing it.

My children's gp's have always engaged more with my Dd than my ds most probably because my ds has asd is non verbal and has severe learning difficulties so they don't get any feed back from him, he doesn't care if they are in the room or not, but my Dd when she was 3 was a little chatterbox and they loved it.

[twinfinfinfish]

Thanks geeky, really pleased it's got better for your DS

[GeekyWombat]

I am in exactly the same position - DD is 3, affectionate, funny, clever and adored by all (I know we all feel like that about our kids but you know what I mean). DS is 15 months and up until about a month ago no-one really paid much attention, even my dad who notionally is from a culture that would tend to be more excited about boys. They didn't actively dislike DS or anything, but he just wasn't doing much people could get involved in or enjoy. That paired with a massive sense of not wanting DD to be pushed out made him a bit of a poor relation.

In my experience it's all changed in the last six weeks or so - DS is now toddling about, has started to get really affectionate with people other than me and babbling more and relations are definitely reacting to him more and interacting with him more which seems to be making him even giddier.

I totally understand the pangs, but hopefully this will be your experience too.

and in the meantime.

[twinfinfinfish]

Thanks everyone. Just got back from a few hours out with DD while they had DS. As soon as I got in I poked my head round his bedroom door and asked if my mum was ok giving him his bottle or if she wanted me to take over...she snapped my hand off and practically threw the bottle at me. Great.

I don't know if I'm seeing things that aren't there but it's actually really upsetting me.

[mistermagpie]

pax I'm the opposite! A 2-4 year old is a lovely thing to me, but a baby... yawn. I love my little one but I am waiting for him to do something other than eat, sleep, poo and cry.

[StarHeartDiamond]

*to encourage

[StarHeartDiamond]

TBH they may well have a preference and it's better tivesge then into noticing that before it gets set in stone as accepted behaviour (bitter experience).

The subtle approach first "oh ds would love some cuddles with his grandma!" "Can you help feed ds, grandad?"

Then if they don't change, say something like they had obviously had longer with dd to bond, so it's understandable, but you wouldn't want ds to feel left out as he grows up.

[Nanny0gg]

I think 10 month-olds are great! Just starting to explore...

[paxillin]

People have favourite ages. Give me a baby, no problem. Give me a child aged 5 or over, including a teen, lovely. Ages 2-4 I find an absolute pain, lots of will and no sense.

My GP loved 1 year olds, when mine was a 1 year old cherub and DSis's was weeks old, hers didn't get a look in. When mine was 2 and wilful, and hers was a 1 year old cheerful cherub, mine didn't get a look in. When they were 6 and 7 they were fussed over the same.

[mistermagpie]

It's very similar with my two. DS1 is 2 and the absolute light of his GPs eyes, they worship the ground he walks on and fall over themselves to read to him or hold his hand or whatever.

DS2 is 4 months old and they barely look his way, poor lad. The thing is, as a pp said, he's a baby and babies are boring. DS1 is lots of fun and can also do a lot of things (walk/talk) that make him easier to look after.

I'm not bothered really, I love DS2 enough for everyone.

[paxillin]

But when your DD was 10 month old there was no 3 year old to pick over her? It might change as he gets older and more interesting.

[SnowWhite33]

Well it could be one of several reasons or a mix of them
Toddlers are far more interesting than babies. They can be witty and funny, and you can have a conversation and in general you feel that you are getting something back
When your daughter was a baby she was the first born and im sure everyone was fussing over her
I agree though that as your son gets older, they both need to get the attention from your parents, and you should def talk about it with them, dont keep it to yourself

[multivac]

When your daughter was a 10-month-old, she didn't have a more interesting older sibling. It was her or nothing.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Read the op updates fgs!!! Its not about him being a baby, but being a boy, as op mum prefers girls and granny doted on the girl when she was a baby.