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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

narcisstic grant parent

92 replies

babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:38

How would I best go about coping with a narcisstic grand parent if YOU have to have contact ? so going absolutely no contact isn't an option but tbh its dragging me down know & affecting my life & mental health quite badly :(

OP posts:
thefutureisfemale · 25/07/2017 10:39

Why isn't it an option? Is it your GP?

MuddyMoose · 25/07/2017 10:40

Why is NC not an option?

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:42

Bit of background it's my mother & my childs grandparent

OP posts:
Alicia555 · 25/07/2017 10:43

That's not enough background for anyone to advise you.

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:44

I can't really say why it isn't an option because it would be very identifying and then god knows what if the damn Daily fail picked the thread up or something :(

OP posts:
MuddyMoose · 25/07/2017 10:45

I understand not being able to day anything that may identify you but its also very hard to advise someone when you dont know the full situation x

MadMags · 25/07/2017 10:46

I'm not sure what you mean?

Trb17 · 25/07/2017 10:46

It's always possible to go NC.

It's just not always practical or easy.

We'd need more info first.

Alicia555 · 25/07/2017 10:48

If it's that identifying you might have to speak to an actual friend or relative, strangers can't advise with no information about the situation and person involved.

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:50

The behaviour has escalted quite badly towards me verbal abuse , making arrangements asking to come over so we wait in all day then abusing me via text saying im trying to dictate what she does when she suddenly cancels on us and it's too late to do anything ! Saying it's not fair on her when my daughter has another's childs birthday party to go to and she DM is second best and she shouldn't go . That's just the start

OP posts:
user1492287253 · 25/07/2017 10:52

has she always been like that?

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:54

Also swearing and raising her voice in front of my child . Saying I should be strict with her and she's out of control because I don't shout at her ..(she's only 15months & a very gentle sweet little girl obviously some toddler tantrums but nothing out of the ordinary ) i was abused by her & I do not agree with shouiting swearing or hitting .

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 25/07/2017 10:55

say exactly what you feel, when you feel it, to her. Push back. be firm and don't feel like you have to hide your feelings in order to manage her behaviour.

And when she is being narcissistic, you need say "stop being narcissistic, this is not about you". EVERY time. Over and over again. Not screaming or shouting, just calmly. And when she is rude to you, say that, and then blank her for a day.

Think of it like a dog that snaps and needs training - no spite, no screaming, just calm, repetitive, training.

RockyBird · 25/07/2017 10:56

I'm nc with my toxic mother. Coming up for 5 years now. The peace is fabulous.

I have a bit of bother from well meaning flying monkeys but can deal with it.

If someone doesn't treat you kindly, don't make room for them in your life.

Alicia555 · 25/07/2017 10:57

So you believe she has NPD? Is she diagnosed? Or could she be just a controlling nasty person? Why can't you go no contact?

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 10:58

When we go out for the day she says you chose to go out for the day and didn't think of her so why should she care about cancelling on us at the last min & she is always second best . She's been invited on many trips but apprently doesn't like going out with toddlers and prefers staying indoors and playing .

OP posts:
MsLexicon · 25/07/2017 11:03

Granny from Hell. No contact.

Original poster
babapinksheep · 25/07/2017 11:03

When the abuse starts I do react sometimes I can't help it i know that is wrong and no longer going to argue with her because it's giving me terrible anxiety & in her eyes no opinion but her own is worth anything .but i don't want my daughter to be subject to rows and tension as she is soon going to be able to understand

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 25/07/2017 11:03

If you were abused by her and continue to be so why are you insisting that your child must have her in her life?

Going NC is obvious. You are supposed to protect your children from abusers.

bridgetreilly · 25/07/2017 11:05

You don't have to go completely NC to deal with some of this. You decide when and for how long she will see you and your child. If she doesn't turn up at those times, it's up to her. But at other times, she doesn't get the choice. When she calls, don't answer. When she rants via text, don't answer. Only answer when she is polite and rational. Otherwise, your texts to her simply say, 'You are welcome to come at X time on X day.' And stick to it. If she turns up at other times, don't let her in.

DJBaggySmalls · 25/07/2017 11:06

Go no contact now. If you were abused by her she will abuse your daughter.
If you cant go NC for you, do it for your child. Then get some counselling.

Serialweightwatcher · 25/07/2017 11:07

Why do you have to have contact?

UnicornShitGlitters · 25/07/2017 11:08

Go NC. Sounds like your life would be better without her in it, and do you want someone this toxic in your daughters life? Really.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2017 11:09

It's impossible to know your exact circumstances from what you have written but please don't allow your child near this abuser, they WILL turn on her too
I wasn't until I was pg that I had the courage to go nc with my father, I vowed not to expose my child to his emotional abuse

SaucyJack · 25/07/2017 11:09

You need to stop expecting her to behave like a nice, normal, reasonable person for the sake of your own sanity mate. You lucked out, and didn't get one of those for a mother. Come to terms with the flawed person that she actually is.

Don't let her opinion of you upset you any more. You're not a defenceless kid any more. She can't hurt you, and you don't need to be scared of her. She's just a person.