narcisstic grant parent

[babapinksheep]

How would I best go about coping with a narcisstic grand parent if YOU have to have contact ? so going absolutely no contact isn't an option but tbh its dragging me down know & affecting my life & mental health quite badly :(

Hold my baby not hide him!!

"If you had read my post correctly you would see that I said it was the right thing to do in some circumstances and I have just explained my reply wasn't in direct response to the OP's post."
You posted your explanation whilst I was typing my post, so I did not see it. I don't want to harp on and derail this thread, but your post talked of 'trivial reasons' so the implication was that you thought the abuse suffered by the OP was trivial. And that knowing your family history was more important than being kept safe. As if your family history was going to be a closed book because you were kept away from one member of your family?

Perhaps is you wanted to have a discussion on 'to NC or not to NC', it would be best to start your own thread, rather than make that comment on a thread where the OP has detailed serious abuse?

babapinksheep.

I knnow you say that going no contact isn't possible but you don't seem able to explain why.

I am not seeing anything in your posts that hints at a court order, and you say you live alone,.

I know the idea of it is terrifying. The fall out alone will be horrible. But best to do it NOW while your daughter doesn't understand than to try to do it at the point where she has already abused and manipulated your daughter into being as frightened of and controlled by her as you are.

Come on, balls of steel. You can do it, for your daughter you can do it,.

Abuse was more to do with the situation we were in at the time utter poverty so regular beatings wippings were used as control i guess she had no other way of doing so but she had lots of children and no money she also controled my diet and fitness regimen I used to be so hungry I would go down the bins after dark and lick butter tubs

Your family's financial situation has nothing to do with the emotional/abusive situation, your ED (because she's not good enough to be called DM IMO) put you thru and is still putting you thru...

You need to go NC for your DD's sake, before she moves onto her in a more formal way... you say that she says you need to be stricter with her... this is the first step in her trying to gain control over you both and slowly take over parenting...

"Yes lots of siblings some are still in contact with her 3 have cut her off . No real relationship as the older children were actively encourged to get involved when the beatings happended . the ones that were not in trouble were aloud to beat the child who had done some something wrong & take part in the humiliation afterwards ect"

Oh, babapinksheep, that's even worse than I had suspected . But one thing - three have successfully cut her off. It can be done, it has been done - it should be done by you too.

Have you ever discussed your childhood with anyone? With your GP? Because I think you could make good use of some counselling. To be able to talk it through, to be helped to find ways to reduce her effect on you, to be helped to see a way of removing her from your and your daughter's future.

Where....

Yes you're probably right, needs a differerent thread.

The sad thing is, OP. You will always be that frightened child as long as your mother is on the scene. You will go back to your default settings.

She will always be able to manipulate your thought processes and twist situations/words back onto you. That is no way to live.

My advice FWIW - stick her on temporary PAUSE! Block her number/ignore her if she makes impromptu visits (keep your door locked)

Get yourself enough distance to enable you to make an informed decision on whether or not you wish for her to be part of yours and your daughters life.

OP, I know this is difficult. Try writing down all the happy memories you have with your mother and another list of the unhappy ones and compare.

Theres no way I would let her near my DD.

In fact I made the decision when I was pregnant to cut my abusive alcoholic father out of my life because I wasnted to protect my unborn child from his toxic abuse.

Your DD is not too old to do this. If you don't need your mum for money or childcare (and you can survive without family help for those) then cut ties.

And get some help, you need to come to terms with all this. Go to your GP they will be able to recommend counselling.

Protect your DD. Go NC.

liquid revolution

If you are cutting someone out of your life why on earth would you consider using them for childcare or financial reasons??

Helendee
Children dont need a right to have contact with abusive adults. Its up to adults to behave like reasonable, decent people but not everyone is capable of it.
Telling the child to fix their parent so the relationship can be repaired is not good advice.

Who is giving that advice?

Has your mum ever shown any remorse for the way she treated you as a child, Pinksheep? Have you ever discussed it with her or your siblings?

It sounds truly awful. I think "narcissistic" is minimising it actually. She subjected you to a life of fear and she systematically physically and emotionally abused you and your siblings. You were also severely neglected. I'm so sorry you had to suffer that.
I agree, you will get some really great advice on The Stately Homes thread.

Sometimes having a child and becoming a mum can bring up a lot of unresolved feelings about your own childhood and your own mum (if that makes sense).

You said you were young and alone op. If your mum isn't there for support and new (ish) mums need mothering, there is 24/7 support on Mumsnet you know.

Some very kind women are here.

There is a very good reddit called 'raised by narcissists', I would recommend posting on it? Good luck And I hate how the Daily Fail steal threads from here as it puts people in need of advice and support off of posting

I'd have three words I'm afraid... Mum, fuck off!... repeat as necessary. Keep your chin up OP