narcisstic grant parent

[babapinksheep]

How would I best go about coping with a narcisstic grand parent if YOU have to have contact ? so going absolutely no contact isn't an option but tbh its dragging me down know & affecting my life & mental health quite badly :(

My mother has what I think of as narcissistic tendencies (or 'being bloody horrible' before I found MN).

The only way it works for me is 1) Low contact 2) Contact on MY terms, arranged well in advance 3) Contact withdrawn if she starts with the emotionally controlling 'poor me' behaviour 4) It helps that I live 200 miles from her.

She occasionally tries a 'your poor dad' alternative, which I admit I find it hard to deal with, but he enables her so he's made his bed in my opinion.

If she only wants to come round and play indoors let her do that, give her a 2 hour slot one day a week, if she comes fine, if not, you've not wasted a whole day.

She sounds very emotionally manipulative; emotionally blackmailing you or making you feel bad if she's not getting her own way.

It's difficult because you love your mum despite the abuse she subjected you to? You're not obliged to allow her to have a relationship with your dd. Do try to remember that.

What about limiting contact? Keep to one visit every 2 weeks or something and supervise the visit?
I understand it must be enormously difficult to stand up to a mum that has controlled and manipulated you your whole life.

It would be sad to expose your dd to the same abuse.

Abuse was more to do with the situation we were in at the time utter poverty so regular beatings wippings were used as control i guess she had no other way of doing so but she had lots of children and no money she also controled my diet and fitness regimen I used to be so hungry I would go down the bins after dark and lick butter tubs

My mother is a narcissist. It takes time. Be kind to yourself. Right now, you're persuaded that you have to cowtow to your mother. I am finally finally realising I must stop protecting my mother's feelings in place of my own. It's really hard. My dd is 9. I have to deprogram her after she sees my mother as she becomes nasty with me. I've also had to place strict boundaries and pull her up when she treats my dd badly.

1). Never leave them alone together
2). Never let her say a bad word about your dd
3). Tell her clearly and repeatedly you are the parent and you decide what is best for your dd
4). Limit time with her.
5). Tell her you are going out at x time and she can come with you but you cannot wait. Explanation: it isn't convenient to wait, don't get drawn into an argumemt
6). Cut contact if she goes too far. Even if it is for a few weeks

I have decided my dd will not be seeing my mother during the summer holidays. She went too far last week. Longer term? Who knows. I am now NC with brother, golden child.

Just read your update. Sod what I said. Go NC now.

It's your job to protect your dd from this woman. You are allowing her to treat you like this. You are allowing your daughter to watch her treat you like this.

If you cannot stand up to her and call her out every single time then you need to stay away. It will affect your dd enormously to see her mum treated this way.

Stop making allowances.
Stop inviting her on trips.

Stop waiting around for her to show up when you know she won't

Let her get on with her selfish twisted life and let your f2f enjoy a normal.libinh relationship with you without the drama.
Just cos she gave birth to you doesn't give her the right to abuse you.

Don't get sucked into the rows and drama of it all. It allows her to keep you in the 'bad person' box, whilst, in her mind anyway, she's the 'good' person.
If she wants to come round tell her what time you'll be in And then go
Out. Don't hang around waiting for her.

If she tells you how badly behaved your daughter is, nod along and ignore.

Ignore any nasty texts, don't even reply.

Not my mother, but My ex. It took me a long long time to work this out.

Dd not ffs
Loving relationship
Stupid phone yet again.

Why can't you cut her off? I wouldn't let my mum behave like that, my exmil was just the same, divorce sorted that out nicely x

There is a great site called Out of the FOG which has a section for those with grandparents with PDs such as narcissism, it is very helpful for ideas, as well. HTH.

I agree with the NC btw, OOTF talks about it as well,

Poverty is no excuse for what she did. She's a cunt op, pure and simple. I wouldn't let her breathe the same air as my child.
Get yourself over to Stately Homes, they are experts at this.

Abuse was more to do with the situation we were in at the time utter poverty so regular beatings wippings were used as control i guess she had no other way of doing so but she had lots of children and no money she also controled my diet and fitness regimen I used to be so hungry I would go down the bins after dark and lick butter tubs

I am aghast at this description of your upbringing. There is no excuse for her beating you or controlling you like that. I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am sure you will be a much better parent to your dd as a result of that experience. In light of you what you have posted I think you need to cut this woman out of your life. I don't think she has anything positive to offer you or your dd.

You need to get away from her, OP. She abused you when you were young and powerless and she's trying to keep you in that position. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

I also suggest you tell someone about your childhood. What you experienced was not excusable - plenty of people live in utter poverty and don't abuse their children.

Have you ever had counselling? You need to look at what happened, so you can stand back a bit, consider everything she did, and make decisions about your future.

Perhaps tell your GP in the first instance - explain that you were abused (and be in no doubt...that's what it was!) and that the person is still in your life.

Why do you have to have contact?

Here's the Stately Homes thread someone else mentioned, OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2940513-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families?pg=30

Your mother is a narcissist. Things will suit her if and only if they please her. She will deny everything and cause you a lot of issues with self-doubt. Narcissists struggle with boundaries but try to be firm.
Going through the same.

Your job as as dm is to protect your dc. . If you don't you are failing her. .

You say you were abused by your dm so why offer up your own dc for the same treatment???!!!!!
No excuses exist as to why she should be in your lives. None at all. .
When your dc starts nursery /school and repeats any of this behaviour you risk Ss being involved. . .
Is your dm really worth risking your dd for??

Come and talk to us on Stately Homes.

She emotionally and physically abused you, poverty's no excuse, plenty of poor people manage to look after their children without abusing them. You have a responsibility to get your DD away from her. Abusers don't become nice people just because they become grandparents so even if she's nice to your DD now, sort of, when she can be bothered seeing her, someone's still going to get the shitty end of the stick and if it's not your DD it'll be you or perhaps the bother of you. Perhaps dear granny will be trying to stick a wedge between you by lovebombing your DD. It won't be pretty, whatever it is.

NC is easier than low contact because you're programmed to say yes to her and pander to her and manage her feelings, and it's a lot easier to consciously say "fuck this" one time and change your phone number than it is to enforce boundaries with her face to face and repeatedly. And by exposing your DD to your mother you put her in danger of being abused. But if you have to - really have to, don't just feel you have to - stay in contact, then arrange to do things with her on neutral ground, where you can leave if she is awful. Arrange to meet her at the place, so you can have your trip out or whatever whether or not she turns up. If she starts making shite with her tell her to stop it, and if she continues, leave. Don't phone her up afterwards and say sorry - you're not the arsehole, she is - wait for her to get in contact with you. And if she doesn't, job done, she's gone NC for you.

It's the sticking to it even the minimal contact I always promise myself I won't get sucked in & pick up the phone but I always do- in a way I am allowing it to happen . I wouldn't leave my DD alone but as a previous poster said I can't let her see me being treated poorly she is going to be able to fully understand the situation soon and I don't want her damaged . I have said this to DM but nothing changes ever and I like I said it's now affecting me quite badly every time an incident occurs

I've accepted what happended in my past and trying to think of it as lessons in how not to bring up a child and made me hyper aware not to act in that way to my DD . I'm terrified of turning into that without realising though the thought panics me so much I feel like i am suffocating :(

It's always possible to go NC
No, it is not.

GPs can and do get contact orders for their GC.

I imagine that you pick up the phone through guilt and a longing to have her be the nice mother you crave. Is that correct?

Please don't beat yourself up about phoning her. You were conditioned to cow tow to her. Your very survival depended on it as a child. Had you rejected her, it may have caused your death. She has created this hollow yet burning desire in you. The difference is now you're an adult. I'm learning to mother myself.

You say you have learnt how not to bring up a child and how not to act with your dd.

Would you like any help with how to bring up your child? This place can be very supportive.

Unless you live with your mother, or in a property owned by her, it is always possible to go no contact. You block her phone number (or change yours if necessary) and refuse to answer the door to her.

Yes it's hard, but you and your child do not deserve this treatment. Be strong for your DD.