"You're allowed to really love your kids now, it was different back then"

[OohMavis]

This is what my dad said to DH yesterday, when it was just them and our children in the house. DH was playing with our 3yo daughter and making her giggle. DH asked him what he meant and he said it was 'just different', men back then (20-30 years ago) just didn't do hands-on parenting, it was almost socially unacceptable to be seen down on the floor engaging with kids. DH said he seemed sad about that.

Do you think he's right? Is it different now? Are fathers "allowed to love their kids" now? Or is it a pretty weak excuse, actually. I had friends whose fathers were amazing, what my dad describes certainly wasn't true for everyone.

Totally normal 30 years ago.

I'm 38 and my dad was very hands on. Some of my friend's dads weren't so much but I think they always did the fun playing bit, it was the slog of bedtimes, cooking and nappy changes they did less of, which judging by MN and several rl friends is still the case now in lots of families.

Twenty years ago- that's when my daughter was born!!! That's no time at all!!! Virtually all the men I knew were hands-on and the ones who weren't were considered rather poor husbands/boyfriends by the others.

My grandfather was really hands on in the 1920 and 30s, always preferred spending time playing with his children to almost anything else. He was still great at playing when I was a child in the 60s and he was an old man in his late 70s.I don't suppose he would have cared one way or another if somebody had told him it was socially unacceptable; in fact, he would have thought very poorly of anyone who had put "social acceptance" before his own children.

My dc are in their 30s and their dad (we are divorced now) was hands on when they were little.

I am in my sixties and my dad certainly used to play with me and show me affection - I don't think he was hands on with nappies etc, but that doesn't mean he wasn't hands-on - certainly he pushed the pram and so did my FiL with his children and grandchildren.

And to go back even further my granddad who died 30 years ago aged 85 was very affectionate with us and with his own children and played games and made up stories (I remember his stories very well - they were SO daft) although he was of his time in terms of not doing his share of the housework, even though my grandmother worked full time.

I think you can love and be involved with your children even if you don't do stuff like change nappies and bath them. I am not saying that this part is fair, just how it was.

I was born in the 1960s and my dad played with us, was very hands on, brought us and all the neighbouring children to the park every saturday morning. Wouldn't have crossed his mind to be self-conscious about it. He made us breakfast every morning too (and served my SAHM hers in bed).

He was exactly the same as a grandad - all his grandchildren adored him.

I don't think my uncles were the same in terms of playing with their kids. My FIL, who was younger than my dad never changed a nappy, didn't play with children, and thought (and said) he'd be much more interested in his grandchildren once they grew up (into clever, interesting people of course). He died before they did and none of them ever mention him now whereas my kids have photos of them playing with my dad which they treasure.

I'm 32 and had a very involved dad.. night feeds, changing, making me laugh, feeding.. most of my friends my age had hands on dads too. However my FIL has never changed a nappy or given a bottle in his life (5 kids) Lazy bastard.. my poor MIL was a trooper. He once saw my DP playing around with our son and I heard him mutter "why's he doing that?" He also said to my BIL "you can enjoy grandkids but not your own kids" BIL is one of the most hands-on, close-to-their-children dads there is. His face was

We had a kid 27 years ago and dh was hands on.

I was born in 1964 and my dad was hands on with all of us.

I think your fil is talking bollocks actually and dads are just dads some hands on and some not.

I don't think it was that it was less acceptable to be a hands on dad, more that it was more acceptable to not be iyswim.

I basically think there are two kinds of fathers:

the ones who will only do as much as social expectations force them to do

and the ones who will do the work because they want to

The former are quite likely to confuse "not being forced to" with "not being allowed" because it suits them.

The latter will do what they want to anyway- and notice that there isn't actually anything to stop them.

Totally normal to see a bloke pushing a pram 30 years ago! It was the bloody 1980s not the 1880s!