"You're allowed to really love your kids now, it was different back then"

[OohMavis]

This is what my dad said to DH yesterday, when it was just them and our children in the house. DH was playing with our 3yo daughter and making her giggle. DH asked him what he meant and he said it was 'just different', men back then (20-30 years ago) just didn't do hands-on parenting, it was almost socially unacceptable to be seen down on the floor engaging with kids. DH said he seemed sad about that.

Do you think he's right? Is it different now? Are fathers "allowed to love their kids" now? Or is it a pretty weak excuse, actually. I had friends whose fathers were amazing, what my dad describes certainly wasn't true for everyone.

I'm 28 and the eldest of three and my dad was very hands on with all of us and is now a very hands on grandad to my baby DS. It's like he's got his time all over again and he's on the floor playing with him, feeds him and changes nappies - everything a "Dad" would do (he throws him around like he did with us but gets told off by my mum!) his dad however wasn't hands on at all and spent most of his childhood down the pub (was the 70s) and my mum told me that he always said he'd be the opposite with his own kids and he was, he's really the best dad and grandad ever

My dad is very proud of the fact that he never changed a nappy

It's rubbish. I was born 30-odd years ago and my dad was very hands on, despite his own father always having being cold towards him.

My dh did the parenting 25 years ago he really wasn't that rare we lived on a normal street nothing fancy but loads of the dads were hands on maybe the 70s into the 80s my stepdad did bugger all with my sisters huffed if he had to "babysit"

I'm 50 and my dad was hands on play wise, although less so actually doing anything practical. He used to wrestle with us and has always cuddled me and shown love. He is the same with my children. We were very much into a sport and he would drive us all over the country and would chat for hours in the car.

We're in NE England and I've heard of many men being more hands on with their grandchildren as they feel it is more acceptable now, like they've always wanted to be that way but felt they weren't allowed, somehow.

Dh dad was prettyshit by all accounts but mil was brilliant she would say to dh she is your baby too.

I have memories of riding on my dads back on the living room floor, would have been early 70s.

It totally depends on the parent, rather than the age.

DH and I are both 51.

My dad used to have a tumble on the floor, with all 3 of us, every single night, when he came home form work , he also did lots with us over weekends and holidays. He did that also with his grandchildren.

DH's dad was the absolutely opposite. No fun, no playing at all. I had to tell DH he should play with dds, as he did not have a clue what to do at first..

I actually don't remember either of my parents playing with me

My grandmother did though, she was the most wonderful person in my life and I love that I see her shining through in my DD

I'm in my forties. My dad played with us loads - wild imaginative games, blocks on the floor, drawing, My Little Ponies, having his hair styled, board games, cooking together, reading us stories, as well as taking us on long walks, snowball fights and teaching us to shoot a catapult.

My dad has never changed a nappy. He has four DCs At least now he visits every week to see his DGCs and picks them up from school once a week. Working class, if that makes a difference.

It's bollocks. My grandad was an amazing, connected and caring, demonstrative and supportive father.
He wasn't considered unusual. Just noted for being the above.
My mother learned sweet FA from him and was constantly going on about how she was just too "focused" to waste time of children like that. Utter claptrap.
In my experience caring and nice people are just that. If you don't like kids you don't like people.

I'm 62, my parents came through WWII and seemed to be around ten years older than many of my school friends' parents. IME few men of Dad's generation had much to do with their kids.

He was more interested in reading the paper, going to the pub, playing darts, that sort of 'manly' stuff and barely spoke to us unless he wanted to start a fight - a good argument was what he really loved.

I think that the war hardened both my parents in many ways.

When mum started work part time she met other mothers and could compare these different attitudes. Dad was found wanting and was told that he should take more interest in us.

He grudgingly took us to the rec sometimes (under sufferance) but barely uttered a word to us and it was excruciating. He was very much 'a man of his time'.

My dad was working class northerner he's in his 80s but was in his late 30s by the time he had kids.

He never had a dad and was brought up by his Stuffy Victorian grandfather which I don't think helped.

I'm 54. My dad never did anything with us. No games, no colouring, no swing park, no swimming, no trips out, no rough and tumble...well, you get the picture. I was actually afraid of him because the only time he had anything to do with us was to punish us. God! How I hated to hear his key in the door.

My dad was hopeless - never so much as cooked or cleaned never mind helped my mum with either of us practically. My dad is useless in general though

DPs dad definitely wasn't affectionate but was hands on more so than mine. He didn't get involved in practical care but he took them out a lot and spent a lot of time with his kids when he had the chance.

My Mums dad was actually more hands on than her Mum - he was far far more affectionate that she was.

My DP is incredible with our kids - he changes nappies, feeds, cooks, cleans and whilst he's hopeless getting up in the night he's an amazing Dad who hugs our boys and always tells them he loves them. I couldn't ask for a better dad.

Such a variation. Obviously it's less of a generational thing and more complicated than 'this is how it was' sort of thing.

they feel it is more acceptable now, like they've always wanted to be that way but felt they weren't allowed, somehow.

This is what my dad was getting at, I think.

We grew up on a rough council estate surrounded by very similar families. Men went to work, went to the pub, came home to watch TV, have their tea and that was that. My friends whose fathers were more involved invariably were better off, I remember being jealous not of their holidays or clothes etc but of how much time their parents spent with them!

'20 or 30 years ago?'

Surely he jests.

Maybe 80 years ago!

20 years ago was nearly the year 2000 FFS.

I'm pushing 60, my dad was born in 1932. He was very hands on. He even pushed my pram, which was unusual in those days. He was playful and I learned to do a lot of things from him. I spent a lot of time with him. After I grew up he spent a lot of time with my younger cousins.

I'm 45, my Dad was very involved and hands on but he was seen as unusual. It was noted that he was 'Good With Kids' and it was commented on.

20 30 years ago. I was an adult 20 30 years ago. Not the bloody dark ages. My Dad is from the wartime generation. I was a kid in the 70s. He was plenty involved and fun and loving. And severe as per his parenting generation. But a big laugh. Affectionate. Encouraging me to do STEM stuff. Taught me ironing and dress making.
Parenting wasn't invented 5 years ago.

My dad was brilliant - he was the parent who did most of that stuff. Role play, lego, dens, grammar, driving the car at the age of 13 round the paddock...

I'm 53. He worked from home (vicar) and was the fun parent. Also a fab grandad - he was happy to change nappies, kick a ball, babysit, everything. He's still an awesome grandad to his mostly grown up grandchildren at the age of 89. He often sends dds at university cheques and lovely letters with recommended books to read. We had a joint party for dh and my dad recently - his friends came too. He recited (by heart) the oyster bit from Alice Through the Looking Glass with great aplomb. He's had a dodgy year - bladder removed at 88 - but he keeps going. And him a miner's son.

My dad's still brilliant. Must tell him more often.

I'm in my 60s my father was a very hands on and loving dad.

Df was v hands on - both practically and emotionally. As were his brothers.

Fil was hands on too - bit strict (bit of 70s smacking I'm afraid) but again both playing/emotionally and practically. Df is lower middle class and fil working class but both in their early 70s. Both lovely grandads although not so practical around nappies etc (who can blame them, they've done 6 kids worth already!)

Both DH and I had one absent grandfather and one who was incredibly hands on and involved. Perhaps didn't do nappies but certainly very domesticated and supportive.

DH and I have v similar attitudes to family so I suspect it's a like attract like thing rather than a generational thing.

My DDad was pretty uninvolved, particularly with my elder siblings. He didn't relate well to children. During the week he was out at work. DM was SAHM and made all decisions at home. It was a stark division of duties, but they worked well as a team. I got to know my DDad much better once I reached my teens.

1970s / 80s, middle class family, London.