"You're allowed to really love your kids now, it was different back then"

[OohMavis]

This is what my dad said to DH yesterday, when it was just them and our children in the house. DH was playing with our 3yo daughter and making her giggle. DH asked him what he meant and he said it was 'just different', men back then (20-30 years ago) just didn't do hands-on parenting, it was almost socially unacceptable to be seen down on the floor engaging with kids. DH said he seemed sad about that.

Do you think he's right? Is it different now? Are fathers "allowed to love their kids" now? Or is it a pretty weak excuse, actually. I had friends whose fathers were amazing, what my dad describes certainly wasn't true for everyone.

I'm not sure "hands on" and doing rough and tumble is necessarily enough though is it? My DP does at least half of nappies, takes baths with the baby (most nights for a year now), has had the baby nap on his chest a million times ... my Dad certainly didn't do these things. But he played with me on the floor and did the token nappy and tickled me and whatever, but it wasn't the same.

My 70s dad was lovely god bless his soul

But his 40s and 50s dad - so true

I am in my 50s so grew up in the 60s and 70s ( lordy that makes me feel old ) and my dad used to do loads of stuff with us when he wasnt working! .
He had a v stressful highflying career but he always made time for us when he could !
He used to take us to the beach or the woods when mum was cooking sunday lunch each week and we would walk for miles and have a great time!
He had a horrible, abusive childhood so had no good role model either so i have so much admiration for him looking back
He certainly wasnt a perfect father but he had a pretty good stab at it .

Certainly not true of 30 years ago. My dad was very hands on, and by all accounts did more than his fair share of nappies.

My dad was so hands on! I'm 37.
He played with us, took us places. My mum worked nights for a bit in a nursing home, I remember my dad taking us all over the place, swimming etc while my mum slept during the day.

Load of old twaddle. I'm sure there were fathers who didn't parent their children back then, but there are plenty now too, believe me!

Not universally true; my dad wasn't like that at all and I am in my mid-thirties. I don't think he was that unusual. Parents of 80s children will have lived through the '60s and '70s... decades not usually known for their emphasis on conservatism or emotional restraint...

i don't think many kids were 'as parented' as they are now, by either parent.

Neither of mine did any of that cuddling / engaging thing, but they had a million children so probably couldn't have, even if they'd wanted to.

This thread is making me really sad. I'm 55, and assumed that everyone of my age would say that their dad was a distant figure, not playful, frankly baffled by their DC.

My dad never played with me. He wasn't hands on

I think that just as it has become more common and normal for women to continue in their careers and work, it has also become more common and expected that Dads should look after their children and play with them more. Which is good in both respects.

I'm 47 and my dad used to play with us all the time

I'm 50 and my dad used to play silly games with us sometimes, but not that often. Very traditional roles - my DM was SAH and DF worked FT and often had to stay overnight away from home.
However DF would have been mid 60s, my toddler DD stayed with them for a week. DF was driving her back (we live a few hundred miles away) and she needed a poo - apparently he took her and wiped her bottom...my DM thought that was funny - said it must have been the first child's bottom he'd wiped...he never did any of his own DCs...

Also, my DGrandad (born 110 years ago) was a lovely warm man who devoted hours to playing with his DGCs. My DMum says he was a very loving and lovable man which, bearing in mind she was born during the war while he was serving away for very long periods, is a real testament to his determination to have a good relationship with his DCs. They use to write the most wonderful letters to each other, which I've been lucky enough to read.

I've never been In my doubt that my dad loved me and we played games and did things together, but I know for a fact he didn't do any nappy changing or cooking of any meals and never took me to school or shopping for any necessities. I was a 70s child.

My ex's theory is that social media has a lot to do with so many men being such hands on dads these days. Being a proper dad who spends loads of time with the kids is now cool.

It's definitely changed from how I remember it (am 38). In fact, it seems to have changed since I had my first child. My eldest is 21, my youngest 6 months. Though perhaps I just keep much better company these days. In fact I definitely do!

I was born mid 70s. My dad was around a lot but many (most?) of my friends dads were out at the football or pub all weekend. Daughters never got taken, sons had to be at least 12 or 15 to go with dad to football (which was not family friendly round here in the early 80s!)

I was a child born in the early sixties and my lovely Dad was quite hands on when it came to playing with me but not really for household chores.

Weirdly, they were much less likely to be denied access to them (thru divorce etc.) as well

My Dad is just an enormous child masquerading as an adult and he loved doing all the rolling on the floor type stuff. He happily changed nappies etc in the 70s, cried when i was born and all that. He was totally shit when his kids got older and formed their own opinions tho. He loves small children and wishes we stayed that way, idolising and giggling with him. Which is why he always has stupid indulged dogs and calls them his 'babies'. Apparently his beloved grandad was exactly the same.

Maybe it's a family thing. I don't remember either of my parents actually playing with me or my siblings.
My mum did the basics ie making sure we were clean, clothed, fed etc, but didn't take us to parks or anything.
My dad would take us out occasionally but was working a lot.

My grandparents were similar (ie mum's parents not doing much but always being kind, dad's parents more strict but willing to interact and take us out).

I do think it's very different now. Parents are expected to get down and play on the floor with their kids, and it's both parents not just mums.

I'm 51 and my dad was very hands on when we were little.
He'd come in after work at 5.30 and take over from mum.
My mum cared for grandma there was no help outside the home back then, you had to care for your own relatives.
He took his turn in everything domestic and had one night out per week to his photography club.

I'm 45 and my dad is 79. He was much more hands on with me than dh is with our dcs, and included me in everything. He had a lot more time though (had a very undemanding job - often joked about going to work for a rest).

I think it was quite unusual to see a man pushing a pram 30 years ago. It would have been notable, anyway.

Even in the early 2000s it was unusual for a man to be a SAHP. I think there were three fathers at the toddler group I went to over almost 5 years.

Horseplay and model making aren't the same thing really, imo.

I was born in the 80's & my dad wasn't hands on at all - but I think that's more about him, as he's always made it clear that he wouldn't help out at all with any grandchildren, he has a big issue with parents who expect grandparents to help out with childcare.

I mean, aren't the same thing as being hands on.

I think it was quite unusual to see a man pushing a pram 30 years ago. It would have been notable, anyway.

No it really wouldn't have been. Very normal amongst my friends. Or carrying them in a sling.