"You're allowed to really love your kids now, it was different back then"

[OohMavis]

This is what my dad said to DH yesterday, when it was just them and our children in the house. DH was playing with our 3yo daughter and making her giggle. DH asked him what he meant and he said it was 'just different', men back then (20-30 years ago) just didn't do hands-on parenting, it was almost socially unacceptable to be seen down on the floor engaging with kids. DH said he seemed sad about that.

Do you think he's right? Is it different now? Are fathers "allowed to love their kids" now? Or is it a pretty weak excuse, actually. I had friends whose fathers were amazing, what my dad describes certainly wasn't true for everyone.

I say 20-30 years ago because that's how old I am, but he became a father a while before that. He's nearly 70 now.

My DP works in the building trade and he frequently gets a ribbing from the older men roughly 50+ for all the 'babysitting' he does. They are talking about him looking after our children it's crazy they say they go home to a cold beer and feet up after being out all day and the likes tbh I have serious doubts about these claims but it shows the mentality.

My DC's are in their 20's and DH thought nothing of playing with them as did the dads of all our friends. Come to think of it my dad did 40 years ago so not correct in my experience.

I don't see any differences between how kids were raised twenty years ago and how they are raised now.

My grandad and dad played with me and my siblings forty years ago as well.

I'm 42 - so child of the 70s My Dad (working class Cockney background) did nappies, childcare - my mum was a nurse and worked lots of nights, took my to parties and play dates, was super hands on. He did the washing and the ironing although round the house was more of the DIY man. Couldn't cook but did all the washing up.

I have loads of happy memories of going to museums and parks with him, he taught me to swim and we went swimming together. Best of all he learnt horseriding so I could go on a pony trekking holiday as I was too young to go unaccompanied

So basically, it's bollocks, you could really love your kids back then.

My dad was born in 1920. He was in many ways very affectionate, in other ways very old fashioned (strict Roman Catholic).

He also was not at all English. I think there are a variety of complicated factors influencing this. Parents tend to love their children, but how they show it is very influenced by a variety of cultural influences and expectations.

Rather sad writing this as he died several years ago.

My dad was born into a mining family in WW2 and I grew up in the 70s. He was very hands on - taught me to swim and ride a bike, helped me make dinosaur models and lego Daleks etc. And he cooked, washed up and hoovered. My grandfathers were the same, keen to play with us and both good cooks and gardeners. All from very working class mining backgrounds in England and Wales. It was a bit of a comedown to learn that not all dads and grandads were so fun.

My dad, in the early 1970s, changed nappies and played Lego endlessly. I miss him.

herecomesthesun

That makes a lot of sense. I think he was just watching how DH was with DD and feeling regretful for perhaps not being the same way when he had the chance.

60-70 years ago maybe. 20-30? No, it wasn't unacceptable to be a good dad...

My DH is in his 70s and was a very hands-on father (from nappy changing onwards) and is the same as a grandparent.
Also capable of cooking, cleaning and ironing.

Depends on the person not the generation.

Girl

My bil claims he never changed a nappy. He's also very proud of it.
I think he's a dick.

also brought up in the 60s by the way, very poor family but not typically working class, both my parents had a lot of aspirations for me and my Dad spoke multiple languages and taught me all sorts of stuff, some Latin for instance.

My mum was read to her every night by her coal miner grandfather in the forties.

I bet there are many kids now whose dads have no interest whatsoever.

It makes me feel so old when people go on about parenting twenty years ago as if it was completely different. DS has only just finished secondary school. Twenty years ago is really not that long a time.

20 years ago? Pmsl. My kids are 23 and 20, total rubbish.

I never said 20 years ago was a long time ago

I'm nearly 50yo and my DDad was (still is) brilliantly hands on and funny and playful. I've always 100% sure of his love. However, I do know that he regrets spending so much time at work when we were little. I don't think there was much he could have done about it. He adores spending time with my DCs now.

My dad was very hands-on in a lot of ways - nappy changing etc, playing with us - but you'd never have caught him pushing a pram. It just wasn't done where we grew up.

That was basically the only thing he wouldn't do though. Carrying us round on his shoulders? Fine. He also taught us all how to swim, read to us every night, took us to museums/plays and stuff like that. He was a miner and worked really long hours, but we always knew he loved us.

He's an amazing grandparent now (so is my mum and my in-laws are too) - the kids idolise him and a lot of him has rubbed off on them. I know he regrets not being able to be there for everything we ever did, but he needed to work the hours he did to keep a roof over our heads.

My father is now in his 80s, he never cooked or changed nappies. He'd do things like build snowmen or a bit of woodwork when it suited him but it was very obvious that his son was his favourite. Once we became teenagers he lost interest.

I think it was less socially acceptable for both men and women to be as child-centric as many families are now. I've had a few conversations with my mum (around the same age as op's dad) who speaks regretfully about not doing some of the things we now do with my dc because she would have been criticised by her mum and friends for spoiling us. Just things like going somewhere just because we asked or buying treats just because.

My dp had a very involved dad, but he describes him waiting until his employees from his labouring company left before helping with the children and housework, like itnwas a shameful secret.

I'm 65 and my dad was very hands on with me, (his 3rd child) mainly because he was unable to be around my older brother and sister, as when they were babies/growing up he was in the army (WW2) and not around.
I think this probably true in a lot of families and perhaps contributed to this misconception, about not being involved.
My Dc's are in their 30's, Dh was/is a very involved parent.

I'm 30 and my dad was brilliant, very involved and my brother and I both have a great relationship with him.

I remember him changing my brother's nappies and pushing him in a pram while I sat on his shoulders. He was around a lot as he often worked 10pm-6am so would look after us when DM went off to her work as a teacher and then sleep when she came home.

However his own dad was much the same- very hands-on, cooked lots and read to my dad and aunt but apparently never pushed a pram! I remember my grandad being very involved when I was little and he used to take me all sorts of places with him (he worked on building sites). He'd have been 90 this year.

I suspect it's personal and not generational, and dads who are interested in their kids have always just got on with it

What utter BS!!! I'm SO bloody angry! This has shag all to do with 'back then' but the person. I'm nearly 55 - my dear Dad (sadly no longer alive), was loving, and as hands on (if not more so) than many father's today.

My mom left my Dad 30 years ago with two primary aged daughters. I never felt he didn't show it. Maybe its a reflection on the parenting he had that he felt like he couldn't act like he seems modern fathers acting. Its really sad