My friend is a problem - AIBU

[friendswithaproblem]

I have a very dear friend I have been close to since primary school, and although in some ways we are close, in others we aren't. I know I haven't explained that well.

When I was in my teens both my parents died. I was 14 when I lost my Mum and my Dad died during my first year at university.

My Dad's death in particular really affected me and I put on a lot of weight, ballooning to over 20 stone at one point. I couldn't buy any clothes and I wouldn't go out as I'd be shouted at. I used to stay in watching films with a takeaway and bottle of Pepsi and continued this habit when I graduated and got my first job.

Some three years after graduating, I bought my first house and I seemed to decide 'new house, new me' and before this I decided I didn't want to be 'fat' and I went on a very strict diet. I lost 10 stone in as many months. But like a lot of very big people I was never satisfied. Looking back I was probably hovering on an eating disorder then as I was obsessed with calories, exercise, and would get very upset if I missed a gym session or felt I'd had to eat more than I wanted. If I blew it even in a tiny way, like if someone gave me a cup of tea with full fat milk in it I'd binge and then be angry at myself.

I also acquired a lot of debt due to clothes shopping. It was like I was trying to cram my youth into a few months. I just got such a buzz out of going into Topshop or Miss Selfridge and buying size 10 jeans.

I think I realised some five years ago how lonely I was but I couldn't approach men. I didn't know any. I tried Online but I just couldn't 'chat' or flirt and I found any interest in me waned quickly.

Meanwhile my lovely friend travelled Europe, she got a fun and interesting job with other young people before training as a primary school teacher, she then met and married a lovely man and now they have a beautiful baby girl and are expecting their second, a little boy due in October. I've always dreamed of having a boy and a girl. They have a gorgeous big house in the country.

I seem to be going through the menopause - it's early but that does run in my family.
I'm so lonely yet I feel meeting someone isn't now possible.
My job is a bit rubbish!

I feel like my friends updates taunt me, like when she whatsapps photos from their day at the beach, the farm, in their beautiful garden.

I'm so jealous it makes me feel sick and I hate myself for it!

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time but your friend is not the problem, she hasn't done anything to intentionally hurt you. Have you been to see your GP, for hormone testing re the early menopause possibility, and to see about accessing counselling for your other issues?

YABU - you friend is not a 'problem'. Your jealousy is.

We all have our own lives and you've just got to be thankful for what you have. If you don't like your job, start thinking about getting a new one (I know it's not as easy as just saying, go get a new job!).

also, get some professional advice on your debts.

But don't take it out on your friend.

I'm not suggesting for a moment "taking it out on her."

Debts are now sorted but it's ruined my credit rating. I can't imagine I will ever have a mortgage.

But you said you bought your first house? How did you do that then?

I felt so sad for you, reading your post. Its awful to lose both parents at such a young age. I would like to say that I think you have done tremendously. You have a degree, you own your own house, you lost the weight you put on. If your parents could speak to you they would tell you how proud they are of you, I am sure. If your were my daughter, that is what I would tell you.

I'm not suggesting for a moment "taking it out on her."

You've called her a 'problem' in this thread - that is indirectly taking out your frustrations on her.

Seconded, @livefornaps

Some three years after graduating, I bought my first house

and

Debts are now sorted but it's ruined my credit rating. I can't imagine I will ever have a mortgage

Doesn't quite fit?

Awwwwwww, you poor poor love.

It can be horrible to see people having things that you want, and getting a man, having babies, getting a fab house etc..... but I am willing to bet that your friends (including the one you are on about,) do not have great, perfect lives.

A lady I know is 48 and has not worked for 5 years due to a chronic illness. She also has one child who she has a great relationship with, and a fairly good marriage. She never ever complains about money. Or anything. From an outsiders view, she has a blessed life.

YET, she and her DH went bankrupt 3 years ago, due to illness and his job loss (he had to take a lower paid job,) they lost their home, lost their credit rating, can't even get a contract phone, and she is always in pain. Also, her daughter suffered mental health issues, and her husband suffered depression. She has also suffered depression on and off for 10 years.

Yet one 'friend' of hers had a go at her when she was feeling low, as she 'has it made' apparently. And 'what do YOU have to be depressed about?'

I think what I am trying to say is just because someone APPEARS to have a 'great life,' they don't necessarily have such a great life. Everyone has their demons, everyone has bad shit going on, and no-one is 100% happy or content. So don't beat yourself up about not having the life you wish you have. And PLEASE don't resent your friends for seemingly 'having it all.'

Love yourself, be kind to yourself, well done with the weight loss, and try and get on top of your monies owing.

What about joining a hobby group? Make new friends, learn new things?

I do wish you a wonderful happy future, and I hope you meet a man who deserves you.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. The bits you see on social media are the edited highlights. I have one dd and we have decided for many good reasons not to have another. I dont even really want another tbh but i still get twinges at my friends and their 'perfect' families. Theyre not perfect though. I have absoutely no family suport. Parents dead and no siblings. I sometimes twinge when i see photos of big extended families. Then i remind myself that when their children were born they had unending family interference and it caused stress. I have none of that. Its ok to feel a bit sad seeing these things but then try and turn it round to find something in your situation to be grateful for. Losing 10 stone in a year takes some extreme discipline and motivation. Try and apply some of that to other areas of your life and there would be no stopping you!
Online dating is hard work but maybe keep chatting online to a minimum and suggest meeting up to do something fun as soon as possible. Not sitting over a meal, that puts pressure on everyone but a cooking class, horseriding, even a sport or a museum ir gallery. It gives you something to chat about as its happening. Dont give up on finding someone, it can happen at any stage of life. I was desperately lonely through my 20s. I had literally no friends. I met my dh online and his sociability rubbed off on me. I joined a crochet club of all things and met my best mate and made several other friends. Loneliness is a killer but dont let it take you over

You want a partner and family, and that is one thing you don't have, by the sounds of it will be difficult, because your going through the early menopause. That is really understandable, sometimes when we are depressed and down, we do think irrationally. Have you sought help from the GP, counselling, CBT that type of thing. Mabey do a hobby, and increase your opportunity to meet a partner.

Despite going through some appalling times, you are still standing, and have singlehandedly sorted out your weight and debt problems. Those are things to be proud of.
Speak to your GP about possible early menopause, and about possible counselling if you feel you need it. Phone them today, get a double appointment if you're discussing both things.
Your credit rating is not destroyed forever, you just need to build it up again - moneysavingexpert.com is a good place to go for advice on this.
Re job, if you hate it, work out what you need to do, whether that's a sideways move to a different department, concentrating on a promotion, or changing career altogether.
Also, people always put their best on social media, and no-one's life is that perfect. Don't compare your behind-the-scenes with other people's highlight reel.

I wish you all the best.

I agree with didyoumeantobesorude. You have actually taken on and accomplished a great deal, you clearly have innate determination. Try not to think so globally, no one can change everything in their life all in one go. Choose one aspect to focus on, from reading your OP I guess that would be expanding your social life. What are you interested in? Find clubs (meetup website/local papers/internet forums) You could even started your own? Focus your determination on this. And yes, go and see about early menopause, I've no idea if it's a possibility but ask about having eggs frozen if your suspicion is correct. In short, take some control back from your emotions! Good luck!

It's possible to buy a house without a mortgage!

But that's not exactly the point here!

Thanks for the lovely replies. I'd never take anything out on friend. I am always so,excited for her, say lovely things, it's only at night when I'm alone I feel sad.

She (and I) aren't on social media in fact.

I wanted to add also, I am terribly sorry you lost your parents young.

That is a hard cross to bear.

I'm also a bit confused about the house part. If you have already bought a house why are you worried about not getting a mortgage? Surely you don't need one now. If you bought your house outright with inheritance and are worried about getting a mortgage for a future, bigger, house just stay in the one you have until your credit rating is sorted.

Also, as others have said, I think the issue is with yourself and not with your friends. Their posts won't be aimed at you at all, they sound like normal photos from weekend activities. If you're really bothered by them then you can unfollow your friends.

I also think it might be a good idea to speak to someone about how you feel. Yes it'd cost you money but it'd be money well spent rather than on more meaningless clothes.

Misery, the first house I bought cost £80,000 and I still live in it. I bought it with money my parents left me.

If you google 'lighter life' Diet, that is what I did. It's a meal replacement plan and it is about a stone a month. Besides don't forget I was very, very big when I first started and so lost lots quickly. I lost nearly a stone in the first week alone. Obviously it slowed down but it was still approx 3lbs a week.

Anything else you'd like to know?

Don’t have social media – its damaging if you are sensitive / unhappy / underconfident etc and even if you are pretty robust (like me) – its intensely irritating. Best thing you could do would be to retain the friendship but kill off facebook / twitter / whatsapp / Instagram etc

Also people present the best version of themselves on social media – I’ve recently discovered that an acquaintance who was forever posting about her wonderful husband and fantastic marriage (when I had facebook – I ditched facebook 12 months ago) has split with this Demi-God of a man

I don't have social media. I don't know why so many people have assumed that's the problem, it isn't, I know social media presents a version of life that isn't real. What makes me sad is that it's my friends real life and it's lovely and I also know under different circumstances it could easily have been mine.

I'm so sorry you lost your parents so young. That's really hard. And I can see why you would feel jealous of your friend.

I hope things start to get better for you x

And re my house - it's very cramped, small, and not in the most lovely of areas.

Maybe I never will have a family and that does look pretty possible so this is all I'll ever need but it doesn't cheer me.

So stay in the house you already own. Why worry about getting a mortgage when you don't actually need one?

Re, Whatsapp messages, you can alter the settings on your phone to not automatically download photos, you then have to manually choose to download them. That way you don't see them.

I still think you'd be best placed to speak to a professional about how you feel though.

Your friend isn't the problem.

The problem here I think is your hormones are playing havoc. You've diagnosed yourself with an early menopause. Have you been to see a GP and had this looked into? Are you making assumptions?

I would also suggest you are depressed - all these comparisons and the way you are viewing life you could do with some CBT. To see the world in a different light you need some therapy. While you think negatively and pour your emotions into comparisons - particularly comparing with your friend I think you'll struggle to meet someone.

You've had it tough but also met and faced major challenges. Next stop some time with your GP and some counselling.

Thanks, I did have therapy after the loss of my parents. I didn't find it all that helpful really!

Do you mean you can't get a mortgage to get a bigger house?

Do you not want to stay in the one you bought ie are you thinking it's too small to be a family home or somesuch?

I think you're extremely lucky to have a house that you own outright, but of course it is very sad that you have it because your parents are dead. I'm sorry you lost them.