Is it possible not to like your own child?

[HBaker]

I don't have children, so I wouldn't know.

Came across this article.

Re the article: it's a cliché but America is a bit like that Re dx and medication. Like everything has a 'cure'.

Agree. Delish is an American site. They are much more like this, about diagnosis etc.

Sophie has an abusive mother who will continue to damage her child for as long as she is allowed to parent her.

This article is a masterclass in Narcissistic parenting.

I think we are being unfair.

SOME ASD children are very self-centred, quite narcisstic really, and often if a world of their own, that is very difficult to relate to, connect emotionally, enjoy that closeness that many of us crave, but some ASD children do not quite have that need.

So some parents find you give, give, give but get little back in return. AND that's hard. Imagine THAT thread. hashtag, just saying!!

Now we accept this, that is can be symptoms of ASD.

But, stop for a second, if the child wasn't ASD, and had those traits, were just self-centred and narissitic, the parents might be on a different section of MN asking for help/guidance/just having a moan about how their parent/brother/husband/child/ex is completely narcissistic and uncaring.

There would/could be a double standard to maybe some of the responses these 2 very different threads would receive, don't you think?

Do you know the more I think about that article the more it annoys me. And I think it's totally disingenuous of her to start it with "I don't like my child". We're supposed to be supportive because you can't help your emotions, right? But you can help your actions. That thing with the unicorn birthday party invitations. I mean she did the right thing, but it sounds like in the past she would have quite happily done like she considered, binning the unicorn drawing and doing her own invitations. That's not about like or dislike, that's just shit parenting. If you think the invite's going to be trashed by the other kids, you try and sound your kid out about how they'd feel if that happened. But this wasn't about Sophie's feelings, it was about her mum's. She didn't want to feel the embarrassment of having a kid who had a hand drawn rainbow unicorn party invite at the age of 9. Well, tough. Yeah, you can't help your feelings. But that doesn't mean you always have to act on them.

God, it's like listening to my mother.

Oblomov I think you're right that people (wrongly) have less sympathy for a parent's frustration if the kid is not NT. But that's not what this is about. That woman isn't detailing a lifetime of trying to accept her kid punctuated with moments of frustration, or the daily grind of trying to get along with a kid who doesn't give much back - her story is peppered with stuff that is just shitty parenting, full stop. Like the unicorn thing. Whether your kid is NT or not, flinging their unicorn picture in the bin and making your own invite is a fucking horrible thing to do. She never seems to consider that her kid might not like her - and would be a damn sight more justified not to like her, too.

And by the way I read your earlier posts and you're nothing like that and I take my hat off to you both for managing and for being honest, but I think you're doing yourself a disservice by defending this woman and implicitly including her in with parents like you. You're better than her.

flinging their unicorn picture in the bin and making your own invite is a fucking horrible thing to do.

But she didn't. However shallow and judgmental she had been brought up to be herself, she remembered what the psychologist had told her.

I resisted the temptation to hide it in the garbage and order glossy invites instead. Color copies of Sophie's rainbow unicorn went out to 45 kids

and then the other parents' responses were an eye-opener for her. Even without a diagnosis.

And Oblomov I take my hat off to you as a parent too - whatever else we've struggled with most of us haven't had to deal with being accused of Munchausen's either.

That article makes very difficult reading.

I completely adore everything about my DC, I can't imagine ever feeling so negative towards her.

Hmmm I love DD very much but between 13-15 I didn't like her very much. She became very bitchy, shallow and was obsessed with popularity and didn't treat her friends well. I still told her I loved her but did pull her up almost daily on the way she was behaving, I was kind of scared of her finding out the hard way by losing everyone. She didn't listen to me and did indeed learn the hard way. She's generally lovely again now.

I think being "well loved" is something that stays with a person throughout their life. It's this tremendous resource. Sometimes you meet people and you just know they had a loving, stable background. I am in no place to criticise anyone's parenting, so all I can do is to speak as a former child who was frequently told "I love you but I don't like you" or that I was like my father's side of the family (whom I knew my mother hated) or even that, if my mother had to choose between saving me and my sister from death, it would always be my sister (yes, she actually said that). Making love something precarious and conditional over relatively petty things does things to your sense of self when you are growing up that are very, very hard to repair later in life.

When they become adults you can certainly go through periods of disliking them for some of the decisions they make

I don't think adult relationships are the subject of this thread or that article, though, right? The case is entirely different where you have two independent, competent parties who have equal self-determination.

I don't understand this thread - She can't help not liking her child.

I think quite a few parents really don't like their DC. That doesn't mean they don't look after them in the best way they can, and they and fake it until they make it.

You can't force yourself to like someone, even your own offspring.

I think it's devastating when a child knows they aren't liked as much/not liked at all by a parent, whether that's up against an amazing sibling or not.

Bottom line is, feelings are hard to hide when you're caring for a child 24/7. Children pick up on simple truths.

You can't make someone like/love something.

One of my little sisters generally looks far prettier and is cleverer/sporty. The other not so and isn't liked as much by quite a few, she's a difficult character sometimes.

That's life. It's shite though, I remember her voicing that she knew she 'wasn't as good' from about age 7. She's 9 now.

But what can you do?

You can 'force yourself' not to slag off your kids to other parents to the extent that the other parents defend your child from you though.

That's moving from 'dislike' into bullying IMO.

Batteries Very true - voicing it to nosey/non loving outsiders isn't on

You can also force yourself not to write an article which the child may come across one day and recognise herself in. And it's not like this is a taboo subject and has never been done before: the internet is full of articles like this by parents who feel getting their feelings heard and validated is more important than anything else. And they each and every one get admired as if they were the first brave person who had ever "spoken out".

Who would like to be the teenager who comes across that article one day and realises that that was my mum, writing about me.

I agree with you corythatwas this woman won't be the last to take to the internet to have their negative but i can't help it feelings validated by responders saying she is brave brutally honest and all the other codswollop they come out with. I don't think she is brave i think she is egotistical and needs help

My son has sensory issues and dyspraxia, and has been extremely difficult at times. Frustrating, infuriating, all those things. Difficult baby, difficult child (he's 10 now)
No, I didn't expect all this when he was born, I thought I'd have a nt kid, like most of us do. But he wasn't, thats life, and that's fine.
He's beautiful, and he's mine. He's part of me (nothing like me though!) and I love him with all my heart.
I found that article incredibly hard to read, as it seems so hard hearted to admit you don't like your child. It's difficult, yes, but you are supposed to love them unconditionally as a mum surely? If you don't get it from your parents, then who the hell is going to love you for you?

And I have to agree corythatwas...

1 of my Dds has a developmental delay (she was prem) has dyspraxia and it is hard, but she is a woman now still has her difficulties is working away and going back to college I am extremely proud of her

Really awful article. The mother had a set, unrealistic idea in her head and when her child didn't live up to it she disliked her. That's awful. Poor little girl :( she's basically rejecting her because she's not perfect - because that reflects 'badly' on her and doesn't let her swam around being super mummy

Poor little girl. At least her dad loves her for who she is :( heartbreaking

I found that article incredibly hard to read, as it seems so hard hearted to admit you don't like your child. It's difficult, yes, but you are supposed to love them unconditionally as a mum surely? If you don't get it from your parents, then who the hell is going to love you for you?

You may be supposed to love your child, but she doesn't. Should she lie about it?

It's sad, yes.

blue yes she should lie about it and fake it so her poor child didn't have an inkling that she's unloved.

kaytee You can't really pretend to love someone to that extent, for that period of time. Children aren't stupid, they'll catch on that you don't really love them at all.

DC would definitely have an inkling that she was unloved, regardless of her faking it or it.