Is it possible not to like your own child?

[HBaker]

I don't have children, so I wouldn't know.

Came across this article.

for everyone

My parents also took against my kids - I remember my dad memorably saying how difficult DS1 was at 9m old, because he didn't like being held by him.

I told him in no uncertain terms labelling a baby as 'difficult' reveals the adults problem not the child's. It's not 'difficult' for a 9m old not to want to be held by a random old man he'd only seen three times in his life before.

Some people just want to make it all about them, and if they aren't immediately happy with the situation then there must be a failing in the people around them. That's what this author reminds me of.

There's far more 'wrong' with the mother in that article than there is the child. It's not normal to dislike your child from birth, if she had been honest with health professionals about her feelings she probably would have been treated for PND. The poor child was probably anxious because her mother didn't love her, children are very perceptive.

But, how do you explain the fact that a woman, can feel this way about one dc but not about another.
This woman struggled with dd1 but not dd2.

This is like 'Lets talk about kevin'. the mum in that is heavily criticised.

The 2nd Dd was strong and healthy and probably a cheery little thing so the mother took to her instantly where as Sophie was small and weak so the mother was repelled by her.it is all very odd she disliked her from birth

The mum had a strong healthy bouncy baby perception from pregnancy

I'm sure it's fairly common. I once overheard a conversation between exh and his sister in which they each said basically they couldn't see what the big deal was about having children and they didn't feel very attached to their respective toddlers. My SIL said she really didn't like her daughter, who was a toddler at the time. SIL then went on to employ one of her friends as the daughter's 'nanny' (she had no training whatsoever) purely on the basis that the friend and the daughter didn't like each other at all, so it would 'keep her in line'.

Her insight and the fact that she really tried to set things right is impressive. But bloody hell, she sounds horrible.

Some children are easier to parent than others. So if you get one child who cries a lot and one who doesn't, for example, it's easy to see how - if you're superficial - you end up 'liking' the 'easy' one more than the 'difficult' one.

Or, you might have a child that slept through from 6weeks and one that is up three times a night for years and years. You might like the sleeper more and explain it away by saying I find it easier to parent when I'm not tired.

It's just selfishness really.

I have no sympathy for this woman. She's a narcissistic muppet who dreamed out an ideal daughter worth of her attention and love and when then didn't happen, she withdrew it.
I feel very sorry for the poor child.

I'm quite confident my cousin doesn't like her 10yo DD.

Her DD is quite chubby and is hyperactive and attention seeking, but the reason for both is that she has never had her emotional needs met by her mother. She's not genetically overweight; she comfort eats. She's not genetically hyperactive etc. she just knows nothing different than getting in your face and being loud to get attention.

My cousin never acknowledges her existence and palms her off to people at the first opportunity. She palmed her off to her father in a different state for this whole year, and has mentioned her a grand total of once on Instagram/FB (she's an Insta/FB addict) since January. Of the hundreds of photos she's posted, there's just one of her daughter. It shatters the rest of the family's hearts because it's so blatantly clear and it's only a matter of time before her daughter realises.

Where can I read this article?

Doh found the link in op

I have an acquaintance with a child who is disabled, and her reaction to the disability has been to get incredibly angry with the child for interfering with the middle class course of her life.

A lot of the things she writes about her (very publicly, on Facebook) come over as full of loathing and anger. Instead of celebrating her as different, she is embarrassed by her. To make matters worse, she has another child who Can Do No Wrong. It's like a very extreme version of the golden child/scapegoat. I found it so sad I had to mute her on Facebook.

Disliking a newborn takes a special type of person. Just because the tiny baby she was presented with wasn't a big robust 9lber I am still trying to figure out how that would be a problem.
The writer seems to have decided the childs life choices what they will do and say and react at every given moment and because the little girl was her own person she disliked her. Only when the little girl was "fixed" was the writer able to like her child.
I think the writer needs help. I would be interested in how she reacts to people who have a disability who maybe are shy or a little introverted or maybe have different interests to her own.
Ds developmently was way ahead of other children but had little speech till he was nearly 4 years old, still in nappies . He is at least 2 years academically behind and being a summer baby he is probably around 3 years adrift. I will help him all I can but I couldn't imagine not liking him because he couldn't read till he was 12 he is who he is and my children are my best friends.

My parents have never taken to me or my brother. I am stuck with their company more now that I have children, my brother has been put off ever having any children by our childhood and has whittled it down to biannual visits for a few hours.
As a result I suppose I am very quick to discard friends or relationships as I know what a waste of time it is to try to get someone's attention when it's not there.
Just hope those unliked children have someone in their lives who loves and accepts them (as not liking is a sign of a cold broken and unfeeling adult with no love to give).

I have a friend with three kids and she's never said it outright but I suspect she doesn't like the middle child.

She's never once said anything positive about her and when I compliment her on something she replies with 'you don't see what a bitch she can be'

Consequently I find myself siding with this poor kid when we go to see them- I do worry if this will affect her on the future

Superbeagle

Trust me, your niece already knows. Perhaps not consciously. But she will have known for a loooooong time. I have very early memories of my childhood. What I remember is thinking my mother spending time with me was a privilege and that I had to behave in a very rigid way to get her approval. This was preschool age. I started school as soon as I was 4 so I must have been 3 at the most.

My mum often said the 'I love you, but I don't like you (at the moment)' and I also found this really hurtful. I was a lot less popular than my DSis so feeling like my own mum didn't like me (even when I was being a teenager - depressed and emotional but pretty well behaved generally) made me feel like I wasn't worthy of being liked by anyone. It's taken me years (late 30s) to realise I don't have to be 'grateful' for people being friends with me and they get something from the friendship as do I.

My DM is an extrovert and I'm an introvert and she finds my extrovert DSis much easier. DM said to me when my DS was being a high needs baby, 'Now you see how much easier it is to like them when they are easy' which cut me to the quick as it basically confirmed what I had known for years (that I was the scapegoat). In fact, although I only have one child not by choice, I was worried if I had another and they were easier I would risk liking or living them more and I never wanted that for my child so that's one silver lining! I know many people manage to like and love children equally but with my genetics I was genuinely worried history would repeat itself.

for you scipio. I also got the "I love you but I don't like you" line. It was clearly A Thing back in the day. Anyone know where it came from? I can't imagine a parent saying it now (I would bloody well hope it has become as antiquated as dial telephones fixed to the wall now are!)

To me, she was trapped in her own strange world, driven by her own mysterious motivations, and hopelessly incapable of being normal

That says it all, doesn't it? Vile woman, vile attitude, vile article.

I think that there is a genetic reason for not bonding with a weak baby at birth. From a historical point of view it would having been devastating with a high infant mortality to kind with every child at birth.

At least this was the logic presented to me when I had twins and instantly bonded with the healthy looking one and whilst I didn't reject the other, the guilt I felt (mixed with extreme sleep deprivation) really messed me up.

By 3 months we did have a bond and I'll admit I overcompensated before that point,

Full disclosure - I didn't like DD for the first few weeks of her life. I took care of her, kept her warm, kept her safe. I kept my mouth shut and played my part. It wasn't until I found myself wondering who to leave her with while I went to jump in front of a train that I realised there might be a problem.

PND made me dislike her. I got help (MN kept me alive) and a few months down the line I adore her with a passion I didn't think possible.

I didn't dislike her, I was unwell. I worry that those weeks will have impacted our attachment but so far she's a lovely little girl who loves her mommy.

Disliking a child because they don't meet your expectations? Been there.

As in DM disliked me I mean.