Is it possible not to like your own child?

[HBaker]

I don't have children, so I wouldn't know.

Came across this article.

Oops, posted too soon

Sometimes you have to work at bonding with your child but I saw this as one of my jobs as a parent. Clearly the woman writing the article didn't feel the same and I find that sad.

I suspect this is more common that we think. I hear a lot of people talking about how they want a girl and look forward to going shopping for clothes together, or a boy as they love football. And I always think, what if your child does not fit into those pictures you are painting in your head?
All children are individuals who may be very different from you, and have very different interests. I feel sorry for the girl.

I had PND with dd1 for a long time I have had feelings of guilt that my pnd shaped her personality because i wasn't ill with dc2 and they are a happier personailty Btw i do like both my children just that thought crops up from time to time.

Flapjackfairy

My mother used to say that! She still says it (not about me now but referring back to when I was younger) like it's such a brilliant motherly thing to say. When I suffered PND a few years ago it haunted me that I wasn't likeable or I did things that weren't liked.

She also used to say that she accepted me for who I was. Like I'm not great but she'll put up with me anyway. She may have felt like that but I wish she had not expressed that to me.

My mother is actually a kind woman who wants to do her best but I think it just highlights the impact words can have. I think so carefully about the words I use with my children although I expect there's loads I say or do that upsets them without my knowledge. 😞

O.K. , well. I have a bit of sympathy for her. I come from a very loving family and am still very close to my mum. She made it look so easy, with the 3 of us, that I was naieve about how hard parenting was.

Ds1 was the easiest baby ever, Gina Ford would have been amazed at his 4 hourly feeds on the dot!! But I later, then found him very puzzling because he didn't adhere to any of the rules, no 'baby whisperer, 'how to talk' rules applied.

Ds2 arrived and he screamed constantly. But I found him much easier. Eventually, my mum insisted I got ds1 checked out and he was diagnosed ASD. But school disputed this and I was accused of munchausens.

I still find ds1 hard. Ds2 is easier. But my protective hackles go up, like a rocket, if anyone ELSE criticises Ds1!! But ds1 has bought me to my knees and I have sobbed, until I had no tears left. The lack of support and isolation that you feel if you have a difficult child, you couldn't possibly explain, unless they been there themselves.

BUT, on the SN board, there are many mums with children much worse than my situation, and they seem to feel no resentment. I am humbled by them, and wish I could be more like them.

How do we KNOW she didn't work at bonding?
I worked and worked and worked at it, and I continue to do so. I take my motherly/maternal duties VERY seriously. AND I would claim, that whilst having made many mistakes, and at certain points giving up and thinking I cant do this anymore, generally I still maintain I have sincerely tried. A LOT.

My Parents don't like me. The have said it to my face - "we don't like you". I don't think my Dad has ever liked me. He is a control freak, who is passive aggressive. He talks awful things about me to everyone and has no qualms telling my child he is a loser and anything negative he can think of. We can't do anything without snide comments from him and my Mum.

He likes his other Children. Even though they fight etc with him. They are always talked of nicely and the happiness he shows them when he sees them or their children, is the opposite of my child and I.

I've never done drugs, don't drink, don't smoke, am an honest hardworker etc. I think I am just the scapegoat for my Parents. No one else is treated like my child and I are.

So yeah, parents can dislike their children.

Flossy that's awful! Especially as you have been singled out. Why do you still see them and expose yourself and your child to their disgusting behaviour?

My eldest was how the writer describes Sophie. I had a traumatic birth and PND then he was diagnosed with additional needs. They can't be fixed with growth harmones though .
By comparison my youngest had a good birth, slept better and has met all his milestones easily.
I love them both the same but I have more compassion for my eldest. Small things he achieves are worth millions. I feel so sad she could only accept Sophie because she had a medical condition that could be fixed. Thank god it sounds like her husband loves Sophie so at least she isn't scape goated by both for being less than perfect.
And yes I can appreciate that she is being honest but I totally believe you fake it to make it in this situation. The damage she will do/ has done Sophie is very, very sad.

Heartbreaking. That poor little girl. If she's not scarred for life it's because of her wonderful father.

This so called mother sounds appalling to me. How on earth can you openely criticise any child let alone your own? To do so to the point your best friend pulls you up about it is beyond me.

Luckily children don't have these predudices and will still love a parent no matter what.

I can't help but feel I feel this diagnosis hadn't been made she would still feel dislike and negativity.

My mum's never really liked me, I'm just not the person she wanted me to be and that was met generally with a whole lot of nastiness and resentment.

i can understand how people can dislike parenting more so than the child. i myself don't enjoy it at all and would happily go back to a life without kids. but it doesn't mean i don't care and love them if they got hurt i would hurt.

i don't like being ignored or repeating myself, being spoken to like shit, listening to bickering all day, not being appreciated, tidying up after people old enough to do it themselves and trying to give good advice that do seem to sink in. if this was a neighbour, friend or family member its much easier to tell them to fuck of and walk away or stop/reduce contact but you cant when its your dc. so i think in my case it starts to grate on me it does make me not like them or more so being a mum.

I go through phases, I love them dearly but sometimes.....

my mum never told me she loved me, no hugs, very little contact really. wasn't interested in anything i done. she still doesn't care or have interest in my dc either. i guess she didn't like me or being a mum altogether. but i understand as i don't enjoy being mum all the time.

I think a PP nailed it.

It's possible to dislike parenting and the monotony of toddlers and children. It's possible - easy even, to be drained by them.

That's not what this mother is doing: she rejected Sophie because she was small and weak she was a fucking baby and disliked her openly. Horrible article. Poor Sophie.

happyfrown I'm with you... I think you're right there.

I can often feel like the worst mother in the world to my quite difficult nearly 9 year old... But then as soon as the day is done and she is in bed I question MYSELF and only myself on how I've dealt with her behaviour and the guilt is awful.

Being a mother can be a rough ride for a lot of women - my mental health has definitely taken a hit these last few years... just because this isn't the case for lots of parents doesn't mean those who struggle should be vilified. If anything more support is needed so people are able to talk about these issues openly and get the help they need. Not to become 'parent of the year' but do their best not to totally fuck up their DC and their own mental health too.

It's not intuitive and unconditional for all of us.

My mother disliked me. There was a lot of envy and projection going on. Told me, deliberately (she kind of drew breath before saying it), that she hated me when I was 17 or 18.

I love and adore my three children. The two older ones are old enough to have developed, like all people, aspects to their personality that I really don't like, that get on my nerves and which I am keen to help them overcome, mainly because I know that if they are allowed to become entrenched they will make their lives harder. I do criticise these aspects, as specifically and constructively as possible. And I do occasionally succumb to outbursts of exasperation. I also praise as specifically and constructively as possible and shower all of them with love and affection and make my pleasure in them plain to see.

I hope they'll be OK.

I have sympathy with the author. Dd is exactly like her Sophie although dd does have a diagnosis of ASD. Love her to pieces but her personality just isn't all that likeable. However, (with the exception of this thread) those feelings remain in my head. I would never ever criticise dd or anything she does, and defend her 110% to anyone and everyone and I would do absolutely anything for her.
Not liking your child is no excuse to criticise them especially in front of them.
I don't always like the people I work with or clients but I still smile and am kind and polite. It's called being a grown up

Poor Sophie. That was hard to read.

My mother was the type to say 'I love you' very often while making it clear that my entire personality (shy, sensitive, intellectually curious, and not remotely 'cool') was a disappointment and that I should try to change myself completely to be more like her. I didn't feel loved.

I don't think parents can help what they feel, but they can refrain from telling their children about it, or making blog posts about it.

Disgusting article as basically the mum is saying she dislikes her child as she isnt NT.

I think essentially... most of us hope they will be ok too. I think whether or not we achieve that is another thing but that's why honesty and openness about these issues is key. Saying that - I know I only have a couple of mum friends who I can really talk to about these sorts of things without fear of judgements.

My mum gave me and my siblings a very happy childhood - she made it look a complete breeze and I have nothing but happy memories from this time in my life. Where things really started going wrong was my teen years. My parents were just completely out of their depth and made a lot of mistakes with my unruly and challenging teenage self. As much as I could blame them for what was a really fucking miserable time of my life, I appreciate they had no rule book, no Internet forums for support and similar scenarios and that they loved me very very much but made a lot of mistakes in their parenting.

Now, when family members refer to the awful teenage me, I feel brave enough to say 'actually mum and dad made a lot of mistakes too' and it surprised me that they sort of accepted this wisdom.

Is it possible not to like your own child?

Yes, but you are supposed to look for the good in your own child and foster it. You don't have to like everything about your child but there's always something to like.

I suspect my mom didn't like me too because I was a fat kid.

That's really sad. You must have had so many other likable qualities that should be more important to your mother than your size or shape.

As with the original article, a lot of the not-liking is about your mother dumping her own issues onto you. I imagine that at the same time as getting medication for her DD, the mother in the article is learning to stop viewing her through the lens of failure, she has at least recognised that her feelings are her own issues and not an objective judgment on her DD, and she is starting to learn how to like her DD for who she is and not just for who she wants her DD to be (for example she now accepts that her DD still has limited communication). So I wouldn't judge the mother in the article as harshly as some people here because liking your child is not always something that happens all at once, learning to like her child is a process and this mother is still in the middle of it.

But your own mother may never have got anywhere near that much understanding, never recognised or tried to repair the damage she did, and just left you feeling bad about yourself

Oh FWIW I love my mum and dad and feel completely loved in return, in spite of those dark teenage years.

The scary thing is what that kid's life would have been like if they hadn't got a diagnosis. It's like now that she has a doctor's note for not being a carbon copy of her mother, that's the only reason the woman's finally going to leave her alone.