Is it possible not to like your own child?

[HBaker]

I don't have children, so I wouldn't know.

Came across this article.

I didn't suggest abuse at all, I remarked that she assessed her DC against strange and rigid standards and found her lacking, for example, not being 'cool' or physically strong. Those are not typical aspects which cause a parent to dislike even a child's behaviour, let alone the child the self.

Penggwyn

I'd argue actually she has mistreated her to a certain extent. She's been so negative about her that those around her have pulled her up on it. I haven't re-read the article but I'm fairly sure she's admitted to being ashamed of some of the things she's said to her too. I'm not mother of the year but I'm don't think it's true to assume the daughter hasn't suffered for her mother's feelings for her.

From the article, on how she feels:
I felt guilty that I was basically repelled by my own child. Who wouldn't? But honestly, the guilt was overshadowed by a colossal sense of disappointment.

The article is also titled in the present tense, not that she used to dislike the DD, and the DC is now 9 - how long before the child gets to hear about what her mother feels about her (even if names are changed, it surely would be quite likely someone would recognise that family from it?)?

I like my kids - a lot - love is unconditional, like is not, but they are great kids.

I can sometimes hate the behaviour being displayed, but I still, on average, like them.

One of the difficult things I found about that article is that the mother is thankful that she has "fixed" the daughter with medication. I can't help but wonder what that child's life would be like if there was no "fixing" - what if she did have a lifelong condition that resulted in different behaviours. What if she was simply just different? I don't think this article shows much love never mind "like".
My son has a condition that results in visual impairment. When he was diagnosed we went through a period of mourning for the child we thought we would have and worried (and continue to worry) about the challenges he will face. But I've never disliked him because of his differences.

I found that article very hard to read. Poor little girl. Having a mother who feels like this about you must be toxic.

The mother is clearly one of those extroverts who thinks everyone else should be - and is totally obsessed with other peoples approval (the childs drawing invites are not a success because the child is happy, but only because other mums say they like them, etc). She seems to have only wanted a child who is a mirror of herself - extremely self centered.

I can understand loving but not liking the adult person a child grows up to be (which must be very difficult), but not liking a baby?

I'm sure I read once that it is the child that is hard wired to want love and affection from a parent figure and not the mother to love the child, because not all mothers do.
Mine did not, still does not, I however crave her approval even now into middle age.

Is it possible? Yes I should imagine so.
I like mine, but sometimes I dislike how they're behaving - fighting or being rude - fair enough. However I do like them as people too- they have many great qualities and above all they're my kids,
As for the article - the mum put so much pressure on herself to have a 'perfect' DD and when the DD had problems, she couldn't cope as she wasn't the child she imagined she'd have.
Our kids are their own selves & while we may have 'wanted' an outgoing, strong, popular, pretty child, we get what we're given. I've had to learn that a bit myself with my own children - not like I've behaved like the woman - but it's hard to understand your kids when they are so different from you in personality.

I know these are her feelings about Sophie but good god she is harsh her being dissapointed in her weak child is going to stay with Sophie forever she will know i think children can sense these things I don't know if I agree that it is ok to dislike your child very strange woman.

I read this fully prepared to sympathise with her but I thought her attitude was disgusting, confirmed by the fact her friend saw exactly what she was doing and reprimanded her for it and her husband felt the need to write a defense of her, clearly because he thought her justifications in the article weren´t enough (as they´re not).

She was dancing for joy when she found out her child had a medical problem because it made her feel like she could now try and fix the things she didn´t like about her child? Wow. And she likes the child more now because she conforms better to what her mother originally wanted (gymnastics etc)? Good God.

This woman shows no insight into herself and precious little change in her mental attitude.

I´m not the world´s best mother but christ on a bike I´m not that bad!

I read this fully prepared to sympathise with her but I thought her attitude was disgusting, confirmed by the fact her friend saw exactly what she was doing and reprimanded her for it and her husband felt the need to write a defense of her, clearly because he thought her justifications in the article weren´t enough (as they´re not).

She was dancing for joy when she found out her child had a medical problem because it made her feel like she could now try and fix the things she didn´t like about her child? Wow. And she likes the child more now because she conforms better to what her mother originally wanted (gymnastics etc)? Good God.

This woman shows no insight into herself and precious little change in her mental attitude.

I´m not the world´s best mother but christ on a bike I´m not that bad!

This mum is always going to be comparing her youngest to her eldest and no amount of growth hormone is going to change Sophies personality i just think it is really sad poor Sophie.

This made me feel sick. What a horrible woman

Maigrait I agree with you she wasn't prepared to accept her own failings as a person but just wanted to "fix" Sophie.

Jeez sorry Margarit

Sadly, not all mothers love their dc unconditionally. This isn't imo about whether she liked her child. It's about her inability to love unconditionally. She's not able to see her dc as individuals in their own rights and compares them to herself. Her child not doing what she thought she should embarrassed her. Her friend probably spent a lot of time thinking about how she would tackle it. At least she is aware of it to some extent and has sort of tackled it... Though she needed a diagnosis to justify her feelings.

I don't think mothers with these narc traits can really help what they do. It's behaviour they learnt from their own mothers. But her friend and another lady at toddler group opened her eyes to it as did the psychologist she saw. So she can now moderate her behaviour towards her dd.

I think it's interesting she talked about her own mother and how she had to behave a certain way to get praise. I think perhaps she was a golden child, and subconsciously she was looking for her own golden child to reflect praise back on her.

I think part of the problem is that people believe you can control everything including choosing the child you have or moulding them exactly into the child you want them to be.
It is natural to feel disappointment that you won't experience some of the things you hoped to experience but people should be able to separate that from disliking their child.
I think this mother needed help early on with her feelings.

Sadly, not all mothers love their dc unconditionally. This isn't imo about whether she liked her child. It's about her inability to love unconditionally. She's not able to see her dc as individuals in their own rights and compares them to herself. Her child not doing what she thought she should embarrassed her.

I started to type a long reply and then read this. Which perfectly sums up the relationship I had with my mother.

She didn't love me either and felt quite justified in not doing so. So much so that she was quite open about it really. She sought sympathy from others for having such an unloveable child.

I am NC with her now.

So, yes, quite possible.

Yes I think she needed to get help for her own feelings a lot quicker than she did and tbh I don't really think she accepted her feelings and actions as terrible

I have a child who is a lot like 'Sophie' and it's damn hard. There are times when I struggle to be a parent and reading the article was refreshing in some ways because I am not alone in my struggle. Where we differ, though, is that I hate the behaviour I have to deal with but I totally and utterly love my child.

Sometimes you can love a child without liking them. Obviously you like them sometimes but there are odd occasions when you really don't like them and I think we've all felt like that on occasions; love but not like. The issue is the separation of the behaviour from the child; the dislike of the behaviour. There have been times when I've told my child "I hate your behaviour but I love you"

I'm not proud of that.

that article was very sad. Sophie will be on Muma net in years to come talking about her narc mum who obviously favoured her more outgoing sister
🙁

Horrible article. Horrible woman. Her poor child.

My parents never liked me and they would have justified it away too as me being 'difficult'. If you aren't prepared for a 'difficult' child you shouldn't become a parent IMO. It's like getting on whatever the next train is to come into the station but confidently believing it will take you to where you want to go. If you aren't prepared for difference and challenge, don't have kids at all.

I have a child who is "difficult" she was uber sensitive and stubborn she exhausts me even as an adult but it is who she is. We can find parenting hard dislike behaviour et c etc but to dislke your child because you perceive them as weak and strange that has to be your problem from the start not your childs

My parents never liked me and they would have justified it away too as me being 'difficult'

BAtteries my parents did that too