I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

GetaHairCutCarl - agree.

I also don't think that women and men are fundamentally hugely different in what they want out of life... I know dh and I both value the same things; family life, having some down time for our own hobbies and each pursuing our chosen work life. Many of our friends want the same thing.

Certainly my DH would shudder at the idea that he should give 110% to work. Or drop everything at a moments notice.

I mean he really likes his job and earns a truck load but 110%? Nah.

He also likes cooking and watching the footie and walking the dogs and hanging out with DC. Just normal stuff.

Mrsmartello- what do you actually mean when you say the unpaid work you do isn't valued? Presumably your dh values the work you do in the home? (As presumably you value the work he does, despite your didparaging remarks about 'work/consume/die)
Presumably your mother values the help you give her?

Who else do you expect to get approbation from? Genuine question.

FWIW I worked only 3 days a week when I had 3 small dc. I cared for them at home and did the domestic stuff and cooking on the other 2 weekdays (we shared weekends)
My dh appreciated and valued what i did. I didn't expect or need anyone else to say they valued it because frankly that's not relevant. It was beneficial to me and our family alone- didn't make the slightest difference to anyone else. I'm not suggesting it's ok to denigrate it either, because it isn't. But surely it's a neutral thing? Just as when I do my housework or cook the dinner now, it would be odd if anyone looked down on me for that, but equally I'd find it odd if people thought it was worthy of congratulation.

I don't expect approbation from anyone
I just live my life

But according to some my life is not useful/relevant because I do not earn a wage
(Or at least I earn a very small one)
Seriously...check our some threads on here...eye opening
I wouldn't say I am consumerist tbh
Just not my bag so to speak
I'm a bit meh about "stuff"

But Mrsm I don't expect any one to be sole financial provider either

Anyway op
Hope you find that balance
It's tricky

I certainly value the domestic chores I outsource.
Not only in terms of appreciation ( and I really do appreciate the people that do them for me ) but in monetary terms because DH and I hand over cold hard cash for them.

Just because you don't do something yourself doesn't necessarily mean you don't value it. Though I would concede that far too many men place too little value on domestic tasks.

I didn't expect it either
Just how life turned out...
Had ds1 not been so poorly at birth
Had ds2 come along sooner (multiple mc sadly)
Had my own health not taken a nose dive
Had my mum not become ill....then maybe things would be different
It is what it is

I would agree eith you there Carl!

Getahaircutcarl- I agree, and from my experience of MN, I think sometimes some women who have partnered domestically useless husbands, take out their feelings of being undervalued to the wrong audience. (Disclaimer: not pointing the finger at anyone on this thread, it's just a general observation)

If a SAHM isn't happy with the lack of value or input her partner has re: domestic things, then she needs to have the conversation with him. As everyone keeps saying, it's down to each couple to create the life they want. And that works both ways... if the WOHP begins to find the pressure of being sole earner unreasonable then it's time to re-negotiate. These things aren't fixed in tablets of stone, and indeed it pays to retain flexibility because any of us can get sick, redundancies happen etc.

Getahaircutcarl - I completely agree with your post about neither dh or me wanting to work 110%- bugger that! Quite happy to do my job and do it well but there's a whole range of other stuff in life which we both want a slice of.

Gosh what terrible conundrums some people have...ahem.

stopped

Yes first world problem and quite irritating to be honest. However if you want my 2 cents, just do what you want. You're lucky enough to have the choice. I'd not work given the choice either. Not sure why you need strangers to validate your decision though.

I can't help feeling pissed off reading this thread. Me and OH both work, me part time, for the NHS. I would love to be a SAHM but there is no way we can afford it. In fact I could do with in increasing my hours as we are always skint! I know I'm being bitter but we both work hard for very little pay and reading how some of you live and still complain really grates my cheese. Get a fucking life

No Airbnb guest means you'll have a spare bedroom. How about getting a graduate / student in to live rent free in return for 15 hours a week after-school childcare/ chauffeuring and chaperoning and a bit of cooking.

Clarkl2...exactly.

BigRedMama don't make assumptions. I live in my own house which I bought outright because I relocated to a much, much, much cheaper area. I'm also single so I'm not relying on anybody to raise my lifestyle up. My lifestyle is what it is. I feel bad for you that you're bitter. I was very unhappy when I was working full time as I knew deep down I was compromising my authenticity and only working ft in a misguided attempt to win the approval of people who think like you

Actually, you sound depressed. Although I'm tempted to resign, I do love my job and it gives me purpose. I don't need to work, but I know that if I'm at home I just get bored. Don't have a job to prove things, have one where you feel you use your skills. Don't be ashamed to stay at home if that's what you want. Feminism fought for equality but don't let it make you feel obliged to do something just to be something you don't wish to be. It was about providing opportunities,not taking them away from you.

I think there's a bit of projecting here. Other people shouldn't assume that just because they would be bored, or would regret giving up their careers, that the the original poster would.

Ultimately if your husband is able to cover all your family financial commitments and is happy to do so, then if you think giving up work will make you happier, then that's your call. The only things I would urge you to consider if you were a close IRL friend would be this:-

1. Is your husband definitely going to be okay with it? Or will it long term cause resentment that you are having a much more relaxed lifestyle than he is whilst he has all the stress and pressure of covering all the bills himself.
2. Could the situation also be resolved by getting a cleaner etc and cutting back your work hours further, thus having more of a work/life balance?
3. The feminism issue - whilst I agree with others that feminism is ultimately about having choices, I do get where you are coming from to an extent...it's also about being a role model for your kids and wanting to practice what you preach. This is one of the main reasons I plan to keep working after I've had my baby - even if my husband does earn a lot more than me - I don't want my kids to grow up learning by example that dad's go out and make all the money, and mum's stay at home and look after the kids. If this is what you mean by having feminist concerns about giving up work, then they may be valid.

Ultimately it's a matter of priority for you and your family though. Good luck whatever you decide. Xxxxx

It's enlightening to hear how people really feel.

Wow
That escalated!
🤔