WIBU to add two hours to DB's journey?

[ncbacktoblack]

My DB is a fair bit younger than me but we are very close. This is going to be long but all relevant so please tell me the best thing to do!

He's is coming home today after completing his 4 year uni course. Uni is about 300 miles from home and we live rurally with bad public transport (he doesn't drive).

Our nearest train station is 3 miles away, but he chooses to go to one 10 miles away because it's 'easier' and has always just expected my DM to pick him up. He doesn't ask, just tells her where he'll be and what time.

He doesn't tell us in advance, even though he buys his ticket weeks in advance. Today we have just heard 'Train will be in at 7pm'. DM and I both have plans (it is Saturday night after all). He hasn't texted me at all to let me know, I only know through DM.

If he doesn't get picked up he will have a 15 min walk, a bus journey that will drop him at 20:30, and then a 30 min walk up a very steep hill with a heavy case.

If he'd gone to the train station 3 miles away he would have a 10 min bus ride and 5 min walk home. But he doesn't like it because the train journey is 'too long'.

WIBU to just leave him to make his own way home? I feel mean, but I'm so so fed up of his entitlement. He never asks for a lift or says thank you, and he's fast developing into one of these men I see so often on mumsnet who ignore the 'mental load' of running a house i.e. just standing there looking gormless until you ask him to do something. But that's a whole other thread!

He could get a cab too for £25ish. But he's bemoaning having no money despite me lending him a lot just 2 months ago so I doubt he'll do that.

What should I do?

He's an adult. Leave him to sort out his own journey.

Yup I'd let him make his own way !

Tell him to ring a cab when he's at the bottom of the steep hill.

Leave him to it. He will soon learn to ask if someone can collect him and what their terms for the favour are.

Hes been away at uni for 4 years and noone can put themselves out for 30 minutes to pick him up? Yabu

Araiwa they both have plans.

Yup tell him "sorry me and Mum have plans until X time - wish you'd given us notice when you booked your ticket. Here's a no for a taxi from X (bottom of hill). See you at home"

Hes been away at uni for 4 years and noone can put themselves out for 30 minutes to pick him up? Yabu

And here we have the reason why some of these lads become so entitled.

araiwa I don't think op means he's returning home after not being home for 4 years. Just that this is the 4th year of pulling this man-child entitled crap

araiwa every single semester this happens. He just expects us to travel 30-40 mins instead of the 10 which would have no traffic because it's easier for him. And doesn't say thank you, pick up a hoover, or cook a single meal while he's here.

araiwa I don't think op means he's returning home after not being home for 4 years. Just that this is the 4th year of pulling this man-child entitled crap

Exactly. He's not fucking Odysseus.

I think it depends if your plans genuinely can't be adjusted slightly to allow you or DM to collect him at 7 (and presumably still be home and able to go out at 730ish) or if you are trying to 'teach him a lesson' to prove a point?

If it's the former then YANBU, if it's the latter then that seems a bit mean (and I'd say exactly the same if he was female)

Humping all your wordy belongings on and off various trains can be exhausting and I'd have been slightly pissed off if my parents had done this to me after 4 years at Uni!

Does he have a key to get in?

He may not have told you exactly what train he was coming on but did you know he was coming back today?
If I was your DB coming home from uni and both my mum and sister had planned to be out I think I'd be pretty upset.

He's messaged his mum not you so you don't need to get involved at all surely. I have two DSs at university and frequently drive to the uni towns and/or collect them from mainline stations. As far as I know most of their friends parents are similar. If one of my DSs was returning having just graduated and I wasn't going to be around I'd pay for a cab for sure but that's for your mum to decide.

RedSkyAtNight at first it was Wednesday, then he was 'leaning towards' Saturday, and heard nothing since. Given his unreliability we decided to make our own (separate) plans. I'd be annoyed to cancel my one night off this week only for him to not turn up (likely!)

As much as I would usually agree with him making his own way - whenever I visit my hometown I have a similar situation. A train to a further away station costs me half of what it would cost to get to my home town, as well as being quicker. For someone to pick me up from there is a 15 minute drive. So sometimes as much as it is annoying it is actually better!

However there is no excuse for not saying please/thank you for a lift. That definitely needs to be addressed!

If the train he gets is direct I can kind of see his point - I used to do practically anything to avoid changing trains with heavy suitcase/musical instrument/assorted baggage.

And I knew people were happy enough I was coming home that they wouldn't mind picking me up.

However I'd always give lots of notice and try to book a train that suited them, so he's in the wrong for dropping it on you.

Presumably he should travelling now - why don't you/your DM phoned and offer to book a cab so it's there waiting, but he pays you back? If he declines then he can sort himself out.

If he's been away at university for 4yrs, he is probably 22 or 23 yrs old.

Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who said "you teach people how to treat you"? He's been taught that it's ok to behave like this and if he doesn't catch a clue soon, the world of work is going to be a nasty surprise.

It's time to treat him like an adult - so you don't need to justify yourself or manage his alternative plan for him or even sympathise. You just need to say "What a shame. If only you'd said. Unfortunately we're out this evening but looking forward to seeing you when we're back."

You need to teach him how to treat you. He probably thinks he is an adult. He would probably complain if, in other circumstances, he thought that you were not respecting him. He needs to respect his family first. He cannot choose when to be a child &a when to be an adult.
Be firm op. Friendly but firm. You are not the one with a problem.

I don't have an issue with driving him. I do have an issue with him letting us know the time hours before, expecting us to drive through murderous traffic for 30-40 mins instead of 10 mins, not saying thank you, and doing sod all while he's here.

Yanbu

He's an adult. He could've told you his plans and asked for a lift weeks ago. He could've booked a train to the closer station. He's perfectly capable of getting home via bus and walk or a taxi.

He's never ever going to grow up while his mum and sister pander to him like he's a small child. It's about time he had to stand on his own two feet and face the consequences of his selfish thoughtlessness

Have you researched train routes? I remember when I lived in Birmingham - had to make all journeys via New street otherwise it would add hours to my journey.

Leave him to it.

You both keep doing things for him thats why he doesnt appreciate anything.

Humping all your wordy belongings on and off various trains can be exhausting and I'd have been slightly pissed off if my parents had done this to me after 4 years at Uni!

He's coming home from university, not a trek across the North Pole or after doing a tour of duty .

Usually I'd say 'oh go on, just this once', but it doesn't sound like he's grateful for it or tries to compromise. If he was a teen it's just about excusable, but I'm going to assume he's at least 22 and old enough to realise members of his family aren't going to drop everything at his convenience.

He's an adult. Stop babying him and let him sort himself out.