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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to add two hours to DB's journey?

98 replies

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 13:31

My DB is a fair bit younger than me but we are very close. This is going to be long but all relevant so please tell me the best thing to do!

He's is coming home today after completing his 4 year uni course. Uni is about 300 miles from home and we live rurally with bad public transport (he doesn't drive).

Our nearest train station is 3 miles away, but he chooses to go to one 10 miles away because it's 'easier' and has always just expected my DM to pick him up. He doesn't ask, just tells her where he'll be and what time.

He doesn't tell us in advance, even though he buys his ticket weeks in advance. Today we have just heard 'Train will be in at 7pm'. DM and I both have plans (it is Saturday night after all). He hasn't texted me at all to let me know, I only know through DM.

If he doesn't get picked up he will have a 15 min walk, a bus journey that will drop him at 20:30, and then a 30 min walk up a very steep hill with a heavy case.

If he'd gone to the train station 3 miles away he would have a 10 min bus ride and 5 min walk home. But he doesn't like it because the train journey is 'too long'.

WIBU to just leave him to make his own way home? I feel mean, but I'm so so fed up of his entitlement. He never asks for a lift or says thank you, and he's fast developing into one of these men I see so often on mumsnet who ignore the 'mental load' of running a house i.e. just standing there looking gormless until you ask him to do something. But that's a whole other thread!

He could get a cab too for £25ish. But he's bemoaning having no money despite me lending him a lot just 2 months ago so I doubt he'll do that.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 22/07/2017 13:53

A nice breezy "ah, we're out tonight - so you'll need you get a taxi. But if you can change to be into X station around 18:30 I can pick you up".

Or - actually better I think - take the bull by the horns and point out that:

he pisses you about on timing
thinks only of what suits him and not others
never says thank you

And he needs to fucking sort himself out.

Although - it's your mum that's been asked, so it's her that should say it.

Whichever way you play it, the answer should be NO.

araiwa · 22/07/2017 13:54

My parents drove 200 miles to collect my stuff when i graduated. After 4 years away i bet he has more than a backpack of stuff. Books are heavy

Ceto · 22/07/2017 13:55

He couldn't be bothered to tell you when he's arriving, therefore he can't reasonably expect you to be there waiting for him.

If he's going to be staying with you for any length of time, lay down some ground rules around paying rent and helping with cleaning/washing/cooking etc - and, of course, not expecting you to be taxi driver. Tell him he will have to move out if he doesn't start behaving like an adult.

cardibach · 22/07/2017 13:58

He's completely finished uni and only has one suitcase? How the fuck has he managed that? Books, kitchen equipment, bedding, clothes... I'm impressed he can do it on a train at all.

Original poster

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 13:59

cardibach he's abandoned most of it or thrown it out I think places no value on money

OP posts:

WomblingThree · 22/07/2017 14:00

I pity the poor wife/husband who ends up with him!

MargaretCavendish · 22/07/2017 14:01

He probably, however unfairly, already thinks he's getting a slightly rough deal - when I was at university (which was quite a while ago now! 15 years) almost everyone's parents came to get them at the end of the year. If he's seen all his mates be picked up he probably thinks you're already a bit mean just getting him from the station and making him take his stuff on the train. Obviously he should still say thank you, but just thinking about why he's a bit ungrateful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 14:01

araiwa. Me too. I think the difference is, I was flexible. Not the other way round.

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2017 14:02

Train travel with loads of suitcases/possessions is super stressful, and so I have some sympathy for the journey that would cause least hassle. Unless you've done it yourself it might be one of those things you can't appreciate.

Have you both in the past spelled out to him that journey inconveniences you? If not, but late now!

But - as he's let you know so last minute, a text along the lines of "Oh dear, assumed you weren't coming so out tonight & can't pick you up- wish you'd said earlier in the week."

Anyway, if he let your mum know it's your Mum's choice what to do. Don't get involved, it's not your issue to solve.

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2017 14:03

Just get your mum to tell him he needs to find his own way home from the station as your busy until, 11 or what ever time it is and leave him cooling his heels, or he can sort it himself...

Don't offer to pay, don't offer ideas...

See what he says.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2017 14:03

he's abandoned most of it or thrown it out I think
In fairness, if he doesn't get picked up or dropped off, he doesn't have any choice. That said, there is the entitlement issue.

Original poster

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 14:06

My DF lives half way en route, with a far newer car than my DM. Any arrangements that DB wanted to be picked up/had too much stuff really should have been sorted between them, but I suspect he was too disorganised

OP posts:

paxillin · 22/07/2017 14:09

You are not adding 2 hours to his journey, he is. YANBU, tell him when you are back today, he can then either wait or make his own way home.

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2017 14:10

Well, there you are. He can call your dad too. Stay out of it, OP.

ptumbi · 22/07/2017 14:11

Hes been away at uni for 4 years and noone can put themselves out for 30 minutes to pick him up? Yabu - he's probably only been gone for 2 months at a time (if anything like my ds's uni) and therefore is pulling this stunt at least every summer/xmas/easter.

My parents drove 200 miles to collect my stuff when i graduated. did you demand this? Expect it as a right? Text hours before arriving and expect your parents to be sitting at home waiting for your call -
or did they have lives, whereby you fitted in with what they were doing - or maybe gave them a bit of notice?
After 4 years away i bet he has more than a backpack of stuff. Books are heavy - still his responsibilty to arrange a lift around other people, not the other way round.

AlternativeTentacle · 22/07/2017 14:13

What should I do?
What can you do??? - you have plans!

araiwa · 22/07/2017 14:18

My parents offered to collect my stuff and then we made suitable arrangements for when. It would have taken me many trips by train otherwise taking up a lot of time and money. People just graduating dont tend to be flush with cash

Im their child so they helped me as much as possible. I appreciated it. We didnt play stupid power games about asking/ offering

Original poster

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 14:25

araiwa wow judgmental much! DM offered him at easter to let her know about moving out plans/whether he needed a lift etc. She's heard nothing because he's disorganised or decided he doesn't need it. Don't turn him into a little victim when you have no idea!

OP posts:

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 14:27

Ignore *araiwaI. I've yet to see a thread where she didn't fall over herself to be the most obtuse poster on it.

ptumbi · 22/07/2017 14:31

araiwa - your parents offered, as OP's DM did. The difference is that you then made the plans, (I assume) told your parents the plans, made solid dates and times and everyone knew beforehand.....but this entitled arse hasn;t. He has assumed that his parent, or sibling will collect him, at a time of his choosing, from a place of his choosing, and they will drop their own plans, their own lives, to rush and accommodate him.

In other words, he thinks everyone is there for his benefit.

Nope, not on.

ptumbi · 22/07/2017 14:33

araiwa - IF however, you demanded your parents drive 200 miles to collect you, on a random day when you felt like coming home, without giving them any notice, then you are also an entitled arse who needs to learn that other people (yes even parents) DO NOT consider you and your needs to be central to their lives.

ZippyCameBack · 22/07/2017 14:33

I never know what's normal in these situations because my parents expected me to sort my own stuff out from age 11. They'd send a plane ticket and the rest was up to me. For uni, I had to either bin anything I couldn't carry, or send it by post/courier. By then my journey home took a minimum of 14 hours and if I was lucky they'd meet me at the ferry, otherwise I'd have to get a bus and then have a long walk to their house.
I'm guessing this wouldn't be such a big deal if he was any use around the house and didn't expect to be generally looked after?

Enchantedflamingo · 22/07/2017 14:36

Honestly, this once I'd give him £25 for a cab

Ceto · 22/07/2017 14:39

Even when you've already lent him rather a large amount of money which has apparently disappeared, Enchanted?

diddl · 22/07/2017 14:39

Presumably if he had sorted things in advance, no one would begrudge driving 10miles each way rather than 3 to collect him?

And he could have chosen to go to the other station to ake the end leg of the journey easier?

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