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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to add two hours to DB's journey?

98 replies

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 13:31

My DB is a fair bit younger than me but we are very close. This is going to be long but all relevant so please tell me the best thing to do!

He's is coming home today after completing his 4 year uni course. Uni is about 300 miles from home and we live rurally with bad public transport (he doesn't drive).

Our nearest train station is 3 miles away, but he chooses to go to one 10 miles away because it's 'easier' and has always just expected my DM to pick him up. He doesn't ask, just tells her where he'll be and what time.

He doesn't tell us in advance, even though he buys his ticket weeks in advance. Today we have just heard 'Train will be in at 7pm'. DM and I both have plans (it is Saturday night after all). He hasn't texted me at all to let me know, I only know through DM.

If he doesn't get picked up he will have a 15 min walk, a bus journey that will drop him at 20:30, and then a 30 min walk up a very steep hill with a heavy case.

If he'd gone to the train station 3 miles away he would have a 10 min bus ride and 5 min walk home. But he doesn't like it because the train journey is 'too long'.

WIBU to just leave him to make his own way home? I feel mean, but I'm so so fed up of his entitlement. He never asks for a lift or says thank you, and he's fast developing into one of these men I see so often on mumsnet who ignore the 'mental load' of running a house i.e. just standing there looking gormless until you ask him to do something. But that's a whole other thread!

He could get a cab too for £25ish. But he's bemoaning having no money despite me lending him a lot just 2 months ago so I doubt he'll do that.

What should I do?

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 22/07/2017 14:43

Nip this in the bud or you'll end up with my sister who still expects everybody to drop everything and pick her up from the back end of beyond with 5 mins notice - she's 32!
She's never got any money (because she's spent it) and cries/ swears/ has a tantrum when her siblings / parents won't sort things out for her.
She rarely runs to me because she knows I just tell her to grow up, but now my mum can't drive due to health problems I've noticed a general creep in 'help' requests. I think she hopes I'll pick up the slack so she doesn't bother mum.
I'm not sure my sister will ever realise she's not the centre of the universe and some of us have jobs/families/ lives to get on with.

ptumbi · 22/07/2017 14:45

Enchanted - Unis tend to have 2-month terms, 3 times a year. Over 4 years, and £25 per taxi to and from station, = £150 per year, and £600 over 4 years!

It's not a matter of 'just this once'.

ptumbi · 22/07/2017 14:47

you'll end up with my sister who still expects everybody to drop everything and pick her up from the back end of beyond with 5 mins notice - it's the people who enable this behaviour that need to be told this. Tantrums and tears - so what? MAybe next time she won't do it.

araiwa · 22/07/2017 14:48

Youve all convinced me- fuck him

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 14:50

You would think 4 years of university might have helped him become a bit more responsible and adult like.

I have a friend in her 40's who somehow completely missed out the whole "developing responsibility for yourself" stage of life and still finds herself "suddenly" without money for electric after having a Chinese takeaway the previous night. Hmm

Greggers2017 · 22/07/2017 14:52

Poor bloke. There's 7 of us and my parents always picked us up at the end of the year and we always had a family get together too. I feel a bit sorry for him.

Inertia · 22/07/2017 14:55

Actually, you don't need to do anything. He hasn't even contact you.

Enchantedflamingo · 22/07/2017 15:05

Read him the riot act, but come on it's 300 miles!

TatianaLarina · 22/07/2017 15:14

He can get a cab from the station it's only 10 miles ffs.

Whatever he chooses to do it's not your problem.

You need to talk to your mum about his entitlement and failure to cook and clean - it was her responsibility to bring him up to understand that that is part of adult life.

eddielizzard · 22/07/2017 15:20

let him make his own way. or make him ask nicely. if he's staying with you get him to pull his weight. ask him to do stuff. don't let him get away with doing nothing. it will be unpleasant at first, but you'd be doing him a favour in the long term.

Headofthehive55 · 22/07/2017 15:23

You tend to need parental support fir uni. I expect he will have to get rid of possessions to come home on the train. Or will have been that boy who never had anything and "borrowed" the plate, cup, saucepan all year.

Enchantedflamingo · 22/07/2017 15:24

I love the way mumsnet believes as soon as a kid hits -18 they're magically an adult Hmm

Enchantedflamingo · 22/07/2017 15:25

*by which I mean there's a difference between legally being an adult and just being left to sink or swim

YorksMa · 22/07/2017 15:25

If it were my brother I'd go and get him. This seems like a small thing for a genuinely loving family to fall out about.

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 15:26

I love the way mumsnet believes as soon as a kid hits -18 they're magically an adult

Try 22. He has been at uni for 4 years, so yeah, pretty much adult.

BrokenBattleDroid · 22/07/2017 15:26

Text message:

"Just heard your train gets in at 7pm - that's great. DM and I will be out when you arrive at the house (we made plans after not hearing from you), but should be back about 9ish :-) Looking forward to seeing you and catching up, NCBack x"

Nice and friendly but absolutely not letting him walk over you (and no questions, no apologies etc).

SummerMummy88 · 22/07/2017 15:27

I'd just do it, he's your brother he will remember all the lovely things you have done for him and I'm sure if you really needed him he would be willing to help you. if he has finished uni after four years it will be the last time you will be asked to pick him up.

milliemolliemou · 22/07/2017 15:29

@Greggers You had a big family. They could sort you out - this is a DS and DM. Did you bugger your family around by changing dates/times and not communicating with them? Did you then not pull your weight at home? Did you borrow money off your family?

7pm doesn't sound too bad as a pick up but since it's in the boondocks it could be that films/theatre/restaurants start at 7pm and means a quadruple journey and missing the start.

If he'd wanted the fatted calf he should have been in touch. But yes, OP and her DM seem to have led him to think he could be entitled.

Botanicbaby · 22/07/2017 15:36

Omg I cannot believe how entitled your brother is. If he's 22+ years old this is a shocking way to behave.

Let him make his own plans why should you and your DM drop yours for him. Don't let him get away with this anymore. He doesn't even say thank you! Fuck that Angry

He needs to come down to earth with a bang and understand the world doesn't revolve around him. If it's not too late. Even his text sounds like a command "train gets in at 7pm" whoopee big deal. I'd reply "and..?"

Send text PP said above but without adding you'll be home at 9!

Enchantedflamingo · 22/07/2017 15:38

22 isnt that old, come on!

GreenTulips · 22/07/2017 15:41

When DH goes home he reverts back to being a 'child' drives me nuts! He's capable of household chores - looking after his kids and cooking etc Yet all I see is his DM faffing round his every whim - does his washing and ironing etc

Does she just do it or is he expecting her to?

I know my DM wouldn't and expect me to do my share -

PearlyPinkNails · 22/07/2017 15:43

Surely he's got more than one suitcase?

I would pick him up but that's just me.

MeanAger · 22/07/2017 15:43

22 isnt that old, come on!

No one said it was old. I'm 31 and I'm not old. 90 is old. 22 is a big difference from 18 in terms of maturity and life experience. It is certainly not unreasonable to have expectations of a 22 year old who has had 4 years out of home at university that you wouldn't have of an 18 year old.

RhubardGin · 22/07/2017 15:45

Of course he's going to feel entitled and expect lifts when everyone has always accepted it and not told him to make his own way home.

Just tell him no lifts available tonight!

It's a taxi or bus/walk.

Seeingadistance · 22/07/2017 15:56

I have a 15 year old, with Asperger's. He splits his time between me and his father - currently living about 20 miles apart. Since he was 11 years old my son has been making his way from one parent to the other either on public transport or with me giving him a lift.

From the age of 11 years old my son has been capable of getting in touch by phone or text to confirm or change his travel arrangements, and to make sure he can get into the house when he arrives.

From the age of 11!